CRS, what most people do not understand about A's is that the beauty of the OP is not the issue. MY OM was not that much to look at either....he wasn't ugly, but just common I'd say. But it wasn't his looks that I was attracted to. From what I have read on the subject, most men have A's with women who are not as pretty as their own W's are. But, it is not about looks, it is about needs. Whatever that OW was giving you that you were not receiving from you wife is what drove you to her the first time and probably again the second time. Either that or it was just the sinful thrill of it all.
I think of the LBS, it is not just the personal hurt b/c they were so in love with you, but it is that they feel they were made a fool of. A woman feels scorned and a man's ego is crushed. Both have a lot on their plate to have to overcome. Maybe you told this and I have forgotten, but has she said how long she plans to keep this "affair" going? Is she waiting until she thinks you have been punished enough or is she waiting to see what you do.....just what is her plan in all of this b/c I don't buy into her loving that OM for a minute! She may try real hard to convince herself that she does, but she doesn't. Listen, I tried as hard as anyone I know to give myself every reason to leave my H and how much better off I would be with the OM....and yes, I think I had a pretty good crush on him, but I know that I wasn't in love with him the way I was my H.
So, why is she so "open" and throwing this all in your face about her being so obvious when she leaves with make-up on and a bag, saying she is going to work out and run? She is wanting you to think she is going to meet with OM.......that is for certain. She knows you are smart enough to figure out what's going on. If she didn't want you to know, she would wait until after she left to doll up to meet with him. So, she wants you to know...badly. So, I think she is still in the "Payback" mode, for sure. However, when you don't feel that you can take anymore of that crap, then I think it is time to have a heart to heart with her and tell her that you have everything you have essentialy told us here on the board. If you have a hard time talking....write her a letter. You write great!
I know that when we are DBing that we go by the book, which is the best that I've read. But, your stitch is just a little different (I think) and I believe that if it gets to a certain point that she is making you feel less than a man, then it is time to certainly use the LRT and be prepared to stick to your guns b/c by then, she will be showing that she no longer respects you. You see, right now, she is still mad as hell at you, but when it gets to the point she is using you like a door mat and has made you feel like you've lost all your manhood, then it is time to step up. You can do just so much and I feel that you are doing all any person could do under these circumstances. You ask for forgiveness, you go straight and honest nad show her every move you make every hour of the day....I mean what more can you do? You have tried to be understanding in her A with old boyfriend.....my gosh, how much more does she want. I know, a pound of flesh for evey hour you made her cry. Women can be mean and nasty, in case you didn't know that. Sometime, they get so caught up in the "payback" that they go too far.....I'm just saying don't let that happen before you put your foot down and say, "That is enough".
No, a fight is not good, but don't coward down to her either if she tries to use guilt, shame, embarrasement, or any of those things on you. If she starts up with it, tell her you have apologized for your mistakes and you can just say you are sorry so many times! There comes a point and time that she has to learn to forgive. Refuse to fight with her about it and walk away. Drive around or walk, run, go work out, hit the boxing bag...whatever, until you cool off.
I really hope you have a good counselor that will help you figure out some of your personal problems. There may be something there that you have never dealth with that he/she can find out and help you with it. Be sure you have a good one. If you don't feel that he/she is.....go find another one. I have been burned by some bad ones. Tell him/her that you not only want to find out what your hidden problems may be, but you want solutions to them. Why know what they are if you don't know what to do about them, right? That is the problem with a lot of so-called marriage counselors....they just tell so many couples they would be happier with somebody new and off they go to get a divorce, instead of the counselor trying to help them find a solution to make the M work.
Take care and keep in touch.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
