Why shouldn't Mitch ask Althea to make his new home more comfortable for her kids, to stock his freezer with the kids favorite dishes, to come over and dust for him? Being a good person does not entail ex-spouses doing favors for each other. Mitch doesn't owe Althea household favors, and vice versa.
I just don't see that changing lightbulbs is a parental duty. It is something well within Althea's reach, even if she has to buy a new ladder or ask a friend.
My guess is that the reason it seems reasonable to Althea (and perhaps to you and others) for Althea to ask Mitch to change lightbulbs in her house is because she is drawing on his position as her ex-husband, and what he "should" do as her ex-husband, what she secretly feels entitled to expect from him. Again, expecting anything from him in virtue of that role is not going to help Althea with anything other than creating multiple instances of frustration, disappointment, and bitterness. Like I said, these minor ties and demands based on someone being an ex-spouse aren't good for anyone.
Of course, you are free to disagree with me. My outlook here is based on my own experience. The more I accepted that my life was really entirely my responsibility and that I had no claim on XH to make it go more smoothly in any way, the better my life went.
Ask more from those who want to share your life and nothing from those who don't. It is a better life.
Well, Fig, if he asks what he can do to help and you tell him he can change a light bulb, that's a bit different, isn't it? I don't see anything troubling about that. First, he asked. Second, your D is a lot more remote and the request probably doesn't have much to do with your old M.
Althea already asked once some time ago. Mitch didn't do it. Now she is planning on asking again. They are newly D, there are still power struggles to finish and letting go to happen. Very different sitch.
I can certainly imagine asking my XH for some small favor now. We are purportedly friends and have some contact. It wouldn't much matter to me one way or the other. But the dynamic would be very different than when I was asking him to dogsit because it is something he "should" have been doing after the
if I were taller than Althea and lived near her...I would even do it.
if she can't do it and he can he should
she has custody of the children...and...if Mitch said...hey, Althea, I can't fix kid#1's sweater and it is here and you can so can you do it
she would
she is saying hey mitch...there is this lightbulb thing that I can't reach...while you are in MY home spending time with OUR children, could you please change it?
not a big deal
the idea that people have the right to be discourteous to each other...especially to someone important enough to have children with...or that she shouldn't ask simply because they are divorced is ridiculous
like I said it would be like she was asking me hey figgy while you are watching my children since you are tall, can you get that lightbulb for me????
I agree and dissagree with the above statements, lol
If 4nowH happens to be with here for the kids and he can put up a lightbulb for me I'd ask; however, if my sink breaks I will not ask him to fix it (this place will at some poing be owned only by me, I'm paying him off) Indeed, my sink is broken, I have asked my brother and he's fixing it, wasn't planning on asking 4nowH at all, he did notice it was broken, i told him bro was fixing it and that was that.
Not asking 4nowH for anything has helped me detach, to stop thinking of him as my H, to stop expecting him to do things an H would--our S is pretty fresh so in my sitch it is better I do things myself. I feel I can do things without his help and it gives me more confidence.
I think I stopped asking for help after 2x he said no when I asked him to return a movie for me, it would've taken him 3mins to do it but he didnt' want to, so that pretty much led me to stop asking him altogether.
There are things in the house he has to deal with (mainly him taking his crap with him and help me set the porch in the pre-war state it was before he trashed it with his stuff) that i'm holding him responsible for, i wont' clean his messes anymore.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
How is this for a rule of thumb: if you wouldn't ask the H of an acquaintance who dropped by with her H, then don't ask XH. This guarantees that the request is neither too intimate or dependent.
I've been thinking about this question, and something just happened that really taught me something - at least about my XH, if not anyone else's.
My L asked med to get a mortgage discharge statement. Since stbx works at the institution where we have that mortgage, I asked him if he could do it for me. He initially agreed, then said no, it wouldn't be appropriate and, in fact, that the notary should be asking for it.
I called my L, who had spent the day in court and was not in a good mood! He actually got angry (never happened before) and said, "Do not ask him for ANYTHING! He is NOT your friend!" I said that he wants to get this over with too, so why shouldn't I ask him? L's reply: He's a lazy man, and the sooner you stop asking him for anything, the better off you'll be.
Whoa! So I called the branch that holds the mortgage and spoke with the manager. She asked me why STBX didn't just go and get a print-out himself!!! Now STBX is extremely private and I don't know if he wants anyone at work to know what's going on, but now he looks even stupider for not just getting it himself! ROFL!
Anyway, I said I didn't know why he wouldn't get it himself, and could she send it to me. I don't have a fax, and bank policy is that she can't scan and email it, so she would have to mail it.
I emailed stbx to tell him, and added that my L needs it to write up my offer, and it'll take a while b/c it was being mailed. Well, lo and behold, H suddenly found that he could, indeed get involved. He emailed the other manager, and asked her to fax it to my L.
The moral of this story: If your STBX or X is a lazy, narcissitic jerk, don't even bother asking him to do the simplest thing for you b/c unless he sees the value in it for HIMSELF, he won't.
Hope you're having fun, Althea!
N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
