Just today I answered the phone "Hello?" and H goes "Oh nice attitude!! What, you are mad at me again?". OMG he got all that from my normal "Hello?"...crazy man.
I still try to find the balance between detached/cold/friendly. I also strive to at least remain calm and positive. Friendly depends, but usually happens.
Nothing bad can happen from you being nice. Give it a whirl.
I am just normally a friendly and now that H has moved out--happy person! and I act with H just like I do everyone else, happy and friendly. I do try not to email him or call him ever unless I have to re: the kids. I try to have him do the visits & emails and then I just reply to the emails that I have to, that require an answer (although I am not always successful!! I am trying to detach as much as possible and focus on me and my kids b/c otherwise the situation would be too painful!!! Karen
Hi all been a while cos I have been so busy this week with work and life. H did some baby-sitting on Thursday night. Between sunday and thursday he was extremely cold towards me. On Thursday when I got home I brought him a cup of take away coffee, all of a sudden he was chatting away - spoke for an hour. Somewhere in the conversation he said that he was looking for a new place to stay, I assumed alone!!! Wrong, later I asked something and he replied that ow and her exboyfriend were fighting over furniture so my h will be buying new stuff or will take what I dont want. I asked oh you moving with her and he said yes. Thought I was close but no!
When he arrived today to get some of his stuff I decided to ask some questions, he said no we not discussing this so I made it clear that he has clarity and I still don't knnow what has happened in the last 6 months. Through my two questions which I asked and requested simple straightforward truth this is what i got............... My h was fetching ow every morning and going to work together and then taking her home. He did not tell me cos I would not understand (maybe I would have said oh that's nice of you????, but instead I said to him you chose to lie, he replied yes). Anyway maybe I would have had reason to say no it is not okay! (funny how his innocent lift club became my replacement) Two weeks after leaving me the ow dumps her boyfriend, finds a flat and my h moves in with her. My h tells me he is living with friend. A few times I asked him to be honest, he looked me in the eyes and lied, lied, lied. One occassion I begged him to tell the truth because I knew, he told me I was so wrong and carried on about how I jump to conclusions. 5 and a half months later the truth comes out. I asked why he went to counselling with me for three months and literally lied his way through it. He said he was thinking of coming home, he was waiting 4 an answer, I said maybe if he had told the truth we would not have wasted all that time. I also asked him if he actually understood what he was doing to me all that time, the mind games he was playing with me. and i stressed that he could not have been making up his mind - if he was enjoying new love, fresh kisses and new exciting sex why would he come back to 9 month old crying baby and me who he had cheated on- he was never thinking about it. I said all of this without any shouting and no tears.
So here I am my h told me nothing was wrong, was working hard but was actually having his affair, moved out and moved in with ow 2 weeks later and has never looked back. Am I wasting my time? Can someone with shiny object syndrome really look back and realise we were better than what he has now? If I file for D will I have a life of regret or do I give ow the power to get him to file for D when she wants to marry him? Or do I wait to see his new r does not work out and have him come back tainted and no longer the pure man he was. Can I do all of this again of he had to come back which he has stated clearly that he never will. How do I ever learn to trust when he has been so mean etc. I think my h has been the one of the worst ww on the db forum!
Some pearls of wisdom from my fellow db'rs would be great.
Wow, side. Sounds like you finally got some truth from H. Hurts, but darnit, its sooo much better than feeling in the dark. I am so sorry, I know its horrible to picture H with OW and them living together.
The thing is, right now, there is nothing you can do. The answer to your question is yes, H can come back to you and realize he has made bad choices. But the thing is, you can't hurry the process up, you can't rush anything, and it might not happen. You have to move on, acting as if you are divorced. I debate daily whether to file for divorce, but figure I have time, and until I am not debating anymore, I can wait. Some people on here say "Let them do the work, let them file", but everyone will do what feels right to them, whether that's file themselves or just wait.
I am sorry I have no real pearls of wisdom, I just wanted to offer you my support.
Well of course I did my first major backslide cos I asked h if he was taking joint leave with his ow and he said yes....So I decided to tell him what I thought of what he did. He said I said it all before and I said I may have but now I can say it knowing the truth. I asked him if he was happy and he said he is very happy. I asked if he got everything he wanted and he said no - no because we are not divorced and he wants the rest of his stuff.
He met this girl in March, by November he was living with her. He claims it was not the reason he left. He says last 2 years of m were hell. I believe that there were difficult times with learning to look after a new baby and living at my parents but funny how he was relatively happy until he met her. I validated his response that she is not the reason he left but I added that it became part of the reason as u dont leave unless you have someone to go to. I told him he never ever worked on us and he sabotaged me at every corner. I also told him to stop painting me as evil as I am a kind and loving person and he knows that. I am entitled to have feelings and express them. I also asked him if he was surprised that I did not arrive at his doorstep ranting and raving and assurred him that i never ever will.
I feel awful after phoning him!!!!!!!!!
So here I am. I actually want to file for D as my gut feeling has been correct the entire time! I believe that my h is like one of those that are spoken about in DB the ones who stand head strong. I think he really is a cold and heartless human being. He is on leave for a week and is not going to see his d more cos he is resting (but he has taken joint leave with ow). He has no real idea about how to truely, unconditionally love. I love my h and always will. As I told him I wish I could hate him but I cant. I don't think he will ever come back. I will probably regret this decision but how much must I take. Do I deserve a man that would do this? Do I wait until he files so he can get married? Who says that he cant come back after we are divorced, is that not a clean slate? In our conversation he told me I had undone all the work we had done to get along and get into a better place, do I always have to tiptoe around him when he is the one doing this? Problem is is that I don't want to be alone but I don't want to wait years and possibly meet someone and then file, because that should not be the reason.And I don't want be alone.
I am trying so hard to hold on but this is getting so difficult. H has taken over a new identity and has detached completely from me and d. He does his twice a week visit and nothing more. No phone calls, texts or emails. He is on leave and will not even come see her. He is completely consumed with his new life, his ow and his easy entrance into the music world, one he could never do on his own. He has become this charmer, even the ow exboyfriend wants to hang out with him! I am hanging on by a thread but I don't know how to carry on doing this.
Help!, I need encouragement. 6 months is 6 months too long.I want to hang on but I am really tired of this game. I am also feeling so angry as the truth has come out and he was being so cruel and lying to my face for so long. I want to scream at him and tell him he is a useless idiot, a cheating *****, how he could do this to me and feel justified I just dont know! Help me hold on......
I am trying so hard to hold on but this is getting so difficult. H has taken over a new identity and has detached completely from me and d. He does his twice a week visit and nothing more. No phone calls, texts or emails. He is on leave and will not even come see her. He is completely consumed with his new life, his ow and his easy entrance into the music world, one he could never do on his own.
It sounds to me like your H is an early "honeymoon" phase of the R with OW. My H went through that and it was so tough since I was living with him during this & I think the whole forbidden thing about it made it even more exciting for them, they were conspiring against their spouses which made them have a strong bond, it was mostly texting and occasional hotels, and not a real relationship. Now that my H has moved out he has started spending lots of time with the kids & seems less obsessed with OW now that it's less of a fantasy relationship. So I do things will get better in that regard for you & that your H should realize at some point like my H that spending time with the kids is important. I think my H realized b/c he moved out and the kids weren't upset at all!
I don't know if H will ever return or we will have a real marriage again, but at least sometimes he acts a little more normal and he's less obsessed with the OW (although I think he is still in the throes of MLC). Karen
Karen thanks for reply.I am happy for u that he is visiting your kids.
H took off work this week to spend with ow and only came to see d once (on usual day). The fact that he does that, makes me see that this is not about me or d but rather it is about him and his need to escape his old life, escape responsibility. I am wondering if it is time for the last resort, file and see if that shakes him. He is now having an open affair, he even brought her with when he came to drop something at me (she waited in the car).
I deserve better, I deserve respect but most of all I deserve LOVE!
I am wondering if it is time for the last resort, file and see if that shakes him. He is now having an open affair, he even brought her with when he came to drop something at me (she waited in the car).
I deserve better, I deserve respect but most of all I deserve LOVE!
Well I've read in several places on the boards here that you apparently will know when it is time to file. I haven't reached that point yet, I don't know if it sounds like you are at that point either? I would be surprised if that would shake him if your H is in the fantasy honeymoon type stage where he is obsessed with the OW. I think my H wanted me to file for divorce at one point when he was totally obsessed with the OW, but now he doesn't seem to be rushing into divorce lately, so I am hoping he makes a carefully considered decision whatever that may be (although since he is in MLC I don't know if that is really possible)!!!
I agree its not about you! I realized that when I made all the changes H said he wanted plus extra improvements in addition to that, but yet he still is with OW & talking divorce. I think my H is kind of depressed & unhappy & prob. wouldn't be happy in any marriage & maybe your H is like that, too!
I totally agree that you deserve respect & love; I realize I deserve that also and hopefully we won't settle for less than that!!! Karen
Thanks for comments Karen. I think if I gave h papers to sign he would sign them without even thinking about it.
Question for anyone out there....Are men interested in dating and (should h go through with his D plan) marrying a woman with a baby. This is the reality I face!
I am trying to detach as much as possible and focus on me and my kids b/c otherwise the situation would be too painful!!! Karen
Karen