RTL, You are doing the best thing by not responding. Your W sounds like she is cornered and lashing out. She sounds angry at her situation and is threatening you.She wants to scare you, so don't let her. Maybe she thinks if she can't get things her way through the legal system, she will do it by intimidating you. The best thing to do no matter how difficult is ignore. Try not to give her any fuel for her fire, it sounds like she is having a fit because maybe the evalutaion is not going her way.
D called W while we were at the game and talked w/ her for about a minute or so. About 45 minutes or so after D's call, I get this text from W:
Quote:
thank you. although you are obviously not intelligent enough to realize it, your continued, blatant coaching of D makes you look terrible to the court and helps me greatly. so thank you and keep up the terrible job.
She followed it up with a text saying "August 14..." That is the day she said she was unhappy and didn't know if she loved me anymore.
Friday night w/o her daughter + vicious texts to her STBX = Alcohol enhanced pity party. Ignore it.
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
I didn't text back and I've resited the urge to defend myself, but I'm so hurt, scared, angry and confused. What is this? I'm not coaching my D. My D is telling me things about the OM. Did W go to the parenting evaluator and he discussed my concern about D not calling OM by his real name w/ her? Is this what she is calling my "coaching?" I don't know, but now I'm all defensive and racking my brain trying to figure out what I could have done wrong.
Your simple existence is what you are doing wrong. If you would just give her everything that she wants and then disappear from the face of the earth, she could be happy.
You can't apply reason to magical thinking.
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
I don't know what to do here. I really don't. I'm tired of being harrassed by her and I'm tired of her mean spirited actions and words. I hate that I'm second guessing myself now about my words and behavior around D.
So don't do it any more. The reason she can get to you is that you are unsure of RTL, the person. I am not. RTL is not perfect, nobody is, but he is always doing his best and trying to do what is right. Once you see in RTL what everyone else on this board sees, you'll see her nastiness for what it is--childish petulance.
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
If I guilty of trying to coach her on anything it is on the concept that she lives sometimes in her "house w/ mommy" and sometimes in her "house w/ daddy." I'm doing this so she'll always feel like she has a place, not to get her to choose me over her mother. I was told to make sure I do this in my parenting class, so I'm focusing on making sure D feels like she belongs and has ownership of somewhere.
You know what is right, so keep doing it.
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
I'm still not in a good place over this. Why did she have to give up? Why did she have to be so mean? Where did my W go? Why am I still trying to save us? She is so mean. Will she ever soften?
This person has been there all along, but you chose to ignore it because of other aspects that made up for it. We do that in all of our relationships. Will she soften, who knows? My bet is that this will be a repeated pattern for her until she learns to look inward for happiness.
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
I really want to quit and fight back just as nastily as she's doing, but I can't. I want to, but I can't.
You can do the former, but not the latter. That is not the father you want your daughter to see.
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
I'm down and need to got to sleep.
Everything looks less hopeless after a good night's sleep.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other RTL. No matter what the alien says, you are doing a good job.
You are a really good friend to me. I'm glad you decided to read my post and respond. You are very grounded in your posts and I have benefitted greatly from what you've said.
As I'm looking back at yesterday, it does seem as if W was and still is very, very desperate and her e-mail from last night was another attempt to bait me and/or intimidate me into giving her something she wants.
I know I've let her shake my confidence in myself and that is mostly because I'm still expecting her to be half-way decent. That is my problem completely - EXPECTATIONS on her behavior. I have to remember to completely remove any and all expections I have on W being decent w/ me. It is very hard to do b/c of who she was and no longer is as well as how much love we had b/t us for so long.
I know I'm doing the best I can for D in this situation. I can only work on me and on my being honest and straight-forward w/ the situation and hope that the justice system will get it right in the end.
I've come to agree w/ you that she is scared and grasping here. I have deducted she had a session w/ the parenting evaluator and the topic of D referring to OM by an incorrect name came up and W was quick to put the blame for this squarely on to me.
I'm guessing things didn't go so incredibly well b/c she was full of piss and vinegar last night. Nut mentioned this may have been aided by the wine she was undoubtedly drinking and I've got to say I know he's right. W is depressed and she has a problem w/ alcohol. That combo, combined w/ a session where she may have begun to see some of the writing on the wall about custody, may very well be the reason for last night. NOT ME. HER.
Thanks for affirming that I'm doing the right thing by not responding. It is very difficult not to say something in return, and even though I know a no response is the best response, it is nice to hear it from you all out there. It just helps to solidify that what I'm doing is right.
As Nut mentioned, the Alien may or may not soften in time. That choice will be completely up to her and her alone. However, as you all point out, I don't have to let that Alien control me.
I'm working on breaking away from her and detaching, but it is diffcult, scary, lonely, and painful. I know why people throw in the towel - b/c it is easier to walk away rather than fight.
I can't let my D know I didn't fight for her, or for me as well. What message would that to her about how to go through life? The answer is the wrong one.
D and I didn't do much this morning. She didn't want to go out to breakfast, but wanted to simply sit w/ me on my bed and watch some of the new DVDs we bought for her to have w/ me. So, that is basically what we did all morning until we went to the pool to swim around 1.
W texted w/ a time and location and then later asked for me to not have D eat after 3 b/c they "had dinner plans." I replied both times w/ "ok" and I made sure that D had food well in advance of 3 pm (however she eats slowly, so she was still finishing up around 3:30, but I did my best).
We got home from the pool and I put D in the tub and finished up the laundry in preparation to get her to W by 5. I played w/ D for a bit in the tub, then got her out and we took off.
D asked me for a some money so she could help pay for dinner, so I gave her all the change she asked for (5 quarters total) and she put them in the little purse she uses to carry her "Littlest Pet Shop" animals around in.
We met W and I commented on the bright pink athletic skirt she had on. I told her it was an unexpected color for her and she looked like she was going to play tennis. W didn't have much of a response.
W commented that I did a good job picking out D's new sandals she was wearing and we briefly talked about D's upcoming birthday. I loaded a printer that we had new in the box into W's car for her and that was basically it. D kissed me and I told her I'd call tonight and tell her goodnight.
So, it was a pretty uneventful day. However the "drop off" days for me are very depressing. I've been fighting a tension headache all day as I just hate letting D go. I'm hoping it will get better to deal w/ as this moves forward.
I'm off now to go and eat something and I may watch a movie tonight to relax.
RTL, Not to be indelicate, but you said in a previous post that your wife had a hysterectomy. She was probably thrown into early menopause, which in your thirties has to be devastating to a woman. I can't imagine. Perhaps that accounts for much of her behavior and even the A.
RTL, I am sure you are aware the surgery took away more than just organs, it is hard for a woman to know she can't have more children while still of child bearing years. It also takes a piece of your identity. Maybe she didn't fully deal with it at the time and all this is the result. I had a friend who had a hysterectomy much later in life but had not gone through menopause. She also had one daughter and didn't want any more kids. But it still sent her into an emotional upheaval that was awful.I remember at one point she went off on a vacation with a cousin and called me and said she wasn't coming back, going to leave her husband and buy a condo . BTW they had a wonderful marriage. It didn't matter, she was determined. After a week ,I called her and told her she had better get back because I had been to her house and her husband had the sink piled with dishes and her daughter was skipping school and driving her car, She was home real fast. Sadly , she is gone , it was cancer, but I remember the 2 years after the hysterectomy. My best friend became someone who I didn't recognize. She did get C and we laughed about it later.But, she said , the surgically induced menopause was absolutely devastating. Just some thoughts on possible causes for your W's behavior
thank you. although you are obviously not intelligent enough to realize it, your continued, blatant coaching of D makes you look terrible to the court and helps me greatly. so thank you and keep up the terrible job.
Just want to point out, that if this was REALLY true, the smart thing for her to do would be keep her mouth shut about it, no? Just continue to let you make yourself look bad.
The fact that she had to text this to you means that in reality, she's scared about whatever the evaluator said, and is trying to scare you into retracting...something. Clearly your D has said some things that were not advantageous to your W. Out of the mouths of babes, eh? The truth is a WASs worst enemy.
You haven't said anything wrong. You haven;t done anything wrong. Don't get suckered into an exchange with her on this. If she says something in person, just say "I never say anything bad about you to D and hope you do the same". Period.
You are doing the right thing with minimal response to her ridiculous attacks.
The R that your W has with "The Snake" will fail. She will probably have many more R failures. All you can hope for is that you get primary custody and be the rock for your daughter. You need to be the stable part of her life. D4 will see her mother flounder over the years and this may actually be a lesson in life for her so as to not repeat her mothers mistakes.
Be strong, have patience and keep your eye on the ball.
