Question for the Group

[soul_mate]

I am courious if situation would be considred an affair and if anyone else has had it happen in this way.

W and I Separated no OM was in the picture and I am sure of this. A couple weeks after the separation she tells me she is going to see others. A month after this she meets OM. Her and OM have been carrying on a long distance R for the past 6 months. She has made no steps toward a D.

I have all of the feelings like everyone in this group, but I also hold a little respect for my W for separting before meeting OM. Now she admits to seeing others, but is not completely honest since she denies how serious she is about OM.

Anyway just curious what everyone thinks about this.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think your wife was in all likelihood already in at least an EA with this man when she asked you for your separation.

Let me ask you, when she told you "she was going to see others," how did you respond? If you laid down a boundary, because you were still married, then yes, she is considered to be having an affair. If you were OK with it, then I guess you'd be considered to have an "open marriage." Personally, I would never be OK with that.

Puppy

[soul_mate]

I am 100% sure that she did not know OM when we separated. Now I know she though she could do better than me, but she did not know him.

As for my response I adamantly disagreed with her that we should see others. But in the end she didn't care what I said and was going to see others anyway. So she was honest about going out to see others, but it hurt me just as bad and I feel betrayed just the same.

[karen43]

But in the end she didn't care what I said and was going to see others anyway. So she was honest about going out to see others, but it hurt me just as bad and I feel betrayed just the same.

My H did that as well, like the fact that he is honest about his awful behavior makes it OK for some reason!!! (He really seems to believe that!) Uh, no!!! Karen

[Puppy Dog Tails]

How are you 100% sure?

[soul_mate]

Well I figured that was coming. I am 100% sure from snooping, which I know is not a good thing to do, but that was then. I intercepted a message about them meeting each other so I am a 100% sure of when they first meet.

Maybe my question doesn't even matter I was just curious more than anything. I know it is very unusual for the WAS to leave before they have someone else waiting in the wings. I just wondered if someone else has had that happen and how there sitch is.

[runningoutoftime]

I think when they move out, and tell you about a relationship, and what they are doing, then you don't have as much distrust. For example, if you reconcile and the whole thing was hidden, or they lied to you, you'd be more likely to look for signs if a spouse is hiding something, or lying. It's a larger distrust issue. But if they move out before things heat up, and tell you what they are doing.... then, if you reconcile, you are less likely to worry about them lying or hiding things.

I think the pain and sense of betrayal are about the same. Personally, I find the lying worse. When my husband's affair started he chalked it up to "not wanting to be married to me." I found that more frustrating and painful then having him admit to it. At least once I knew about the affair I didn't feel like it was all about me. I knew there was other influences. Although the affair was extremely painful. It's a different pain. Worse in some ways....

But I like knowing truth.

[kat727]

Hands down it is an affair. When my H ended his EA for a short time he was mopey(withdrawal). He did trial run seperation(every other weekend he stayed with a friend and I now see it for what it was) and then boom he was gone. Started back up with OW who had gotten a divorce and since he wasn't home, they decided it was fine to start a PA. Funny how they convince themselves that it is OK because they create a situation where some people may construe(sp?) it to be ok. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it. Married is married.
kat

[runningoutoftime]

In the dictionary I looked at the definition of "affair" is two people who are not married to each other having a romantic relationship.

[soul_mate]

I guess it is an affair, but maybe just not cheating since it is not a secret. You know I have though many time of doing the D myself just because of the fact I feel the affair is so disrespectful to the M.