I think when they move out, and tell you about a relationship, and what they are doing, then you don't have as much distrust. For example, if you reconcile and the whole thing was hidden, or they lied to you, you'd be more likely to look for signs if a spouse is hiding something, or lying. It's a larger distrust issue. But if they move out before things heat up, and tell you what they are doing.... then, if you reconcile, you are less likely to worry about them lying or hiding things.
I think the pain and sense of betrayal are about the same. Personally, I find the lying worse. When my husband's affair started he chalked it up to "not wanting to be married to me." I found that more frustrating and painful then having him admit to it. At least once I knew about the affair I didn't feel like it was all about me. I knew there was other influences. Although the affair was extremely painful. It's a different pain. Worse in some ways....
But I like knowing truth.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
