#3 Did I find DB too late? Maybe not...

[cw68]

I'd love to eliminate the apartment, but the lease goes through the end of July and I know my husband. Even if he plans on moving home, he won't until then. If I had to place a bet right now, I'd say he's leaning towards returning, but is still confused.

A little journaling:

I have got to stop the R talk! It's not like it's been a problem or anything, and we've had some decent little talks, but I know that it makes him feel uncomfortable and that I really should just completely back off from them. Today I did mention that I'd like to put down a deposit on Retro that's in our area in July. Said that I know he's not ready to commit to it, and that's fine, but I'd hate to have him interested in going to find out that it's full. Also said that before we call it quits completely I'd like to do something intense like Retro. He was OK with me putting down a deposit.

We spent the day together as a family today. S5 had t-ball opening day stuff and he came over so we could all ride together. We had the little R talk during his game and H was able to walk away from the conversation to take D6 to a b-day party. Timing worked out well before it could get all nasty. He mentioned that I seem to be growing personally from all this and I told him I was, that I still think he blew a bunch of things out of proportion, but that I was looking for the grain of truth that started these thoughts of his. I said that for the first six months or so, he told me everything was my fault, what a failure I was as a wife/partner/person and that I decided to turn that around because I was sick of being beat down. Ouch, his reply: "I know what you mean." He meant that I was so critical. Again, I apologized and told him that I realize how bad I was, that I was sincerely trying to be a better person in this regard and asked if he had seen any difference in me because of my effort and he had. In the end I think it was a good thing, but it's a slippery slope and I must stop it!! (beats head on desk)

Then we came back to the house to try to start ripping out these brand-new-but-ruined glue-down hardwood floors -- DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO REMOVE GLUED-DOWN ENGINEERED HARDWOOD FLOORS FROM A SLAB FOUNDATION?? It didn't go well. But S5 was at the park with a neighbor and D6 was at a b-day party. We hung well, listened to some music, I did a few other chores, but in the same room as him and we chit chatted. His plan was to leave just after 4pm to meet some co-worker friends for a drink. I returned at 4:15, D6 asked Dad to stay for a bit, he said he'd stay for a little bit. About 4:45pm he said he had missed the guys for a drink, that he'd stick around if I wanted to run to the grocery store without the kids since I had just told them to get ready to go, then I asked if he wanted to stay for dinner, which he did.

Seriously, it was a really good time. H was funny, stir-crazy, antsy, obviously worked up and just plain ole' goofy! At one point we were laughing so hard I was crying. He was closest to the "old" H I have seen in a long, long time. Definitely comfortable and definitely enjoying himself. When he went to leave, I got a good, tight hug, a kiss and nice goodbye. A comfy hug.

Now I just have to shut my trap about our R and let him see the comfort, the changes, the growth that we're going through.

Zip it CW68!