I don't know if being amicable with Javier is always the best thing for ME.
It is however, from what I can see the best thing for my children.
Do i put myself on the back burner, Yes. It is right? I really don't know.
I see it this way.
He is trying to be a nice guy. He wants to have no faults.
He is a Narcissist. I guess so. I am so not into those words, or terms. I just kinda of go with my gut. Jeepers, and my gut may be super wrong at times, and then I kind of just follow up with prayer.
Does Javier want to look like the hero? ofcourse.
Why?
Well he is a cheater, and a liar, and he abandoned his kids. His actions, ruined many many lives.
Um
He has to live with ALL of that. It must suck to wake up every morning, and put on different masks everyday, to function, with different people.
I thank God, don't have to do that. I know what I did wrong in my marriage, and boy it was plenty. I try everyday, to not be that way anymore. I slip daily, I also try to work on it daily. Well almost daily.
I do have my pity days, when i just wanna stay in bed and cry. Then one of the babies walks in, and says I love you, and well.
I get up.
I am not the best mom, the best friend, the best anything.
I just really try.
I am not judge or jury to Javier, he will have that in the end. Being accountable to me is pretty much nothing compared to what he will be accountable for, if he truly does not repent. For himself, for his children one day.
For 2 years Javier was the devil to me. It was a complete character change.
He also told me, that no matter what, he knew I would be there for him if he needed to talk to me at 3 am for any reason.
And he is right. Does that make me a jerk? Maybe. Does it give him the power to take advantage of me? Yeah, maybe.
But I do not comprise myself, and my way of being.
I will not change my heart, b/c of how much he has hurt me. I will not allow him to change the heart of Lissett.
He has told me thru tears 2 years later. I was very hard to be with. That my moral conviction, was something that he could not stand up to.
That hurt me and screwed me up for a long while, I still get flash backs of it.
But, what can I do? I have changed what i think was wrong, but my morals will not change for anyone.
Even if it means losing my husband, or friends.
It is my faith, it is my right, It is part of me, that will not be compromised.
I just have to know that someone out there, will appreciate me, and love how I am.
They will see my way of being as a plus, not a negative.
I think I got off topic here. YIKES, I sound like a Narcissist.
So being amicable with Javier is something I think in my gut is right for my children.
Is it hard for me? yeah, at times, and sometimes not.
I just feel like I lived my life on my own for 26 years, that was my chance to F up if i needed too. But now i don't get to F up, b/c my children are here. I am hard on myself that way. It is my way of thinking. I am not living my life for my children. No. But I just can't F up, I don't have the right.
So protecting them now is my priority. And that is my life, right now. And that is ok.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
