W and I piecing this M back together

[Rob1231]

Hi Lanzo! I've seen so many good posts from you over on Steve's thread, I decided to come check out yours. Just finished reading over the last few weeks of Life With Lanzo, and wanted to give my two cents.

Congratulations - you really ARE getting there. Don't lose sight of that! I remember when I was in your shoes, with W making her frequently-tentative steps back towards me and the M. It can be tough, I know - part of you wants Big Hollywood Moments, and mostly you get Baby Steps instead....

Here are a few observations that came to me as I read over your sitch.

First, I want you to remember something. In many ways, your W is still REALLY, REALLY SCARED. She had made up her mind that her M was over - and believe me, she was not a happy person when she did that. Now, she sees hope for the two of you - do you understand how difficult it is for her to throw her heart and body and soul back into that relationship after having "failed" once? I think it actually takes a lot of guts for the WAS to come back, maybe more than for the LBS to recommit - because we never gave up like they did. Add a hearty helping of guilt on top of that - do you see how "putting herself out there again" would be just terrifying? So, when she is tentative, and insecure (I'm thinking back to the big party with your family), take it easy on her - let her come back at her own pace.

Second, I want to give a different perspective on how your W was acting recently. For example, when she bought you shirts - well, I'm afraid Forrest got it all wrong.

W was then on at me to buy a new shirt, and not just any shirt but something from the upmarket shops. She wants me (in her words) to take pride in my appearance,

There was nothing "gay" about that - that was a woman buying a shirt for her man that she felt made him look sexy. That's not gay, that is HOT.

The funny thing though, is I am going for a night out next week with the new friends I made while on my GAL mission and when I told W where I was going and who I was going with, she go really excited and asked if she could join us. I'm not sure if she wants to keep an eye on me (cos they will be lots of gals at this club) or she just wants to enjoy time with the new outgoing me. But I'm fine about it we're going out as a couple and meeting up with the gang.

Also, when she wanted to go out with you and your new GAL friends - to me, you couldn't get a stronger validation that you were doing the right things. As a matter of fact, your W, who had been failing to make herself happy in her sitch, saw you GALing and succeeding at making yourself happy. And she was envious that you "got it right" - she wanted you to invite her along for the good stuff and leave the bad stuff behind.

Third, please, PLEASE try to stop looking at so much of your sitch through the perspective of how the OM figured into it. As the most obvious example - your W may be growing sexually, but that does NOT mean that OM was the cause. IMHO, that kind of awakening doesn't come from being with someone different - it is more about your W herself than about who is in bed with her. Give your W credit for growing, and enjoy it - celebrate it with her! And do that without bringing that OM bum along for the ride. (Do you know The Icky Band Aid Analogy? Well, that nasty old thing has dried up, peeled off, and fallen into the dirt - leave it there and move on!)

Keep up the great work, and remember to be kind and supportive - to both your W and to yourself!

Rob