Hi guys! I think I'm back! I fell into a bit of a hole there... and was struggling to keep it together. Have been so teary and achy all week.
This afternoon I gave myself space to think about what's not working. I went back and re-looked at some of the basics and realised that I was struggling to accept the separation and that my lovely H just doesnt exist anymore. And I had started to focus on the negatives of being single, so I forced myself to focus on the positives of being single. And I've had to go right back to the beginning and break my time down into 1/2 blocks and think what about what I'd like to do for the next 1/2 hour.
So am feeling much better. I made myself go out tonight to see people I dont really know and forced myself to be friendly and chatty, and I feel more in control again. Being single is good - who knows who you can meet, and I can just focus on myself.
I also rang H this afternoon about half way through sorting out in my head all the stuff above. I rang him to ask for some manly 'advice' - he was very chatty and helpful. But still closed about himself. Oh well. I felt like calling him (up until now I have only called to return his text messages) was a big enough step on my part, and that asking to see him is too huge a step and would not go over well at this stage. I hope it sends enough of a message that we can talk OK on the phone, even if seeing each other is still too hard for us both. I'm feeling so much better. I love him. I'm waiting for him, but I'm going to have a good time in the meantime. When he's ready he can step towards me. I'm happy now to wait for him to make a move.
I think if he contacts me in less than 3 weeks it will be a baby step towards me. My goals for me are to meet new people and have a great fantastic life separate from H, so that I am a complete whole person. (Having a good group of friends is what I'm lacking cause we moved countries 2 years ago). I just want friends to do stuff with. I think I realised today that I wouldnt be happy if H came back now because I havent had time to make enough changes in my life.
(((One Day))) (((T))). Thanks for supporting me and challenging me!
