one other thing guys i would like to bring up is she still hasent told me were she lives. i dont know how to even bring this up buts its starting to bother me a lot. if i had to send her a letter or if i got hurt on duty and she wouldnt answer her phone protocal states they would send a squad over to wake her. but o dont even know were that is!!. is it weired she hasent told me yet?
OK Marcum, your w sounds A LOT like my husband. I get the dirty car routine OFTEN. Here's what happens with me...
He tells me, "your car is a pigsty! I help pay for this car, can't you clean it out? I can't beleive you have unopened mail, and all these toys in here. This is disgusting!"
me: "I know. I'll try to keep it clean. I'll clean it out tonight."
him: "Don't TRY, just do it! "
He will ramble on and on and on. All the while, I'll be agreeing, and telling him I'll clean it.
Here's what he sees...He's told me before that he wants me to keep my car clean. I always agree...but don't keep it that way. He then thinks that by me agreeing with him, I'm just trying to shut him up...and he's right.
He's cancelled date night because of my dirty car.
It's natural to be defensive. I even think that it's MY car, yes he helps pay for it, but I drive it. I don't tell him when his car's a mess...and sometimes it is. I think it's his OCD, and therefore HIS problem. I could never tell him that though.
Most important in your situation... What did your car look like the next day? How does it look now? You told her it would be clean the next day. Did you follow through, or were you telling her that to drop the arguement. She may see this as you trying to shut her up...esp. if you don't follow through.
Makes sense? Clear as mud?
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I am the KING of the dirty car! W has stories that I won't repeat here, let's just say they involved a diaper in a car when there hadn't been a kid of that age in it for a good while!
I got a new car last June, cleaning out the previous one was a chore. I have actually kept the new one clean. I always have a plasitic grocery bag on the gear stick for trash. I make myself take everthing that I bring into the car back out, usually the same day, but always withing two or three days. I have even kept the trunk clean! It can be done, if you don't let it start. I never would have believed it myself, but I have done it!
im offf to tghe car wash today to clean my car. i think i will ask my wife out to dinner on sunday and offer to pick her up to see her face would be nice for two reason's
1 i miss her 2 to get a laugh when she faint about my clean car.
it's really odd you don't know where she lives, how you tried just plum asking her? "W, I was curious to know how far you live, and in case of emergency it might be a good idea to have an address to reach you." keep it simple and plain.
So you'll get your car clean, next week it will be your clothes, or the carpet, etc etc, your car isn't the problem, is her attitude. Someone mentioned the book "stop walking on eggshells" as a great read to people always trying to please others, give it a try.
Quote:
i told her " stop i understand it will never get this dirty again." i said it with kindness but it hurt her
I dont' even think my son would be this complacent if I scold him about something, you are not a kid, you shouldnt' have to feel you have to placate her in this way, it still blows me away she took your meek answer as an insult, jeez!
Quote:
W i lover it when you call me on things because we are trying to become stronger together.
I hope i'm reading this wrong, are you telling her that you welcome her harsh criticism?? how about "i would like you to respect me faults and all, I won't always do things the way you'd like them to be done, please respect the way *I* do things, we won't always agree on everything".
You dont' solve problems, you learn to deal to deal with them, 60% of arguments in a M dont' have a solution, you learn how to compromise. My H always use this as ammo "we dont'agree on so much, we dissagree about many things, etc etc" ummm, hello? ALL M go through this! you can't agree on everything! you learn how to "see" the others persons point of view without having to agree with it.
Stop being so afraid of loosing her, once you let go of your fear you'll find yourself, that assertive person that was there long before you met her.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
About not knowing where she lives how about this approach, "I need to let you know that I'm changing my emergency contact info at work. Since I don't know where you live now, in case I'm injured or worse, they will now be notifying my (dad, mom, brother). So, you'll hear from them if something happens to me."
She'll either say "OK" (which is the likely response), or she'll give you her address.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
