It's been a pretty good week over here. H was off work for the last 4 days and did a bunch of stuff around the house. Cleaned out and reorganized the garage, bought a storage shed for our bicycles and put it together, and did some yard work (even though we have a landscaper!). He also built a small ramp for the boys to jump off of with their bikes! S12 and S8 go off of it with no problem; S3 always acts as if he's going to do it, too, but turns to the right at the last minute to avoid the jump!
Something I need to work on:
H has brought to my attention lately that I don't act as though I love him enough....???....I asked him what he meant, and he said that I don't hug him and initiate closeness enough. He wants oodles and oodles of hugs, lots of kisses on his face, me cuddling up next to him in bed every night, and me making the first move from time to time when it comes to ML. He wants to feel attractive to me; he wants to feel desired by me.
Ok, I guess my H has 3 LLs - WOA, AOS, and PT.
I do love him, so of course, I will try to do more of these things. Sometimes it's hard though because he isn't always acting very desirable. H gets easily frustrated with many things - like when he was assembling the shed; pieces weren't quite fitting together - and blows his top. He shouts, swears, is very short-tempered and highly irritable. If something comes up that has us interact with each other, his "grumpiness" is there, too, and it often feels as though it's being projected onto me or the kids. I know this shouldn't be taken personally. I know that he's just frustrated, but it is REALLY hard to ignore.
I've asked him before, many times, to relax and take a deep breath. He doesn't though. Says he can't, and often gets p*ssed at me for not being more empathetic. WTH??!! So what usually happens is I walk away, and that makes him even angrier.
*Sigh*.....What to do?
Hmmm......Maybe I should act as he does the next time he gets frustrated about something....???....He still has to put the roof together for the shed. I think if it gives him more problems, I'll get p*ssed and share in his irritability.....Say something like, " Geez, what a piece of s**t! Why does this got to be all f***ing complicated?!!" Now THAT would be one heck of a 180!
Seriously though, I think all I can really do is ignore the undesirable behavior, play along when I can, and initiate more PT when he acts like he deserves it . We'll see what happens.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I love the idea of getting frustrated for him. I saw a similar example in DR or DB and the spouse's reaction was amazed/bewildered. Should be an interesting experiment, certainly can't hurt to give it a try.
I'm not sure there's any way to short-circuit the process for him, maybe he needs to get angry and then calm down? Which method seems to result in him calming back down the fastest?
Oh, and on the PT when he deserves it - I have to fight with myself over this mentality as well - but as with most LLs, it's not about whether they deserve it in some fashion. It's about making them feel loved in spite of their faults.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
...probably not as much fun as Michelle's experiment though!
I agree though. Maybe you should try that. My H has the same problem at getting frustrated with stuff and getting really mad. When I tell him it is no big deal and not to worry about it he just gets madder. He says he can't understand why stuff like that doesn't bug me. I remember not to long ago he was installing something on his computer and it didn't work. It really made no sense that it didn't work. So instead of "petting" him and trying to make him feel better I got mad too...just like he does...and it ended with us both laughing. Maybe because he felt validated about getting angry. Or maybe he saw how silly it was to get so upset over something that doesn't really matter.
Other than that, I am glad things are going good for you!! It seems like he is really trying.
...probably not as much fun as Michelle's experiment though!
Darn it, I know, huh?!!!
I think I remember that example being in DR, too.
I also think my H does need to just get angry, then calm down after a bit. Usually the best thing to do is to keep my distance and tell the kids to do the same with, "Dad's not in a very good mood right now, so leave him alone please". That pretty much will be the end of it.
But it's when there is interaction of some sort when H talks to me or the kids with a harsh, curt, irritable tone in his voice that gets under my skin. I could ask him what he would like for dinner, and he'll shoot back at me with, "I don't f***ing care! Whatever you want to make. I'm f***ing busy right now!" Then I get p*ssed and will either walk away (biting my tongue when I REALLY want to say something to him) because I despise his crappy attitude or I'll shoot back telling him he doesn't need to be so damn mean - it's so uncalled for!
Either way, he knows I'm mad and/or unhappy with this but acts as though it's MY problem, and that I should just accept that this is how he is. .....*sigh* .....I DO accept this, but it is still hard to ignore everytime.
Anyhow, like I said, it's best to just let him be and steer clear when he's in one of these moods.....Just means H will have to eat whatever I decide to make!
Originally Posted By: MichelleLT
Oh, and on the PT when he deserves it - I have to fight with myself over this mentality as well - but as with most LLs, it's not about whether they deserve it in some fashion. It's about making them feel loved in spite of their faults.
I was half joking when I wrote that , but yes, you are right, Michelle.
(((Thanks, ladies!!)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I don't know....When I stopped to think about this earlier today, it bugs me that H hasn't really spent a whole lot of QT with me or even the boys. I mean yes, he's here, but he hasn't really done much with us this past month.
He had 4 days off last week and 3 the week before. Prior to that, he took all the overtime that was offered to him.
On his last cycle off from work, he did things around the outside of the house. The time before that, he was gone everyday looking at cars. When he is working, he comes home, but there is ALWAYS someone else here - a couple of co-workers - and he's always outside in the garage with them, drinking beer and watching TV. Doesn't ask me how I feel about it. Just has them come over and we feed them. That's fine I guess, but I don't like it happening 3 nights a week. Once or twice maybe, but not 3. That's time in the evenings that he could be spending with the boys, taking them somewhere or just playing with them outside.
I'm also feeling like I shouldn't ask for help with the kids. Like tonight, S12 had to be picked up at 7pm from his martial arts class. I asked H if he could pick him up so I could stay home and get dinner started, and he replied as if I was asking too much of him, "Yeah, if I need to. I wanted to go to Sports Authority, but I guess I won't." Geez, I'm so sorry ! Whenever I ask for any kind of help with the kids, I feel like I'm annoying him.
I can also tell he's been smoking. Yuck ! He knows I can't stand this but won't stop. Fine, whatever. I just want to refuse giving him a kiss when he leans in for one . Sorry if that offends anyone out there!
Anyway, H is outside right now with his friends again. I didn't make enough dinner tonight to feed 3 grown men, so he's leaving to pick something up for them......Perhaps if he told me they were going to be here AGAIN, I would've cooked more food.
The last time H and I did something together...alone...was when we went to the basketball game. That was March 7th.
Just feeling a bit neglected at the moment, and I wanted to get it out.
*Sigh*
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Damn, maybe it is the water! LOL
Now THAT would be one heck of a 180! 
. We'll see what happens.
.....*sigh* 
.....I DO accept this, but it is still hard to ignore everytime.
! He knows I can't stand this but won't stop. Fine, whatever. I just want to refuse giving him a kiss when he leans in for one