who feels insecure?

[tpaschal]

My thought is that if I have to go it alone, I can deal with that. That is OK. What I want is to have relationships around me--relationships of ALL kinds--that are positive and warm so that when I'm off this crazy planet, I will know that I have experienced some of the best of what there is to offer.

As far as the OW psychological mess element...why H was dripping with sympathy for this girl child when he had a little girl who really needed him is beyond me. It won't last. It's a twisted, weird situation where they are using each other.

Sorry I was such a wet blanket with my last post! And I probably will be with this one, too! I guess I'm feeling beaten down by H comments during Thursday's counseling session. It's hard to feel worthwhile or interesting or attractive when H says he's realized he needs a different type of partner (implying that I have serious flaws in my character), he doesn't love me as a woman, hasn't loved me in a long time, and can't even remember the last time he felt love for me. <sigh>

Though in hindsight I can see that there were some problems that I should have been more aware of and things I should have done differently, I know that most of this is MLC-BS, and I know that he loved me.

But it still hurts to hear the man that you've loved more than half of your life say these things.

I loved being in a relationship, being part of a couple. Also, H was my best friend. I know I want that again, whether it's with H or with someone new, but I was never good at flirting or dating. I'm not shy, exactly, just awkward. I can talk to anyone about anything, but if a hint of flirting is added in, I get awkward and freeze up. So, even though I KNOW I'm still standing for my M, and NOT ready to move on, even thinking about this as a possibility makes me nervous and sad.

As far as my H's OW goes, I don't know if either of them realize what a mess she is.

Her parents divorced when she was 11 or so, either because her dad was abusive or a WAH; OW and her mom both turned to Christianity to cope (notice I don't say that they turned to God); she became VERY active in her church and was a very outspoken Christian; her older brother came out as being homosexual though it seems he is still loved and accepted by the family; her older sister was married, had a baby, and was divorced by the time she was 21 or 22 while OW was still in high school and is now onto her 2nd or 3rd live in relationship; OW started big time flirting with my H and with another doctor in the practice while only 16 or 17; when OW graduated high school she didn't want to go to college and continued her high school job working as a file clerk in H's office; she had a long term unrequited crush on a friend; she finally started college only to drop out after one semester; she tells a story that she was raped (date rape, I think); and then got into a fairly long term abusive relationship from which my H helped "rescue" her. When H and OW's relationship was outed, her church asked her to leave, and she has since decided that the Bible is just a "man made rulebook."

Yet H tells me that OW has fixed "all of her issues." Oh, yeah??? Then why the heck did she plan and execute a campaign to take a married man away from his wife and children? If she's so "fixed," then why did she start screwing a married man who's almost twice her age, while he was still living at home with his wife and children???!!!

And H seems to take every opportunity to say what a good person she is, how right she is for him, how she will be a part of his life, etc.

It's very painful. It does make me doubt myself, and doubt our whole life together. Is it true? Did he hate me for so long? I don't really believe that, but I can't help but have doubts.

Why would H want THAT instead of ME?