Cake eating or progress?

[Trixi]

Link to last thread : I don't "get" my H

H was away for Easter and just got back yesterday. He was very happy to see me.

Highlights:

*He said "Ya think you're winning me back?" and I said "Yup. what do you think?" and he said "could be...could be..."

*While ML he said ILY.

*Throughout the night he would snuggle up to me, kiss me, etc. (Normally we don't really touch at night because it makes us both too warm.)

*He said that we are dating exclusively. When I asked what that meant, he said that we would see each other at least once a week and that he wasn't going to be trying to meet anyone else.

*He sees the separation as a positive thing for us as a couple.

*He thinks I am beautiful and sexy/hot.

*I did some nice girly things for him that he REALLY appreciated

*He thinks about 'us' all the time

*He thinks we are doing better than we have for a long time.

*I have been wanting a tummy tuck *forever*, primarily to get rid of stretch marks from being pregnant, and asked if he would be willing to "babysit" me if I got one; he said "of course-I would love to" and i said "well, of course, you'll reap the benefits..." and he got a bit offended because it made it seem like *that* was his motivation to care for me.

Lowlights:
*He told me he had sex with two other girls. Both younger with hot bodies, but it helped him discover that it wasn't what he wanted. That sex with me is "WAY better even though they were beautiful and half my age." (I am really REALLY surprised that I am not very upset about this. ..I think because it was obvious it was awhile ago and that he now knows for sure that he isn't looking for that....)

*He says he really LIKES being single AND getting to eat his cake. But he knows it can't go on like this forever. (No sh*t, Sherlock)

*that he still feels like "something" is missing; that we don't communicate as good as we could. I brought up retrouvaille and he said that he didn't think we needed to go someplace to figure out how to talk. (Then WTH *do* we need?!) But "maybe he later he would be open to it."

*he said that he is starting to just say what he thinks and feels and if I get upset, then he might get upset too, but that it's not going to make him run. That we need to be open and honest with our thoughts and feelings.....*sigh* so nice in theory- and so easy for him given that he knows I'm not wanting a D. It seems like a lot of the premise of DB is to NOT 'pressure' our spouse with our thoughts.

*He definitely plans to have me remain here for the rest of my lease. (End of Dec.)

So, there it is in a nutshell.

I am hoping for a fab trip to Costa Rica. The point that he decided he was basically "done" was on a vacation in 2001. I hope that *this* vacation can help him realize I am different. In 2001, I was severly thyroid impaired. I was basically the walking dead (even so said doctor), but he still doesn't truly believe that the thyroid messed me up and impacted me mentally or physically. Oh, sure, he'll say he understands, but I can tell he doesn't *really*.

[minkerman]

Wow, Trixi, that all sounds so positive! You have a lot going for you in your sitch.

Your 'negatives' all sound workable.

You are on the same path as I am, I think - but further ahead.

Keep us posted, you're an inspiration.

[kml]

In 2001, I was severly thyroid impaired. I was basically the walking dead (even so said doctor), but he still doesn't truly believe that the thyroid messed me up and impacted me mentally or physically. Oh, sure, he'll say he understands, but I can tell he doesn't *really*.

It is the "invisible" illness, isn't it? And since it's supposedly so "easy" to treat, it really isn;t given the weight it deserves.

I've thought about writing a "letter home" for my thyroid patients to give to their spouses; not sure it would help, though.

Ellie

[Trixi]

"Inspiration" LOL that's funny, but thanks Hmmm...I am reading your signature-- sounds similar to my sitch- I'll go read your thread and see if I can be of any help.

My H is not your typical WAS. He did NOT have an OW to run off to. He has always maintained that he loves me, that he doesn't regret our time together, that he is attracted to me....BUT. "But what?" is the big mystery.

You know, I always thought that if he ever told me he slept with someone else, I would vomit (literally). And now, he said he's been with 2 other women and I just gloss over it like it's nothing. That frankly shocks me. I think that because it was told to me in the context of "this is what I don't want and I *know* I don't want it because..." and "you are so much better than them" I am able to handle it better. I did cry a few tears on the way to the store...

Am I an idiot? Or just someone that wants to save my marriage and sees it as a past indiscretion?

[Trixi]

I've thought about writing a "letter home" for my thyroid patients to give to their spouses; not sure it would help, though.

OMG Ellie-
That would be so great for your patients!! I so wish my doctor would have done that. He actually ran the test twice because it was so off the charts he couldn't believe the results were correct.

I have since lost 70 pounds, have more energy, tolerate hot and cold better...When we had the crappy vacation, it was the first time I had left a cool/low humidity climate to go to flipping Florida in July. It was 70+degrees at 7am in the morning and the metal railings would be dripping with water from the humidity. It was truly awful for me. I was exhausted. I *know* it wasn't fun to be there with me- I get that. But I don't think I could have done any better.

You should write the letter- if for nothing else, but to validate the patient. If the spouse *still* doesn't get it, then that's their problem. I would so love to be able to look at a letter from my doc and say "I'm not crazy- it really WAS that bad."

[kml]

Dear Trixi -
It really was that bad.

Dr Ellie

[Trixi]

LOL-
Thanks Dr Ellie

[Dom R]

Wow... congratulations Trix... I think

you should probably modify your signature to replace the "no affair", with "2 PA flings" or something to be accurate now thou

oh well... glad things are looking up for you.
I dont think you're crazy. Just... unusually dedicated?
May it work well for you.

[Trixi]

"unusually dedicated"- is that code for "stupid"? lol

I feel like I am stuck in the Friends episode where Ross and Rachel were 'on a break' and he had sex with someone. Obviously my H thinks of himself as "single" (hence the comment about liking being single). We don't live in the same house. He was saying he wanted a divorce.....can I *really* say he "cheated"?

Sure, he did technically cheat since we are still legally married, but did he really?

And now that I am starting to "win him over", do I undo the tentative progress by getting all up in his grill over this?

And, I did get the left handed compliment that even though they were half my age and had perfect bodies, it didn't do anything for him. I am quite sure that he told me that truly as a compliment. What a dipstick.

Yeah, I better go change my signature. *sigh*

I just don't know what to think; I can go either way on this.

[Dom R]

in my view:

no, it's not worth "getting in his grill" about it, because apparently HE doesnt think it was cheating.

Sad to say, but it was clear right from the beginning, that the whole point he did the "separation" thing, was to go have sex with someone else and "see what it was like".

In some peoples' book, "separated" means "free to do anything". He seems to be one of those people.

You cant make someone feel guilt or remorse for something they think they are justified in doing. it only irritates them.
So bugging him about it now, would definately be counter-productive, in my opinion. No positives, and definately negatives.