who feels insecure?

[forward]

I'm posting this for women in particular, but really it applies to all of us who have been rejected by the person we love.

How are you handling the insecurity that comes from this rejection?

In my situation, OW is half H's age. I feel old. I've been working on building a lovely new wardrobe, etc.. And if I do say so myself, I look good overall!

I know I'm also an interesting person, I have considerable successes in my life on a professional level (and I certainly expect more).

But I see men this age, who are looking for women who are much younger, and I just feel insecure about my own attractiveness now.

Who relates? How are you dealing, barring finding someone else to tell you you look good??

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I dealt with this by realizing that I did look good. I was a good catch.
I started flirting, absolutely nothing but flirting, with women in stores and in public.
It helped me realize that 'they' found me interesting.

[Lissie]

I hear you loud and clear, actually very recently this hit home for me.

I can't compare myself physically, to a 2o something year old "tight" body.


I would lose. I know it.

I felt the pang of it.

I realize tho, that is not something I want to "compete" with.

I mean. A tight body can only get you so far, and um they were born in the 8o's Fod Gods sake, what do they have in common?

Do they have something in common that lasts?

No sweetie they don't.

You have love, and wisdom, and yes sexyness.

YOu are compassionate, and caring.

You are a wonderful mom

I think the latter means more honestly. If the man you are with, does not see that.

Then he is the one with the problem, sweetie not you.

[Sandyof5]

Well..I was just thinking of this as I opened this site..

Well..Im 44...I look ok. I guess I even look younger than 44. But I have had three babies..2 surgeries and have the scars to prove it. Stretch marks and veins running down my legs...so I have my "marks of age" however I also have the wisdom that comes with age that a 20 something does NOT have. I have my personality and my ability to talk to just about anyone at any given time. I am a women of great character, integrity and strength and frankly I am quite amazing. And...guess what??? I dont sleep with married men.

So yeah..I "go there" too sometimes. My OW is 41 but she is highly educated and makes a 6 figure income...but shes sleeping with a married man..oh and BTW she is married too. And she is breaking up HER family...So with as much education as she has and her high income...I do believe SHE is the one feeling insecure..cuz as insecure as I might feel at times..I believe in myself enough to know how to stand up and do whats right...and that my dear friends is beauty to the core.

[forward]

Well, yes, I would like to feel that way but it still hurts like hell and has made me feel insecure.

I have to say, though, that being told about OW's immaturity does make me feel more confident that this will end eventually--whether H will want to be with me is another story.

[tpaschal]

I'm not handling the rejection. Not well, anyway. Oh, I've been told (by a gay male friend and some of my gf's) that I'm still hot and if and when I want to date I won't have any problems, but I don't really believe it. But I've always had issues with that---not liking my looks. I was always shy about talking to guys. Didn't really know how to flirt.

I know I'm not ready to even think about dating, and I'm still standing, but as it looks like the D is more and more inevitable, it is something that worries me.

In my situation, OW is half H's age. I feel old.

Yep, right there with you on this. The line in your sig---OW: 22 and a psychological mess---describes my H's OW word for word, including the age.

I've been working on building a lovely new wardrobe, etc.. And if I do say so myself, I look good overall!

Yay, breton! That's a great start. Being confident is so healthy. I need to get me some of that! (Confidence, I mean.)

I have lots of formal and dressy clothes since H and I went out a lot for work related events, but since I've been a stay at home mom and out of the workforce for 14 years, my everyday clothes tend to be of the soccer-mom variety. I'm not even sure what I'll need to get back into the workforce. (I was an elem. school teacher, so the dress code really depends on the school and the principal.)

And I'm NOT confident about my overall looks. Sandyof5 mentioned having kids and stretch marks---me, too! I'm not overweight, but after having three kids I have some stretching and permanent sagging that only surgery would correct!

Plus, my hair has been falling out. A lot. Had to get it all cut off because I had holes in my hair. Not bald, but a big chunk where the hair broke off down to like an inch long. <sigh> Stress related, maybe?????

I know I'm also an interesting person, I have considerable successes in my life on a professional level (and I certainly expect more).

I think I'm fun and interesting, but I don't have anything going for me right now other than being a mom and trying to help me and the kids get through this. Makes it hard to talk to new people.

But I see men this age, who are looking for women who are much younger, and I just feel insecure about my own attractiveness now.

Who relates? How are you dealing, barring finding someone else to tell you you look good??

It's weird. I have a friend who is 43 who was in my shoes a year or two before I started going through it. Her D has been final for at least a year, and she's been going out a lot, flirting, dating, and she has found that a lot of younger men (sometimes MUCH younger, a few in their early twenties, but mostly in their early 30's) are interested in her! But the men her own age are usually slobbering after someone significantly younger. What is up with that? Yuck.

As far as how to deal with the rejection and my self-esteem and insecurity issues. I'm not dealing. Not at all.

Hmm....I'm sure that didn't really help. Sorry! But I would love to get some tips from others who are further down this path than me!

[Firekeeper]

breton,

in my case, h said that one of the major difference between me and ow is that she is a professional who is financially stable and makes tons of money.

my beauty, my charm, my body (40yo but fit and sexy altho with strechmarks after two kids) - do not sway him. she is the same age, overweight, semi good looking. and she broke with him cople mo ago to go back to her previous boyfriend she was engaged with before. and he still is entrenched in "loving her".

my insecurity is about making money. regardless of h, i want to be financially secure. it is so hard for me. if before i could run away from this challenge - now it is right in my face.

you know, i read you because in some way you are a role model for me - you are financially stable professional with a good salary

[a new 2moro]

[color:#000099]well im 52 H is 50 ow is 25.....long red hair down to her fat ass. she was a toiliet cleaner in a resort...now does some kind of resort management in a hotel. still housekeeping. a low life looking a r a meal ticket out of mill town...D'd her H 2 months after hooking mine...yeah my self esteem is still in a bad state. hes home...but shes still around.....i lost weight but menopuase i guess is bringing it back arggghhhhh...so i feel worse given the fact hes been home for 9 mo and still no intamacy.[/color

[forward]

TPaschal,

It pained me to read your post. I am so sorry that you feel that way. But I'm glad I posted this thread because I think it's important to acknowledge that pain there and work on it, you know? It can really strike to the core of our femininity (not that men are not crushed as well).

But attractiveness IS about more than looks. That said, I now recognize that being as attractive as you can physically can be make you feel better about yourself, and then all the other good stuff can shine through, too.

So...what would help you feel more attractive? For me, it's been new clothes and jewelry. Somewhere along the line I found I had mostly black and tan clothes that were boring!

But feeling more attractive has also been going out and meeting new people. That's helped a lot.

I was never much into fashion, so it's confusing to be getting more into it at age 40 and hoping I don't look like I'm-40-in-my-own-crisis.

"I don't have anything going for me right now other than being a mom and trying to help me and the kids get through this."

And you know what? That's a helluva a lot. That's what I'm concluding. Give yourself credit. And the chance to get yourself back together. We all need that. It will take some time.

I was 38 when I had D2, so I've been in the workplace my entire adult life and while I'm not making six figures, I've done OK. But I will tell you: nothing is as hard (and yet paradoxically as easy) as being a mom. That was a real surprise to me.

Just keeping your sanity during this time is pretty good! So if you're not feeling great...well, we all will eventually. I'm getting there, slowly.

My thought is that if I have to go it alone, I can deal with that. That is OK. What I want is to have relationships around me--relationships of ALL kinds--that are positive and warm so that when I'm off this crazy planet, I will know that I have experienced some of the best of what there is to offer.

As far as the OW psychological mess element...why H was dripping with sympathy for this girl child when he had a little girl who really needed him is beyond me. It won't last. It's a twisted, weird situation where they are using each other.

Will he want me back? dunno. Do I want him back? I'm starting to say Well, I do not need him back.

The dark is helping me.

[forward]

And also, if you're posting in this thread, or following it, think of a little something you can do to feel better about yourself.

I highly recommend buying yourself flowers.

I've never been into some of these high maintenance feminine things like French pedicures; maybe that is why they are so appealing now.