Many times I feel all hope is lost, too. However, I keep going back to my goals that I set when I first read the DR book. When I see that, I realize that we have moved forward from where we were 2-3 months ago. And, even when we aren't moving forward, at least we are neutral. In fact, some goals have been achieved, and I need to write some more.
My goal right now is to buy time.
I am hoping that, in that time: 1. She will be able to sort her thoughts out regarding what she "wants" for herself. 2. She will set her own goals. 3. She will see that I have every quality that she wants in a partner (I already know this is the case, and it adds to her confusion). 4. She will start to see me in a positive light; by not being around me all the time, the changes in me are more evident. 5. She will feel less pressure to make a decision, and will let it happen naturally. 6. I will regain the life that I had before I became boring and complacent. 7. I will become someone that she would not want to lose.
One of my "original" goals when I first started this program was that I would notice her coming closer, by her initiating at least 25% of contact. Well, that is probably 40-50% now, so that has been achieved. Plus, a lot of her contact is just touching base, or checking in...so that shows a level of comfort that was not there before.
Next....
She told me in plain English that she needed space. She needs to think, without having me in her face. She wants to be alone. At first, I had trouble with that. Now it's pretty good. When I pushed too hard to do things with her or ask her out on dates too often, or call/text/email her, she told me I was smothering her. That wasn't respecting her request for space, and did NOT help.
Next....
I got a DB coach. She has been GREAT, and really helped me in focusing on what I needed to do, in the short term. She was able to tell me what my wife's actions and reactions really meant, as I tried various things.
Last, but not least....
I really try to keep busy. I have reconnected with friends. I am auditioning for a rock band. I am recording music at home. I go for walks and hikes...alone! I am painting watercolors. I read books (and not just marriage-saving books). I rent movies, and go to movies alone. I visit my kids, and have gone to movies with them as well. I signed up for a 10k run, and have been training for it. I signed up for yoga. I lift weights. Blah blah blah. My point is, sitting around feeling bad was not helping. I needed to get moving, and when I did that, two things happened. 1. My wife started commenting on it. 2. I started to feel a lot better.
I still have my bad days, as you know...but mostly I am very grateful for a very good life.
It would just be better if my W was sharing all of this with me!
