God give me the patience and the strength...2

[WCW]

...should I just give this up and go file for the D?...

This is a question only you can answer. What do you think? what does your gut tell you? What I know from my experience is that you have to decide if you are in this for the long haul no matter what, or what is your boundary line that if he crosses 'this line' you are done.

If you are in it for the long haul then forget the 3am drunken phone calls, forget ow, forget his rants, forget how he talks to you or does not talk to you at all.

Forget that he is spending money and selling cows now and blames you for everything.

Remember why you have loved him for all these years and why you want to continue your life with this man. Focus on every good memory you have because you will need it to believe that you can make it.
It will take a helluva woman to make it all the way thru this and still want him on the other side.

If I knew 4 years ago what I know now and the foresight to know all the things that H has done and the money he has spent and the secrets he thinks he still hides from me and the length of time this has affected living any type of a NORMAL life...I doubt the forecast would have been that I would still be M to my H. I still love H dearly but I have had these 4 years to get myself and as much of my life as I could back in some type of manageable order so I could function now if H does still take a walk.

Are you using your time to work on everything you can to get yourself in position to live without your H and without his support? If you want to stay on that farm how will you do it? how will you work 2 jobs and take care of the livestock? how will you fix the fence and repair the equipment? how will you be there for the kids that still need you? what will you do when the kids aren't there anymore to help?

Right now as bad as things seem for you the bottom is still coming to hit you and your H.

My advice, based on my own 4 1/2 years of experience with this, is that you need to look long and hard at yourself and if you can withstand whatever the storm brings. If you don't think you can, then do what you need to do now to protect yourself at whatever level you need to talk to do that.

You've posted often that if your H would just glance back at you...
What do you want him to see? What will he see?

(((toh)))
I am in no way encouraging you to be done, and I am not encouraging you to stay in a situation you feel is hopeless. I AM encouraging you to take a long hard look at all your options and yourself.