who feels insecure?

[sleeper]

Hello Girls,

I'm a guy but I'd like to throw in my 1.92 cents worth (2 cents adjusted for inflation).

After the shock I too began to compare myself to the OM. He is younger (9 years) and in, no WAS, in better shape than I. This was very daunting at first.

What has helped? Recognizing his faults and his/her/their issues. In most of our sitches their R isn't going anywhere for long and we know it. OM is a jerk and W, no EVERYONE, knows it. He recently shouted at W, "I'm not in love with you." I sometimes wonder what the relationship is based upon and I have come to the conclusion it is distraction. He treats her like sh*t, she treats him like sh*t and they're still together.

Comparing yourselves to OW is like comparing salt and pepper. Pepper can be exciting, but you can live without it. You can't live without salt.

I'm a 47 yr old man and I don't want a 25 year old woman. What would we have in common? How could she relate appropriately to my children? How long would such a R last? I would much rather be with one of you girls, stretch marks and all (I'm sure you notice them much more than I would). I found many of you very interesting as I read your posts, imagined what you're like and would be interested in meeting you.

A healthy relationship is characterized by friendship, respect, mutual interests, love, commitment. If the R lacks these then I don't want it, not even with W.

Take care of yourself, get a hobby (new or old) become healthier, try new clothing styles, GAL! If there is a new R in our future (with S or someone else) it will come along when we don't expect it, not when we're looking for it. In the meantime, relax, have fun, live.

[forward]

That's true--we have to consider that the OW/OM is pretty unhealthy. I mean, why would one settle for a married person otherwise???

Interestingly enough, a single friend who's my age is involved with a young woman who's about 25. When he said that, I felt bad at first. But when I met her, she is very together. Not the cliche "mature for her age"--she really is together. I don't know too many women that age who buy their own house, for example, and travel the world, have professional level job, etc.. I like her. I don't think their R will last but I am still happy for both of them, and if it does last I will be happy for both of them.

What I found amusing is that Friend's GF did not like H and found H's OW to be very, very immature. Of course, he's likely to have said that for my sake, but still.

[sleeper]

Breton,

It probably wasn't said for your sake. No one and I mean NO ONE who knew W and I like OM (my friends, our friends or even her friends). I guess that's why W and OM hang out with his friends exclusively. One of W's old friends even commented she doesn't like W anymore, she's not the same person.

I really believe mlc should be listed in the physician's desk reference book. Maybe it already is: Temporary Insanity.

[forward]

Well, Sleeper, many things in our favbor, but is this at all translating into changes in our favor? For you more so than me, but it's still tough.

Sigh. I guess the going dark helps us take care of ourselves....

Hoping to not be home when H comes by today. I need some time away from him.

[tpaschal]

My thought is that if I have to go it alone, I can deal with that. That is OK. What I want is to have relationships around me--relationships of ALL kinds--that are positive and warm so that when I'm off this crazy planet, I will know that I have experienced some of the best of what there is to offer.

As far as the OW psychological mess element...why H was dripping with sympathy for this girl child when he had a little girl who really needed him is beyond me. It won't last. It's a twisted, weird situation where they are using each other.

Sorry I was such a wet blanket with my last post! And I probably will be with this one, too! I guess I'm feeling beaten down by H comments during Thursday's counseling session. It's hard to feel worthwhile or interesting or attractive when H says he's realized he needs a different type of partner (implying that I have serious flaws in my character), he doesn't love me as a woman, hasn't loved me in a long time, and can't even remember the last time he felt love for me. <sigh>

Though in hindsight I can see that there were some problems that I should have been more aware of and things I should have done differently, I know that most of this is MLC-BS, and I know that he loved me.

But it still hurts to hear the man that you've loved more than half of your life say these things.

I loved being in a relationship, being part of a couple. Also, H was my best friend. I know I want that again, whether it's with H or with someone new, but I was never good at flirting or dating. I'm not shy, exactly, just awkward. I can talk to anyone about anything, but if a hint of flirting is added in, I get awkward and freeze up. So, even though I KNOW I'm still standing for my M, and NOT ready to move on, even thinking about this as a possibility makes me nervous and sad.

As far as my H's OW goes, I don't know if either of them realize what a mess she is.

Her parents divorced when she was 11 or so, either because her dad was abusive or a WAH; OW and her mom both turned to Christianity to cope (notice I don't say that they turned to God); she became VERY active in her church and was a very outspoken Christian; her older brother came out as being homosexual though it seems he is still loved and accepted by the family; her older sister was married, had a baby, and was divorced by the time she was 21 or 22 while OW was still in high school and is now onto her 2nd or 3rd live in relationship; OW started big time flirting with my H and with another doctor in the practice while only 16 or 17; when OW graduated high school she didn't want to go to college and continued her high school job working as a file clerk in H's office; she had a long term unrequited crush on a friend; she finally started college only to drop out after one semester; she tells a story that she was raped (date rape, I think); and then got into a fairly long term abusive relationship from which my H helped "rescue" her. When H and OW's relationship was outed, her church asked her to leave, and she has since decided that the Bible is just a "man made rulebook."

Yet H tells me that OW has fixed "all of her issues." Oh, yeah??? Then why the heck did she plan and execute a campaign to take a married man away from his wife and children? If she's so "fixed," then why did she start screwing a married man who's almost twice her age, while he was still living at home with his wife and children???!!!

And H seems to take every opportunity to say what a good person she is, how right she is for him, how she will be a part of his life, etc.

It's very painful. It does make me doubt myself, and doubt our whole life together. Is it true? Did he hate me for so long? I don't really believe that, but I can't help but have doubts.

Why would H want THAT instead of ME?

[forward]

"And H seems to take every opportunity to say what a good person she is, how right she is for him, how she will be a part of his life, etc."

Tell him good luck with that. Sounds like an amateur psychology project--definitely the case in my H's situation. Life will take care of it all.

Maybe he does need a different type--someone nuts. MLCers are nutty and need nutty people to prop them up.

I found that taking H to counseling was a waste of time, so I won't initiate that kind of thing again. The other day he spewed about some dumbass thing and said "I don't like you." I said "I don't care." I think that shocked him. That sort of comment used to hurt me deeply. It doesn't any more.

I think of it as dealing with an adultalescent. Teenagers say all kinds of mean nasty things because they are teenagers (stomp foot). I wish I could make him stand in the corner or take away the car keys, but again, time and life take care of these things.

I have lost some self-confidence in some ways, but H was so nasty and complaining before he left that I certainly don't miss THAT person.

Plus I ordered more supplemental wardrobe items today, so that was a damn good feeling!!

Trying to be as dark as I can with a very small child. I hope I'll be out of here today before H shows up.

[sleeper]

tpaschal,

"Why would H want that instead of me?"

Because he is MESSED UP! Have you ever noticed messed up people tend to associate with other messed up people? Drug addicts hang out with other drug addicts, criminals hang out with other criminals, unhappy people hang out with other unhappy people, alcoholics hang out with other alcoholics, etc., etc.

Take this as confirmation that YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. He is not with her because she is better than you, he is with her because he is messed up and so is she.

If she was a very healthy, together, successful, beautiful person it would be different. It's also proof there is something wrong with him that he may come through and your marriage be restored.

[mishka422]

I have been dwelling in "land of self loathing" for so long that I'm not sure how to get out!

I honestly have never had much self-confidence but being rejected by the man I have loved for half of my life has completely destroyed any miniscule amount I may have gained over the years.

Over the last 10 months I have been seeing a diet doctor and have lost over 60 pounds. I still have a way to go but I'm so much healthier. My H basically gave me confidence in social situations that I had never had before because I felt like with him by my side it wouldn't matter if they didn't like me, I still had him to love me. Now I just feel like I'm floundering.

I'm supposed to go to a birthday party tonight at a friend's house but I know there will be over 50 people there most of which I don't know. That scares the bejezees out of me.

I'm still debating this. I just don't know how to gain any confidence. I'm smart and can be funny but I'm not what anyone would consider a pretty woman. I guess I just need to find something that will give me a boost.

Ok, I think I'm talking myself into going to this party. If I'm going to go I need to get in the shower right now. Yeah, I've talked myself into it. Wish me luck.

[ford]

just a 43 yr old male view.

my oldest son is 26 this month. the thought of dating a woman in his dating pool makes me want to hurl.

anytime we get "deselected" ( is that a word)? we of course blame and question ourselves.

lemme tell ya, the younger gals have the head turning thing, but after they open their mouth, all the allure is gone.

I'm attracted to established women who can spell, can take care of themselves, and who do not NEED me. I like it if they want me.

a stretch mark or added pounds, I could give a [censored]. thats the mark of an experienced woman. wisdom, calmness, consistency, and a true sense of self are what ring my bell. ( along with her showing me how to spell).

I guess it's all bout learning to love ourselves.

lemme tell ya, I loved 25 yr olds, when I was 25. now I'm 43, I like women who don't say " DuH'.

this make any sense?

you ladies have way more to offer than the young ones. they will get to a point where they have what you have.

like wine, they have to age.

I sure hope I didn't make this sound insulting.

[Sandyof5]

Ford...

Thank you..and that was not insulting..DUH!! Sorry I couldnt resist!

On a serious note...it was nice to hear your view. As woman when we are "deselected" ( BTW I like that word) it really can shake the STRONGEST most confident women right to the depths of her soul. My soul hurts. Literally. As much as I try ..and I do quite well I might add..to put one foot in front of the other and throw my shoulders back and hold my head high. Its those quiet fleeting moments where the insecurities creep in. The OW is living MY life. I thank you for your honesty and sharing.