Ok so here I am again.... I am here in my room. sitting and just enjoying my day and then my husband CALLS..... WHAT A BLESSING FROM GOD~ we talked for over a hour and a half.... it got a little emotional for a bit and I thought I would go into what I used to.
*( dread , crying , defending my positon , trying like H*ll to make him see my point of view, blah blah blah....) and not be able to move forward in the conversation.... I didnt~ wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhooooooooooooooooooooo!
Nope I felt the pain and let it rise in me and then let the energy out... and we proceeded to have a very amazing convo.
I think I am getting better at hearing him and he at hearing me..
he asked me this and I have been thinking a lot about it not from my Ego but from that who I am.....
" what is it that I do that makes you feel like I dont love you or want you?"
Good ? and I had the answer I told him..............
Yes I finally had the answer........ The mechanics are great you perform like no other and you are the best lover on the planet but there are times when I dont feel you, I dont feel who you are beyond that. I dont feel your essence."
and his first gut respnse was " honey you need help , there is something wrong with you.." ~wow... Now I could have gotten angry and said.." well you know what buddy there is something wrong with me? you are no walk in the park either.."
I instead stayed calm and almost laughed actually..... I said... theres something wrong with me? Actually no there is not it is just like when you say to me you want to feel my Passion you dont want me just to ML or touch like a robot you want to feel me.....
so sure I can feel you and feel how hard you are trying and how good it feels but I want to feel who you are underneath all that *work/sex/ML..
.. the unseen and the untouchable... the unspoken words between us the essence of really feeling you and knowing you want me..... not feeling your body is reacting to me.........I know with my eyes you want me *(())(*(***( it is right there but I want to feel you
I am sure he thinks wow I thought she was nuts before and now she has really lost it......
I actually want from you what you are saying you want from me...
I remember I told him @ 2 years ago when I was so preoccupied in my mind when we were seperated and we were about to ML and I thought I could fake my way thru and you wouldnt know my mind was racing. I could let it go and ML to you..... it was like you read my mind and you got upset.
..... and said see Ali you arent even here... it is exactly like that... he replied I do not remember that and I said I am sure you dont but for me it was like ...
~WOW................
I have not said a D*mn thing and he can read my mind without a single word being said..
it is that energy I am talking about.....
I want to feel you really feel WHO YOU ARE and feel that Passion .....
......not just for the physical.........
HE SAID .... why havent you ever told me.... I replied... I think even if I had tried and was ready to tell you , you never would have heard me......... not really understood it.... and I started to cry.
I said you know yelling and screaming and you calling me names and then me yelling back has not gotten us to know one another quite the opppsite. I am just now really getting to know who you are......
almost 12 years later......
He also said I should not get upset when I say something to him and then he reacts........
I said are you kidding me... I want you to react!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...... just like this
.......not with calling me names etc etc etc ..
......but with really listening to me and showing that you ******* are really alive I want to feel the life you have in you.
I want to know you! I can only know you if you speak. Are you kidding me I LOVE THIS! I have waited for this for a very long time. (* he had mentioned his Mother previously..) I am not like your Mother , I do not want you to be who I want you to be , I do not want you to sit over there quietly, and shut up and be who I need you to be, who ***I think you should be.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want you to be you ****** and be alive and be known... Please do not ever confuse me with her and everyone else in the world for that Matter ,, be who you are .... I want YOU to be alive and full of life this is the you I have been waiting for.........
Sorry for Rambling.........
But this to me is sooooooooooooooooo AMAZING!
I told him it is like you finally hear me and I you.. what a GIFT!
