My first post - Dday#2 and separating

[stillbreathing]

journaling:

Last night I had a dream where my middle son fell off a cliff. H tried to catch him but he couldn't and i watched my baby drop into a deep ravine. I thought he was certainly dead, but H went to get him and although he was hurt he was alive. I tried to get him to the hospital but everything I did was wrong. I tried to take a bike instead of a car. I went to the hospital thats 10 miles away instead of the one right up the street, I went in the wrong door, etc. Anyway, I woke up with tears.



This morning H came into my room and asked to talk for a minute. I said ok. He said he changed his mind and doesn't want to use the schedule because it would "ruin his life". He was ready for a battle and had no intention to giving in. I asked him if would be easier if we sat down to make a different schedule each week and he said yes. I think I diffused that one for now.

He then went on "I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it and its none of my business but for the kids, I am worried about how you are handling this all. You sit in your room alone, you go out to bars and just leave when you don't have to take care of the kids..." I looked at him quizzically and asked "What makes you think I'm going out to bars?" (I'm not). He got ruffled and said "I don't know! I don't know what the hell else you could be doing!". I said I'm fine. He doesn't need to worry about me. I'm giving us space and taking care of myself. He said "fine. whatever." and left the room.

He went into the music room and BLARED through the house a song he wrote after dday#1. The chorus goes "But the heart that I'm breaking is the one that will save me, and the truth keeps on giving itself away". A few moments later when we passed in the kitchen he said "I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I wasn't playing that song to you. I'm just trying to get the levels right on the recording." A shrugged and said ok.

I was pleasant to him the rest of the morning and we chatted about a minor things. His friend came to pick him up, they are playing a show in another state and he won't be back until tomorrow. I told him to have a good time and he told me to have a good night. I smiled and said I am sure I will.

I feel stronger today.