Affair is over and WW is responding

[Hope4us]

You're spot on Puppy with what I'm planning, except I'm not going to give her a chance to spin it to the kids before I tell them. I'm not going to reply to the email and not say a word to her tonight.

I'm going to take DS15 and go see DS19 tomorrow. I'm going to tell them what's going on and that I can't take her disrespect any longer. That I've been trying to work saving the marriage for over 7 months now and their mom refuses to quit her affair and refuses to try to work on our marriage and expects ME to move out of the house while she stays in it with DS15 and lets me pay for her to live in our nice big house and continue to support the life style she's become accustomed to while she continues her affair with OM. I'm then going to tell DS15 that he can choose to live with whoever he chooses to live with.

And I like your last line. I think I'll use it when we get home tomorrow afternoon. Maybe, "You're the one having an affair, Do you really think you're the one calling the shots here?"

[karen43]

Well, She upped the anty. She sent me an email that said "I'm all for separating, but me and DS15 are not leaving the house. What are your plans?"

How do I respond to that?

"Wife, my plans are to remain in my marital house with my children and work on my marriage, if you'll let me. If you don't want to, I can't force you to, but I'm certainly not leaving, nor will I tolerate your disrespectful behavior by carrying on affair in front of me and the kids. So I suggest you find a place to stay for awhile."

I really like that and I would probably copy & paste that one for her!!! I agree with everything you said Puppy!!! Karen

[karen43]

You're spot on Puppy with what I'm planning, except I'm not going to give her a chance to spin it to the kids before I tell them. I'm not going to reply to the email and not say a word to her tonight.

I'm going to take DS15 and go see DS19 tomorrow. I'm going to tell them what's going on and that I can't take her disrespect any longer. That I've been trying to work saving the marriage for over 7 months now and their mom refuses to quit her affair and refuses to try to work on our marriage and expects ME to move out of the house while she stays in it with DS15 and lets me pay for her to live in our nice big house and continue to support the life style she's become accustomed to while she continues her affair with OM. I'm then going to tell DS15 that he can choose to live with whoever he chooses to live with.

Sounds like a good idea to talk to the kids first before any spin as you suggest. I like the idea of you having your S15 choose who to live with, but wouldn't a 3rd possibility being that he could live with both of you, maybe one on the weekend or something? I know a lot of couples do that although I do have the kids currently and H just visits. I am thinking S15 may not want to have to choose between his parents, both of you which he probably loves. Karen

[Hope4us]

I think DS15 is going to need stability in his life and IMHO, that stability is in the family home. I don't have a problem with him seeing her anytime he wants.

We'll just have to see what he thinks when I tell them the truth about what's going on. I'm really looking forward to the look on her face when we get home tomorrow and DS15 says "you're having an affair and don't want to work on the marriage and want Dad to leave the house?" Let me strike that. I'm not looking forward to any of this, but she's really become the most selfish, self absorbed person I think I've ever known.

I really didn't want it to come to this. But there is no way I'm moving out and going to pay her alimony and child support so she can continue the life style she's accustomed to while continuing her affair. She thinks she's going to keep living in her nice house etc, continue her affair and when DS15 has graduated from HS continue on with her "perfect" life.

I'm calling a lawyer right now.

Edited to add: And my brother thinks her response sounds like a lawyer told her what to say.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Edited to add: And my brother thinks her response sounds like a lawyer told her what to say.

I agree. Any family law attorney worth their salt would tell their client -- husband OR wife -- NOT to leave the marital residence, and CERTAINLY not to leave the kids. If she were to do that, you could probably get her for "abandonment."

Do her parents know?

[Hope4us]

Her dad passed away quite a few years ago (they weren't close). She is very close to her mom, but I haven't said anything to her yet.

MIL really likes me because I'm the only stable person any of her kids have married. I'm still trying to decide whether or not to tell her.

I'm sure an attny told her not to leave the home or her kids. So, we'll see how she reacts when her kids KNOW what she's doing.

I just TM'd with OMW. OM is claiming WW and GF's TM's were twisted and they weren't planning on getting together last weekend. I asked her how a TM from GF to WW that said "what was his excuse for not coming up yesterday" and WW's reply that "she (OMW) has an appt with an attny this week and he doesn't want to add fuel to the fire" and GF's reply "understandable, but frustrating" could be somehow twisted into something other than them planning on getting together and him not coming?

The LIES are just stunning.

I really thought about responding to her email with "You are commiting adultery and agree you want to separate and you expect ME to move?"

But I won't. I don't want to get into any kind of conversation with her tonight because I don't want to tip my hand with what I'm going to do.

It is just really amazing what an affair can do to a person. Turn them into someone that you don't even know. Outside of the anger that I feel, I really just feel sad that the person that I've spent 23 wonderful years with (except the last year) has turned into a selfish bit*h who cares nothing about her kids, her husband, her self respect, nothing. I just want to cry.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I know, man, it's all horribly sad. It's probably just about the worst thing that one human being can INTENTIONALLY do to another that they love.

[Hope4us]

The sense of entitlement is just amazing.

And you know the funny part. My first wife cheated on me (resulted in divorce) and my WW's long term boyfriend that she thought she was going to marry cheated on her. We got together after both those events. And we talked all the time about how if one of us was unhappy that we should just divorce and then start with someone, NEVER CHEAT. We were in total agreement with that. And then she does this. I really think I need to go out tonight because I'm sick to my stomach thinking of looking at her.

I'm sure she's thinking she'll get me to back down so she can continue what she's doing in the way she's become accustomed to, but after I tell the kids we'll see what happens. And if she still won't move or wake up, then it's court time to force her to move out.

[Hope4us]

Well, last night was as expected. WW acted all happy and crap for the little bit that DS15 was downstairs and as soon as he went up to his bedroom for an evening of online gaming, she went upstairs and spent the evening in the bedroom with the door closed. Ok by me. Didn't want to talk to her anyway.

During the evening I think I decided to alter my approach a little bit. DS15 has plans this evening to go to his friends band practice and spend the night. I don't think it would be a good idea to tell him this afternoon and then have him go to The Compound with just his friends after hearing that news, so I'm going to go and tell DS19 alone this afternoon. DS19 is such a fine young man and will be able to handle this a lot better than DS15 will, so I'm going to spend the afternoon/evening with him (maybe even spend the night with him) and then tell DS15 tomorrow.

Then I'm going to tell WW I'm NOT leaving the house, she's the one committing adultery and there is no way I'm going to end up paying for her to continue to live the lifestyle she's used to while she F's OM on my dime. Then I'm going to see a lawyer and see what my options are. Maybe I don't do anything for a little bit after exposing to the kids and MIL and see what happens.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4U,

What does your wife do in that room all nite?

I'm sorry you have to tell your sons. Just tell them "I will never lie to you -- EVER" and be the man of integrity that they can emulate.

Proud of you.

Puppy