Actually, no pain killers today. Just distracted/thinking about my situation and what if any actions I should take, but that can be more dangerous for me than taking pain killers!
BBJ and Kalni, You are welcome to hijack my thread anytime. I was feeling lonely. I feel much better than I did yesterday, but I still don't know if I can wait for H to "catch up" much longer.
In my T appt. yesterday I was telling how I usually help H pack for his trips. Normally H gets very stressed by packing. I always offer to help even though it isn't a pleasant experience. I decided yesterday that I wouldn't make that offer. When I got home last night H had already started packing and I let him do it himself. I stayed clear of the bedroom so I don't know if he was stressed or not.
This morning I wasn't very warm and fuzzy. I think I just said goodbye when I left and I don't really remember if I made any mention of his trip. After I left I thought bad DBer...my T told me yesterday that even if I am done, I should not change my behavior and become a big B. That would just give H the opportunity to say "The real red is back." I decided that I would reach out so I sent a text saying "I think I forgot to tell you to have a safe trip." H called later to thank me for sending the text.
Earlier in the day I had sent him a text to give him some info about D. He sent a question in response, to which I sent an answer and told him he could call if he wanted to discuss it. H ended up calling and we talked for almost 15 min. That is a long time for us and we didn't talk about D much, but I don't really know what we talked about. Small talk I guess.
H called from the airport before leaving to talk to the Ds. Which I took as another positive.
I won't be calling or texting H while he is gone unless he initiates contact. I am hoping he realizes while he is gone what a fabulous woman he is married too, but about to loose. I know that is a big dream. Notice I said it is a hope, not an expectation. I expect nothing to change.
Opps, he just sent D a text to say he landed. Nothing for me...but I didn't expect anything.
I realize H is still confused and doesn't know WTF he wants. I also realize he may not know before I'm ready to move on for good. H better start moving soon, or he may not be able to "catch up" to me.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
I am so scared of the situation you are in. I had a T session today too. One of the things I said was "I know in my heart that eventually he will decide this was a bad decision, but how long do I wait for him to come to that realization?" She had no good answers for me. I am so afraid that he is going to push me so far away that I will just be done, and THEN he'll decide that he wants a R....when it is too late. I think that is a fine line, but I am still not ready to throw in the towel. I am DBing my little heart out. I hope you do the same. I like to think that I love him enough that there will be no "too late".
Edge, At this point I don't know if H hasn't made up his mind and is confused still....or is he trying to get me to start legal action.
I was feeling that way for the first week or so. I don't think he wants to be the bad guy. I made it perfectly clear early on that I would NOT be the one to file. I wasn't the one that wanted a D, and I would not do it for him. If this is what he wants he needs to be the one to file.
Nothing really new or exciting to report. H has been out of town for a few days so it was a pretty quiet and uneventful weekend. I did make a couple of major purchases for the Ds. The first one was so out of character for me that I think it surprised H. D10 told him about it and when he got on the phone he said "that was nice," in a kind of shocked tone. Think that counts as a 180. Some of the purchases had to be assembled and I did that myself instead of waiting for H. Another 180 that I have been working on since the bomb.
When I answered one of H's calls he said I sounded POed our winded. I wasn't either so I tried to explain why that might be. I thought it was interesting that he even noticed and pointed it out. H had made a couple of comments during one conversation about something he needed to do. The third time I said "I'll stop wasting your time and let you go." I didn't really mean it, but it slipped out. H replied don't do that. SO I don't know if he meant I wasn't wasting his time or just not to point it out. Neither really matters. Don't know if he is finally starting to care or what.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Nothing really new or exciting to report. H has been out of town for a few days so it was a pretty quiet and uneventful weekend. I did make a couple of major purchases for the Ds. The first one was so out of character for me that I think it surprised H. D10 told him about it and when he got on the phone he said "that was nice," in a kind of shocked tone. Think that counts as a 180. Some of the purchases had to be assembled and I did that myself instead of waiting for H. Another 180 that I have been working on since the bomb.
When I answered one of H's calls he said I sounded POed our winded. I wasn't either so I tried to explain why that might be. I thought it was interesting that he even noticed and pointed it out. H had made a couple of comments during one conversation about something he needed to do. The third time I said "I'll stop wasting your time and let you go." I didn't really mean it, but it slipped out. H replied don't do that. SO I don't know if he meant I wasn't wasting his time or just not to point it out. Neither really matters. Don't know if he is finally starting to care or what.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
This boat is getting way too big. I find it interesting that many of us (you, K and I for sure) are running out of that patience thing. I tried to buy more at the store but it didn't come in the extra strength variety that I need......
Just my way of saying I feel what you feel. I fluctuate between thinking H wants me to make the leap (end it totally) for him, and thinking he wants me to push him to come back to us. I can't do either, he is a big boy. And as you know so is your husband.
Glad you did some things for the D's this weekend, hope you are doing things for you, too. Thinking of you!! Oh, and if you said it I missed it. Is he still staying at the house? I would assume so.........did he ever openly say anything to your comment that he could stay as long as it was b/c he was interested in working on things vs. having a place to sleep?
BBJ, No H didn't say anything about my comment that he could stay as long as he is willing to work on things. He actually was there one more night and then left town on business. I will only see him one night this week then I'm taking D10 out of town for the weekend. H will be staying at the house with our other D. I don't expect him to go anywhere Sunday night. If I don't pack his things up for him and put them on the step, he will stay for ever. Just the way he is.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
