Serial EA/PA WAW/MLC

[karen43]

And the bomb for the day, W finally admitted to me that she has found someone else and that it has gotten serious enough that she thinks it is going to be long term -> permanent relationship. I already knew she had been dating (she didn't say anything about that) and that she had been seeing someone for a while, she just didn't want to say anything until it became a relationship. Doesn't soften the blow much though, will take me a few hours to recover from this I think.

So sorry about the bad news! That was the hardest period for me when H told me he was in love with another woman and couldn't break up with her. I don't know about getting over that in a few hours though, I am still trying to recover from that and that was in December!!! My thoughts are with you! Karen

[BradNL]

Karen,

I already knew my W had an OM (and was dating constantly before that), this was just the first time she admitted it to me. I fell apart when W dropped the whole IDNLY and "we should get divorced" bomb back last year, been improving my ability to handle the hits since then.

And on to what happened on the weekend...

W, once again, went off to spend the weekend with her OM. On friday while having dinner W asked the kids if they wanted her to come back on Saturday or Sunday after lunch, S8 immediately said Sunday! *8P He knows that if W is around he doesn't get to play games or watch TV much. Must have been a bit of a disappointment for W to hear that reply so quickly though. In S8's defence he just loves to have W read to him before bed, just like I read for S5 (used to be for both, but S8 has been able to read since he was 4, so usually read for himself).

Anyway, we had a quiet weekend, did go to the local farm and had a relaxing walk around, looking at the animals and chatting. I could have taken the kids to the gym for their Combat Kids and Judo lessons, but it was sunny outside... Side note: W wants to give up her gym membership for one closer to her work, guess the kids aren't going to keep going either then, since both parents have to be members for them to have free membership and its expensive otherwise.

Other than our grocery run and the farm visit we stayed in, watched tv, played games, generally had a good time. W came back sunday after lunch and managed to squeeze in a whole weekends worth of moaning in the half day... even with taking the kids to the pool for most of the afternoon! Weird complaints like I didn't buy more yoghurt for her, so she'd have nothing to eat (her protein diet etc). I guess its impossible for people to go to the shop during the week...

Have S8's visa interview on thursday, hope it gets approved... and S5's passport needs renewing, W didn't notice that Sept 07 != Sept 08, thought it was still valid. Drama all the way baby! Hope both work out, planning to visit my sister in Union, SC for just over 3 weeks at the end of April. Don't ask me how we are supposed to afford it, even with W's new job.

And the new drama for today? W's friend that had an apartment for her for 6 months now says there might be a problem... and W IM's me ASAP to tell me "we" have a problem! We? She wants to move out, and "we" have a problem because she can't find a cheap place to go? Bet the "I need full custody" and "I should stay in the apartment" arguments come out of the closet again, along with the "you can't cope with the kids".

Decided to stop taking my AD meds last week, been suffering with headaches ever since, but I think that can be largely attributed to the out-of-whack sleep patterns and spring pollen for now. I guess I'll know in a week or two if the AD meds were the thing keeping me calm or my own semi-zen attitude.

Birthday on saturday, doesn't look like W has bought me anything, certainly hasn't taken the kids to get me anything either. Guess I'll have to shop for my own present again, aah, the joy of being a virtual single person, not.

I'm sure there is more that I was going to write, but I can't think of it right now.

Brad

[BradNL]

Yay, never a dull day...

Since W's new housing idea has apparently fallen through she thinks that we should do a 3-days-a-week rotation plan. This is the one where we take turns living in our apartment with the kids and live elsewhere for the other days... Ok, I can see how this is good for the kids, being in one place, not having to be ferried back and forth. There is the big BUT though... I would have to pay to share a place with someone else, W would probably live rent free with OM. W says we can share the costs of the shared living, ok, but that still leaves me paying for 1.5 or so places and her for 0.5...

And this delivered after a "I'll be at home until the kids are in bed, then I'll be back to take them to school tomorrow morning, I hope"! WTF! You want to spend the night with OM and then tell me how its best for me to pay more to live in two places because your idea for cheap living fell through?

I can just see this turning nasty with her completely wacko ideas escalating.

[BradNL]

Encore, encore!

I am being unreasonable telling W that its a complicated scheme which won't provide the kids any more stability than any other custody sharing agreement... And W's life is so complicated having to work so that I don't have to pay large amounts of alimoney and child support!? Double WTF? Lucky for me that the system here works on your achievable income and not current income, so the fact that W has a decent job right now will work against that last statement of hers.

And its great to see W's true nature pop up again, the vicious self-serving person who isn't interested in anything but her own agenda. This is the person that has trampled a path through our married life over and over whenever things didn't go her way, telling me that I'm controlling and passive aggressive if I don't immediately agree to everything. I am far too tired of letting W do whatever she wants, specially if its going to impact myself and the kids in a negative way just to make her situation easier!

I don't for a minute believe that she has been leaving the kids alone with me so I had time with them, she left them with me because she wanted to go out, party and spend time with her OM, nothing to do with us at all, its all HER. Very annoyed at how petty she is being again, happening more often now that her options are shrinking, rats from a sinking ship mentality sets in etc.

If she has so much of a problem being around me then she should leave, if she cares for the kids so much and wants to spend time with them she should maybe work at spending time with them rather than the OM every chance she gets. I can't believe how she can say how she wants to spend time with them, wants me to have time with them and then is off to spend the night with OM, something that is purely for her own self.

Last night she complained that she was feeling tired and ill, I gave her some flu meds and she said she would finish some things up and then go to bed... 12:30 she was still awake, woke up early and called to cancel her gym appointment, something she also doesn't have enough time for anymore. I've been having trouble sleeping again so I had a good excuse to be up, but she was going to bed early because she had a long day today and didn't. I think you might be able to see some kind of trend here, W is spinning herself out of control and now its my fault that life is too hectic, having to choose to spend her limited time with OM rather than her children.

And a side note about W, her brother has a new girlfriend, W sees pics of her and immediately starts going on about how fat she is! Who cares if she is big/fat if her brother loves her its his choice, and obviously it isn't a problem for him since he is going out with her? But no, W had to make comments to her mom about it too, and got a right talking to about how its not her place to criticise her brother's girlfriend. I think W is looking to take a swipe at someone after having battled (and pretty much won, lost over 70lbs, well done W!) to get weight under control and get back into shape.

Nature of the beast, alien infestation, chaos incarnate...

It is becoming more and more obvious that W's motives are purely self serving, like this trip for myself and the boys to visit my sister in the USA. Ok, it is a great opportunity to let the kids spend some time with their cousins who they never see, but its 3+ weeks of alone time for W and her OM. W can't stand being away from the children but we'll be gone for most of a month and its all ok.

Guess I'm waiting for the end of May (bonus time!) so we can pay for the mediator/lawyer/etc and get this thing rolling because she is not able to discuss anything without launching into personal attacks and recriminations.

Wonder if I can get some decent headphones for my birthday, I bought myself some last year (which recently broke and have almost doubled in price now). Will no doubt get another yelling at because I bought a game today for the kids, Mr Driller: Drill Spirits for the DS. Will keep it under wraps until a good time I think, not really any time during the week for them to play since its 6pm pickup from daycare and in bed by 8pm... dinner, bathing, story and *blink* its all gone again. And this is the "alone time" that W is claiming to miss? I think realistically the kids should stay with me (yes, I have to work out some way of getting them to/from school etc, can't manage both easily) during the week and with W on alternating weekends, she can pay child support. That might sound very controlling/passive aggressive, but I'm at home every night (except when I have arranged to visit a friend or go to a movie etc, and that isn't often, usally on a weekend day too) and W is not, and isn't likely to be with OM in the picture.

W is also expected to travel for her job, can't see how she is going to manage to take care of the kids 3+ days a week if she is supposed to be a flexible PA for a big shot in a big company... Yesterday she called just after 4pm to ask if I could pick the kids up from the sitter, called again at 6:30pm to say she was almost ready to go, again at 7:15pm to say she just got on the bus... I had already made and almost finished eating dinner with the kids by the time she actually got home. If that is an example of W's working life then there is no contest here, I have a 9-5 job, she is expected to work early/late/weekends/travel...

Ok, 5 million word rant over, I think I've done my cathartic exercise for now, hope when I get home the whole thing doesn't go into round 3-15...

[Hope4us]

You're not alone Brad. A while back my WW and I were discussing separating and I told her it just killed me that I wouldn't be a full time dad, even if our son lived with me because he would go everyother weekend to be with her. You should have seen WW's eyes light up. WW said, he can spend every weekend with you if he wants. Yep, spend every weekend with me so she can have all her weekends free to F OM.

And waywards see nothing wrong in this. Keep up the good fight. You're the better person here. Your kids need your stability. If I were you I would start documenting all the times she's supposed to pick them up and doesn't. All the times she's late. All the times she's supposed to spend time with them and doesn't. You can use that in court to show how you're the stable one and the kids NEED stability.

[BeingMe]

Stand your ground, protect your kids, and yourself. Do not give in to her unreasonable demands, and do not allow her to get insulting with you ... if she does, just tell her you will not interact with her when she is attacking you, and when she can talk respectfully, and calmly then she knows where to find you. Make boundaries, and keep them. Make sure you are calm when discussing any separation issues, or dividing time with kids, and assets issues.

Know that this will pass. She will either go through with the D, and then realise that the grass is not greener on the other side (but, will stubbornly not admit it), or she will wake up and want to work on the M. You must not hope for either, or even try and control it one way or the other. You must work on you, and getting back to who you were before you met your W (only wiser), while being the best dad you can be. Well, that's my tickies worth, anyway.

Thinking of ya! Take care.

[BradNL]

Hope4Us,

Yep, they live in a weird world... My W keeps telling me how unfair it is that I get the kids so much, but is leaving as soon as I get home to stay overnight with her OM... Apparently she finds it too difficult to be in the same place as me, while I don't have that problem... guess the guilt hurts more than I can see.

BeingMe,

Argh. W has a tactic of ambushing me with her latest and greatest plans and expecting me to respond immediately. Since her cheap apartment deal died she is back to wanting custody and/or our apartment... I can appreciate her generosity(?) of not wanting to push for alimoney or high child support by working, but threatening me with lawyers is not making anything better.

As for the grass is greener, no, she is unlikely to realise that it isn't so, and definitely wouldn't admit it if she did. W has her OM and her new life all planned out now. Which means she has no plans at all of working on anything but her new life. I think W gave up on our marriage too long ago and has been finding any and all ways to get away since then.

And I am not working to get her back, I'm working on keeping my kids safe, she is way too far gone to care about my changes and I'll admit I've been backsliding on that part for a while. Stopped taking my AD meds, after the headaches and still trying to get my sleep pattern back again I think I'm settling down again. Haven't gone back to being wide-eye awake with head racing all night, haven't had massive panic attacks, so I'm doing ok for now.

On the Brad-is-doing-it-for-himself side I bought myself some games for my PSP, a pair of new (not that nice, but not too expensive) noise-cancelling headphones since my nice ones got broken and a gaming pair of headphones. W always complained about my obsession with headphones... heheh, I loved my old noise-cancelling ones... doubled in price since last year!!! Maybe when I'm in the USA I'll look for a good deal on some decent noise-cancelling headphones, Dollar->Euro exchange rate is very good for me *8)

And on a good note, for me & the kids, W is coming with us to my birthday lunch at a nice restaurant tomorrow, will be good as one of our final we're still a family events. Not looking forward to S5's birthday in August, or indeed Xmas, will be hard this year.

Tonight the kids & I continue watching Superman! Yeah! We watched the first hour last night before it was their bed time, they didn't seem that interested until Superman flew off from the Fortress of Solitude in his trademark red and blue suit *8) One of the things we've been doing together lately is watching Smallville, so getting to watch the real Superman is great for them. I watched it when I was but a wee boy with my mom in the cinema (yeah, I'm that old, hehe) *8)

Tomorrow should be a good day, I'm looking forward to it. How about you?

Brad

[karen43]

Sounds to me like you are getting stronger & healthier in your latest post. Your W sounds like she may be pushy and not very realistic from what you describe? I hope you can stand strong and not let her talk you into anything you will later regret!!!

I do think my H (and maybe your W) will eventually realize they are making mistakes in what they are doing, but my H will definitely be too stubborn to ever admit that! I hope your W will not be that way!!!

You mention ADs. Are you using Prozac? I just saw a psych yesterday (to make sure I am on the right dosage) and he told me that Prozac was good for panic disorder & phobias (I have the latter) and I guess that is why I have been able to overcome them lately as the Prozac is helping!!! He said if I go off it, my phobias might return so I guess I might have to take it forever which is a bummer (although he said we will lower it to a really low dose at least), but I guess worth it!

Congrats on buying the games & all! I think that is a good idea. Before our separation I never spent any money on myself, just H and the kids, and I have just bought some clothes (I had lost a bunch of weight so really had to do that!) and some makeup and stuff and I think that was def. good for me, boosting my self esteem and PMA! Karen

[BradNL]

Karen,

W has always been a pushy person, that allowed me to let her do all the decisions and run our lives... but now she still wants to while she abandons our life! I think your H will realize it, he is going from a real and caring person to, what I imagine is, an unstable person who is also incapable of sustaining a real marriage...

Read an article about a woman who divorced her husband 18 years previously, found out she was dying, contacted him and he immediately came to her, no mention of their vicious divorce etc. She said it made her regret not reaching out all those years... So, no matter what is said and done now, some day everyone looks back and realizes that things were never as bad as they seemed...

No, I was on Luvox, panic attacks, phobias and OCD *8O I stayed on the lowest dose and it seemed to get me over the trauma of the death of my marriage (up to present, more to come with the divorce) but now I want to know if its me or not. Yeah, I know its better to be less jumpy and obsessive but that is part of who I am, I used to be that person, less jumpy, more obsessive, less phobias and more outgoing... have to find a balance of those some day.

And the games, I have an excuse! I have two boys who love games (my bad influence from an early age I admit) so I can treat them at the same time as myself! Used my new headset today, really great to be able to use voice comms!

Yes, new clothes, new look, get your hair cut in a new style, something just to be different, so that people stop and notice for a change *8) Is it wrong for me to be looking forward to visiting my sister in SC because she has a hot friend (who sadly is in the process of getting divorced by her WAH, two teenage kids) who I'd like to see again?? Going to have to ponder that answer myself. Not that anything could or would happen, she is a kind, beautiful, helpful & church going lady, can't see how anyone could just up and say "I want a divorce" no warning to her.

I'm looking forward to the boys waking up, they are going to storm my room and bounce on my bed in a few hours so they can give me my presents *8) The storming of the room is becoming a fairly routine weekend activity, along with me cooking them a bacon, scrambled eggs and toast breakfast *8) Will catch up with your thread again tomorrow, but its getting close to 2am and I need to sleep so I'm not grumpy later!

Hope you have a great weekend!

Brad

[BradNL]

Guess I fell off the planet for a while.

Let me summarise... OK, I was doing better with dealing with my divorce situation, but work was getting worse. A project I was working on was going seriously wrong and the company providing the support wasn't solving the issues. Management got pissed off with how it was impacting the business...

At that point I had a planned holiday with the boys in the USA, visiting my sister in Union, SC. Just over 3 weeks of peace and quiet(?), much fun had by all despite the hectic days of my nieces dance rehearsals, softball practice and matches with a few birthday parties, school trips etc thrown in for good measure.

I had left handover information with my manager to make sure everything could continue while I was gone. Got back on Sunday May 18th, rested for the day and went to work as usual the next day... To be called while I was on my way there to come to a meeting.

And what a wonderful meeting that was, got to meet my new manager who had been hired while I was on leave, got asked how my holiday was. Then came the letter of suspension, I was being investigated for my performance on the project and in general. Escorted out the building, told not to come to the office, not to contact any of my co-workers, had to hand in my laptop etc.

Two weeks later and I get told the investigation has proved I was responsible for the project's failure, with a list of fabrications and half-truths given as their proof. They gave me the choice of resign or take a much lesser job for much lower pay, not very nice at all.

All through their negotiations they have been aggressive and taking advantage of the fact that I'm still not mentally strong. I've started looking seriously for a new job, told them that I'm willing to resign with a reasonable notice period. I don't have enough fight left in me to deal with both the divorce and this.

Hoping now that my (former) employer accepts my offer and doesn't keep pushing their aggressive agenda. If I had the money I'd spend time fighting against this, the whole thing stinks and they know it. But I don't have the money and I'm mentally worn out again, not the best position to be in while preparing to get divorced and trying to find a new job...

Oh, and W took the time to (finally) tell me that she has been seeing someone else for some time now. Not a big surprise to me, but it still hurts. Also while the kids & I were on holiday W was in a big car accident, car written off but luckily W has only suffered whiplash and no other trauma. Just started her new job and she has had to be off work, made her very upset, even more so when the doctors told her it also involved not being allowed to exercise.

So, project went badly, went on holiday, W had accident while we had a good time in USA in the sunny weather, got suspended, got (pretty much) fired, and yesterday W's loan car got broken into, GPS etc stolen. Yep, its fun times!

Ok, so that was the bad part. Good part? I have a meeting tomorrow with a consulting company, and my CV has gone forward to a different company as well. Hopefully I'll come out of this whole mess with a new, better job, something that doesn't make me dread going to work every day. Also good, my two friends at work have proven to be really good friends. They have kept in contact despite the warnings, visited, helped by keeping me sane and feeding me information on what is happening at work. One has been crusading on my behalf, questioning their lack of proper procedure and rallying support for me, he is also going to look for a new job, says he can't work for a company that would do this to someone.

My posts never seem to be short! Granted this time I had a two month gap to fill in. What else did we do while we were on holiday? We visited Gamestop for their buy 1 get 1 free on used games deal... what a horrific thing to do to my bank balance! Instead of saving me money it just meant I bought twice as many games *8O The kids now have a fairly decent selection of games for the DS Lites, I have a new crimson & black DS as well as a shiny new silver PSP Slim & Lite. Using hindsight I probably shouldn't have spent that money, but the Euro to Dollar exchange just made it worthwhile (it was around 1.5 USD to the Euro, and the same sticker price, so 33% off everything).

Hope I get back to posting here more frequently again, was a great help to me when I was in my dark place before.

Brad