Very good responses! Thank you dogma, Beth, GD, AG, alpha_omega. I'm digesting these. I thought they were helpful. And honestly, I truly thought I might get jaded responses. Kudos to you. I suppose I'm the jaded one. :p
Don't worry, I ask my W yesterday what she felt about it. Her response, "I can only work on me. When I feel like this I think about what I need to do and not what you need to do for me, pooper." Of course, the last isn't that great of a pet name.
Actually, along the lines of what she said to me, this morning I considered something I wrote on someone else's thread.
Quote:
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
I quoted that..I didn't write it. But I guess I didn't read it. This morning I realized that it's exactly what I've been doing...taking things personally, and making it about me. It isn't.
Thank you all for giving me some tools. And if all else fails, I'll "push her down on the playground and pull her hair."
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I was kinda thinking back to the Mars/Venus thing. You martian, need cave. She Venutian don't want fix. Ummm.
Maybe it's possible to remove yourself from the conflict, take time to calm down, take time to gather your thoughts and then come back when you're ready to continue the convo.
Might work if we aren't in a fight. Otherwise, removing myself can be a problem. My cave doesn't have a good enough rock blocking the entrance. :P
I'm struggling with not getting defensive. If I'd just say, "okay" from the start, it would settle quite a few things. But, silly me, I have to argue my point. I must get better at that.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I'm struggling with not getting defensive. If I'd just say, "okay" from the start, it would settle quite a few things. But, silly me, I have to argue my point. I must get better at that.
I find that sometimes I get overly attached to my own point of view. I try to relax and find a place where I can give a little w/o losing my identity. If I just say okay - I start to get resentful...
I also try to let the other person have the last word when I realize that my having the last word is nothing more than a pride issue - in other words it does nothing to resolve the issue. This is usually when both sides are just repeating the same argument with a little rephrasing.
This one is really hard for me - but usually once the heat of the argument has passed - I realize that shutting up was the best way to descalate a situation that was going nowhere anyway.
In your heart you know what's right for both you and your marriage. It really doesn't matter what others say. Be true to yourself! This should never be a power struggles.
I find that sometimes I get overly attached to my own point of view. I try to relax and find a place where I can give a little w/o losing my identity. If I just say okay - I start to get resentful...
I also try to let the other person have the last word when I realize that my having the last word is nothing more than a pride issue - in other words it does nothing to resolve the issue. This is usually when both sides are just repeating the same argument with a little rephrasing.
AG, this is me also. I stubbornly want the last word. And sometimes I don't want to necessarily commit to something if I'm only agreeing to keep the peace.
Beth, not sure about that...seems that when I'm upset I become clueless about what to do. I guess I'll do yoga.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
If you're gonna do yoga then you also better think about meditation. I think you'll need it!
If you already know that you have to get the last word in and be right, why would you not want to work on changing that. Knowing this about yourself means that you are on your way to finding a middle ground. Maybe this is a HUGE problem for your wife.
I double sun dog dare you to try my world famous cinammon sugar sprinkles pretzel pose.
I wonder if keeping the peace by letting the mini-battle opens pass actually isn't a good choice. Is it being untrue to oneself to have a thicker skin and be okay with keeping one's mouth shut about little things, saving one's energy and that of the couple for the bigger stuff.
I contributed to the demise of my M in part b/c I love to debate and play devil's advocate, and my X did NOT appreciate that. It would have been better to do the whole quiet active listening thing, letting her merely vent. You don't necessarily lose yourself when you provide such passes to your partner, IMHO.
The getting resentful part is a RED FLAGfor me, but about me. It tells me that I'm not doing enough self-care, so that's what I do have control over and can stay accountable about.
Sorry about the red flad usage. You can go ahead and throw a flag for that one.
I contributed to the demise of my M in part b/c I love to debate and play devil's advocate, and my X did NOT appreciate that. It would have been better to do the whole quiet active listening thing, letting her merely vent.
When a woman is in full blown vent mode - the ONLY thing that works is sympathetic empathetic noises/words. I know in my case - I am not even listening. My blood pressure is through the roof and it affects my brain's ability to even think rationally. My brain interprets any disagreement with respect to The Vent as "you don't support me." Expressing an opinion - especially one contrary to The Vent and INTERRUPTING the venting process - well the man clearly has a death wish! LOL!
Sorry there is no rational answer for this one. I can only share my own out of brain experience when I go into vent mode.
In my case, I am usually approachable to rationally discuss/debate the issue roughly 24 hours later.
