Letter from WAW after she flew to my city for talk

[GH31]

It's been a while since I have posted on here but some things have happened in my situation.

My wife came to visit me again at lunchtime on Thursday and ended up staying until Saturday night when she flew back to the UK. She has brought around the majority of her belongings and says that she intends to reconcile with me and that I belong in her family. She has called all of the stuff she has brought back her "downpayment" and said that she will bring everything else back at next weekend "at the latest". I asked her what made her arrive at her decision and she said that it began to dawn on her that the longer she left it, the harder the situation would be to retrieve. Essentially, she has been having doubts about leaving me since I discovered the OM, a month after she left. She asked me a while back if I had dated anyone else and I was honest with her (yes) and she realised that time was no longer on her side.

We did a lot of fun things - go out and about, play pool, got a few other things done etc and we drifted into a lot of OR talk. I am quite sure that too much OR is bad but I seem to really struggle avoiding it. I never bring it up but I'm thinking that it might be best to let it go as soon as I can when it does come up.

We slept in the same bed both nights - some cuddling and caressing but no ML. I actually think it will take some time for us to get to that stage if at all. No ILYs yet from her and I think they will be a long time coming also. She says we should go on a holiday to rebuild the connection and she finally acknowledged that it will take some time to get over all of this. I asked her if the she had ended the R with OM and she said "no not yet - not completely". This is tough - I know she thinks the world of him and has said he's a "very good person" and "all the things that you really struggle with come naturally to him" - I validated her but I must admit it is so hard to hear. She is very concerned about "letting him down" as he has "done everything right". Of course - it's a new relationship and it's only 5 weeks old for heaven's sake.

I mentioned to her that I only wanted to know 2 things: 1. do you intend to have any contact at all with him once it's over and 2. when did it all start? She said that there would be no need to have any contact afterwards even though she cares about him and hopes he's well and that it started a few days after the separation. I know that I am going to have a tremendously hard time coming to terms with trusting her again. I take full responsibility for causing the breakup but this rebuilding of trust is going to take some work for sure.

I have done my best to be a friend to her, validated her grievances, done nice things for her and I think this DBing has worked so far. I repeated that the separation was the right thing to do and that nothing else could have been a good enough circuit breaker. I know she is scared about my old ugly self (anger, violent temper, meanness, lack of generosityand kindness) coming back and it really muted and dampened our interactions with each other. I really do sense that she is struggling.

On the inside it feels wonderful that things have moved in this direction but on the other I feel totally overwhelmed with resentment, sadness, anger and murderous (literally) thoughts towards OM. I am ashamed to admit it but I think about running him over slowly with a steamroller - feet first, or pouring petrol over him and setting him on fire. I hate to admit to having these thoughts but God knows I have them and so should you all. I don't know how to deal with them and getting them out somehow makes eases the burden. I know that forgiveness is my issue and mine alone - noone else can do that for me, and believe me I want to forgive and get over this.

On balance I am very happy about the direction that things are moving in. I must look to the future and not dwell on the past. It will be very hard to do but that is not an excuse to avoid the work. It will be a long time before I am even out of the woods and all things being equal, I would expect to be "piecing" for at least 2 years. Day by day...