Hello and thanks for taking the time to read this.
I am posting in here for a couple of reasons, one is to get this off of my chest and two is perhaps looking for a solution (or at least help) for an ongoing problem in my marriage.
My wife and I have been married for 6 years now, we have four children, all boys and we are a blended family. We have 2 of the boys all the time and the other two every other weekend and all during the summer months.
My wife is a fantastic mother, warm and caring and free with her love and affection for the kids. She favors the children of her own body maybe slightly over her step kids (or that could just be my perception of things)
When it comes to her time with me, however she is withdrawn, cold and distant and at times downright mean. We have had sex less than 15 times in the last 3 years....she states that sex makes her skin crawl and that I should not take it personal. (!!!) She also has informed me that I should not get upset or made about the fact that before her sexual affair with another man we had sex on a fairly regular rate, and that it was good sex..not just the mechanical thing we do now on the rare times we do do it. She has also said that I need to curb my sex drive and be happy for the fact that we have sex at all.
I find my wife sexy in every way shape and form and it is hard (really hard)for me not to want to have sex with her on a very regular basis. I don't expect her to have sex with me everyday or even every other day, but once a week or so would be nice.
We get into some really big fights over this and I just don't know what to do anymore. It is starting (ok it has been going on for a while) to make question my own looks and personality and charm etc etc...my self-esteem is down. I have tried to talk to her, tried to ignore it tried to do whatever I can to help the situation along...all to no result. She seems to try and put the onus on me to change.
Sorry about the random fashion of this post, but there is so much on my mind that wants to come out..it is hard to fashion into a good form.
I don't want to leave my wife, I don't want to split my family..but I don't want to live in such a sad sad place anymore.
I have not read sex-starved marriage, but I have read a lot of other marriage and relationship books.
What does she want me to change? My desire for sex. She tells me that it is un-natural to want sex as much as I do, and that her drive is perfectly normal. I would not even classify myself as a high drive person however and I do not consider sex 3 or 4 times a year enough.
What have I tried to change? In my mind just about everything. We don't have sex, we don't touch, we don't hug...we don't do anything physical at all. I have been dealing with these things for 3 years now and I am not sure I can deal with it anymore. I feel that I give and give and give and she just takes and takes and takes...
When it comes to her time with me, however she is withdrawn, cold and distant and at times downright mean. We have had sex less than 15 times in the last 3 years....she states that sex makes her skin crawl and that I should not take it personal. (!!!) She also has informed me that I should not get upset or made about the fact that before her sexual affair with another man we had sex on a fairly regular rate, and that it was good sex..not just the mechanical thing we do now on the rare times we do do it. She has also said that I need to curb my sex drive and be happy for the fact that we have sex at all.
Hi, ty.
I am sorry for your pain.
I have a couple questions for you.
When and how did her affair end?
What makes you sure it is over?
Even your brief description gives indication that she may still be wayward.
All the best, NOPkins
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
It ended about 2 years ago now with her basically telling me that she was going to end it, she decided she wanted to stay with her family and not start all over again. This was in Feb. but I knew she continued to see the other man until May.
I do not know that the affair is over. She tells me all the time they are great friends (they do still talk, he invited her to his wedding and he came to her mom's funeral) but that nothing is going on between them. She also talks to and contacts a younger guy that she works with on a regular basis that I worry about.
I have been sleeping on the couch now for almost 2 weeks with no response from her. We don't talk and we don't touch..and it does not bother her a bit. It gets hard to hide the pain that comes with all of that.
So Wends. night we got into another fight. I was angry and bitter about her just not caring that we don't touch, talk or engage each other in any way shape or form. Maybe I am just to bitter to do anything about it anymore, but sometimes I just want to shake her. She has made it VERY clear to me that her 2 kids and her job mean more to her than anything else in her life right now. These are her words.
I have (I feel anyway) done everything I can to salvage this marriage and I don't know if I can find it in me to try anymore. She has just stopped trying to do ANYTHING for me at all. We are two seperate people living in the same house with nothing in common except the kids. I feel totally left out and abandoned and alone. We have gone to therapy and that did not help..she pretty much ignored the therapist.
Whenever we fight she throws our youngest boy up as a shield, telling me she can't believe I would be so selfish as to think aboue leaving and that I should learn to live with the marriage the way it is because she can't change who she is. Things like "I feel sorry for our son that he has a father that is so selfish that he can think about leaving him over sex". Well seeing as we have not had sex a whole lot over the last 2 years...I don't think it is about the sex! But...she doesn't see that.
Last night she did not come home from work...and she called me this morning to let me know she would not be home until late tonight...if she comes home at all so I should try and find someone to watch the kids Saturday morning. That is her MO though. Whenever we fight she takes off for the day, or for a couple days and then acts like nothing happened when she gets back.
Anyway...that was just a little vent. I don't think I am asking too much for her to throw a little love and understanding my way am I? Or to do more than just say I love you and maybe make me feel it a little?
Tyguy, I'm a man with some understanding of the situation in which you find yourself. Hang in there. In the next day I can post a more detailed reply, giving you some ideas that have worked for me. Let me know if you're interested. Whatever happens, you will get through this.
Last edited by Bereal; 04/19/0811:25 AM.
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
Thanks for the reply and I look forward to hearing from you.
sgctxok-
Well to be more specific initially she asked me to help out around the house more and to do more with the kids. This was ohh about 5 years ago. I complied. In this day and age I do far more around the house (dishes, cleaning, laundry etc etc.) than she does and I spend more time with the kids. She used to get mad that I would come home and get right on the computer...now that is her. She gets home from work, I have supper on the table, we eat and then she goes to the computer to look at her facebook page and shop online.
I supported her for 6 years while she got her degree and now that she has a job she pretty much goes about like we did before she had a job, but now she spends money on herself.
Then there is our sex life. In the start of our relationship sex was good. Fun and spontaneous and often. Then when we got married it started to slack off. She then told me she was not comfortable having sex with me, and it made her skin crawl. I tried to be understanding and for 3 years sex tappered off to almost nothing. Then I found out she was having an affair with a guy. Took her back.
Now I feel like all the daily grind things in our marriage fall to me to complete with no rewards or any input from her. She is coasting along. She told me her job and the kids would ALWAYS be more important to her than me and I need to get used to it. The kids are so importanat to her that she has not seen them in 3 days and has not come home in that time.
I try to be there for her for anything I can. I help her when she asks, I get her things when she is just as capable of gettig them as I. I do things that I don't want to do to make her happy...I am pretty much her lap dog..and I am tired of getting kicked. I know I am not making myself all that clear...I am bad at typing out my feeling but good at fealing them if that makes sense. I don't think I am being selfish and I don't think I am being unfai r to demand that she takes some responsibility for the well-being of our marriage. It should not all fall to me and right now it very much feels that way.
Thanks and I hope that helps to answer your question...if not let me know and I will try again =D
