women fall in love and get married, they want their H's to see them as anything but something that would resemble a errrr.....how shall I say this.....a wanton woman.
Sandi you're spot on with you assessment, according to W b/f (she been calling me even more now W told her details ) the two of them were party girls in their younger days but W kept it hidden from her family and she re invented herself as a prim and proper lady when she met me. Now that she's hit that sexual peak that ladies get to she can't keep a lid on it anymore she's explored it with OM and has now unleashed it on me. So I just have to take it, not think too much and enjoy.
FG,
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
Kind of like I kept telling him. She will come to you. Look what she did. I am telling you now. This other stuff will come to you too. You just gotta ride it out. Keep showing her what she is liking. She will get to the point she will just want to tell you everything. By that point if you keep this up you won't really care why. Cause in the scheme of things it does not mean anything.
You know me and you know I listen well, so I'll take your advice and follow it through.
But don't leave me yet cos you're work is not done yet. (I hope that didn't sound too girly)
Hi Lanzo! I've seen so many good posts from you over on Steve's thread, I decided to come check out yours. Just finished reading over the last few weeks of Life With Lanzo, and wanted to give my two cents.
Congratulations - you really ARE getting there. Don't lose sight of that! I remember when I was in your shoes, with W making her frequently-tentative steps back towards me and the M. It can be tough, I know - part of you wants Big Hollywood Moments, and mostly you get Baby Steps instead....
Here are a few observations that came to me as I read over your sitch.
First, I want you to remember something. In many ways, your W is still REALLY, REALLY SCARED. She had made up her mind that her M was over - and believe me, she was not a happy person when she did that. Now, she sees hope for the two of you - do you understand how difficult it is for her to throw her heart and body and soul back into that relationship after having "failed" once? I think it actually takes a lot of guts for the WAS to come back, maybe more than for the LBS to recommit - because we never gave up like they did. Add a hearty helping of guilt on top of that - do you see how "putting herself out there again" would be just terrifying? So, when she is tentative, and insecure (I'm thinking back to the big party with your family), take it easy on her - let her come back at her own pace.
Second, I want to give a different perspective on how your W was acting recently. For example, when she bought you shirts - well, I'm afraid Forrest got it all wrong.
Originally Posted By: Lanzo
W was then on at me to buy a new shirt, and not just any shirt but something from the upmarket shops. She wants me (in her words) to take pride in my appearance,
There was nothing "gay" about that - that was a woman buying a shirt for her man that she felt made him look sexy. That's not gay, that is HOT.
Originally Posted By: Lanzo
The funny thing though, is I am going for a night out next week with the new friends I made while on my GAL mission and when I told W where I was going and who I was going with, she go really excited and asked if she could join us. I'm not sure if she wants to keep an eye on me (cos they will be lots of gals at this club) or she just wants to enjoy time with the new outgoing me. But I'm fine about it we're going out as a couple and meeting up with the gang.
Also, when she wanted to go out with you and your new GAL friends - to me, you couldn't get a stronger validation that you were doing the right things. As a matter of fact, your W, who had been failing to make herself happy in her sitch, saw you GALing and succeeding at making yourself happy. And she was envious that you "got it right" - she wanted you to invite her along for the good stuff and leave the bad stuff behind.
Third, please, PLEASE try to stop looking at so much of your sitch through the perspective of how the OM figured into it. As the most obvious example - your W may be growing sexually, but that does NOT mean that OM was the cause. IMHO, that kind of awakening doesn't come from being with someone different - it is more about your W herself than about who is in bed with her. Give your W credit for growing, and enjoy it - celebrate it with her! And do that without bringing that OM bum along for the ride. (Do you know The Icky Band Aid Analogy? Well, that nasty old thing has dried up, peeled off, and fallen into the dirt - leave it there and move on!)
Keep up the great work, and remember to be kind and supportive - to both your W and to yourself!
Rob
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Truth be told, I have NFC how to reach out to you.
Gimme some time.
Or, show me the way.
Maybe... We should start a new thread. You give your account of me. I will follow suit. If you tell me where it will be.. I will back you up. People would love for someone to attack me. I am fair game. I posted. I have my vote.
I want you to understand, I have no issue with this. I will back you up. Something will come out of it. Some people just need to "air" it all out.
You tell me how you feel.
I want you to understand I have no issue with you. None.
I just feel we have some kind of road block.
It's not a challenge.
It would be open. Everyone could comment.
It would be 2 people that are Worlds apart.. trying to make the other person "see".
I am fine with whatever you want to do.
Lan likes you. I will respect that.
I like you. You have some good input.
Its up to you. I thew something out. Feel free to modify it any way you see fit. Or come up with something different.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Hey Forrest, Way back you predicted some "crazy" for Lan when his W let's him go South of the border. Maybe you were right? At any rate I had NFC what you meant at that time.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
"First, I want you to remember something. In many ways, your W is still REALLY, REALLY SCARED. She had made up her mind that her M was over - and believe me, she was not a happy person when she did that. Now, she sees hope for the two of you - do you understand how difficult it is for her to throw her heart and body and soul back into that relationship after having "failed" once? I think it actually takes a lot of guts for the WAS to come back, maybe more than for the LBS to recommit - because we never gave up like they did. Add a hearty helping of guilt on top of that - do you see how "putting herself out there again" would be just terrifying? So, when she is tentative, and insecure (I'm thinking back to the big party with your family), take it easy on her - let her come back at her own pace."
Here.. you got it right. Very good take on the situation. I really liked it. You said some things that I think will help Lan understand better what she was feeling. I hope he is beyond this.
"For example, when she bought you shirts - well, I'm afraid Forrest got it all wrong."
Well, I am afraid you got that all wrong. I am fairly sure I made it clear that that was a good thing. I was ribbing him a bit. Now.. I do forget sometimes. But I thought he got it.
"As a matter of fact, your W, who had been failing to make herself happy in her sitch, saw you GALing and succeeding at making yourself happy. And she was envious that you "got it right"
Actually.. His wife was happy with giving it all up. She sent him away. He folded and went "away". He did not have a life. He came here posting all "Crazy". She was not envious. She just had NFC how he could do it. How can he be happy? What she was missing was it was all smoke and mirrors. He wanted to be with her. Thats it.
"she wanted you to invite her along for the good stuff and leave the bad stuff behind."
You nailed that on the head. Dead on.
"Third, please, PLEASE try to stop looking at so much of your sitch through the perspective of how the OM figured into it."
I have told him.. many times... Stop asking WHY. Thank you for confirming that.
"IMHO, that kind of awakening doesn't come from being with someone different - it is more about your W herself than about who is in bed with her."
You got the awakening part wrong. Again.. you missed I said it was always there. He actually had confirmation from wifes B/F. Now that sucks and is also good news. Lan needs a "freaky" girl. I have to imagine she was in the beginning. Somewhere along the line she thought he was looking for something different. Imagine that.
"Give your W credit for growing, and enjoy it - celebrate it with her! And do that without bringing that OM bum along for the ride."
You got that about 50% right.
His wife did not grow here. She already had it. She found something she really wanted. She applied her sub-par tools and came up with "That"s not what he wants!" That was not all he wanted but it was a big part. He wanted all "that" and some.
Lan was good enough once. She threw the other guy away as soon as Lan showed himself. It is that simple.
Lan has a big heart. She would be a fool to walk away when he is on. He has my stamp of approval for Advanced DAM.
Simple fact is.. He came here. He got something from it. He used the tools that other people were showing him. He still has a long walk. There is going to be some "Drama". I gotta say I think he will make it.
Do Work.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
