Bring on the Rain

[SueS]

Neecy-

H said those things to me too. He told me that he still found me attractive. But it's true, unless you feel good about yourself, you wonder how anyone else can love you or see you as attractive. I'd tell my H, but you oogle over women that are perfect and you know I'm not anything like them. He just couldn't understand that it was ME. He just needed to give ME some time. I told him I loved him. I hugged him, I kissed him, we ML....etc. It just wasn't enough.

Yesterday was a good day at work. I got a lot done. I had another long talk with one of my bosses. He told me that he was surprised to hear that our split was just a matter of when. He assummed that since my work performance had improved so much that things at home were improving also. I told him that I am just handling things better and that I've come to realize how much I need my job. Not just for the income, but because I love my job. I need the friends I've come to know. I need the involvement that I know I can have in events and outings. We talked about a lot of things. I've known my boss for about 3 years now and we're pretty honest with each other about things. He was worried about me because for some reason he thought I was the one driving the split. He was worried that I'd feel guilt for splitting our family & what affect it might have on D3. I told him no, it's H's decision. However, since it's been going for so long, I've seen things that I know I don't want to live with any more. Things that I've always just swept to the side so the boat doesn't get rocked. I'd always looked at it like....the good times outweigh the bad, so I'll just let this go. I know there are tough times in every relationship, but I shouldn't have to feel that way any more. He said, Sue, if I know you like I think I do, you'll come through this a lot better than you think you will. You'll survive and you'll be a heck of a lot stronger in the end. It was a very honest conversation, but it was an easy one to have. He's a great guy who doesn't hold anything against me. He said that he felt good that I felt comfortable enough to open up to him the way I did.

H got home last night & left to work out. He got up early this morning & went to meet a friend for breakfast. I slept the night away with my cough medicine with codene! Yes, it helped a lot. Although without D4 at home, I've been waking up really, really early.

H refuses to call the daycare provider to work out the billing with her. He keeps insisting that I talk to her. This is his bill, yet he refuses to get it worked out. I told him that it makes no sense for me to get information only to have to relay it to him and then back to her. He is even stopping by tomorrow to drop off a check......still, he will not handle it. Good luck to him when he is responsible for things all on his own.

Time to get busy.

SueS

[karen43]

I said, I'm overweight, overworked, depressed, my boobs still leaked from nursing a year & 1/2 earlier, H & I had different schedules & I never got to see him.....etc. I told him I'm 38, but I feel like I'm 80. ... I told him that yes, I thought I did, but things had been tough and I was afraid he'd leave me. He said, Sue, I have NEVER heard of a husband that will leave his wife for the reasons you're telling me. I have NEVER heard of a husband that won't support his wife through what you're going through. SueS

I guess b/c your doctor hasn't heard of my husband! I was going through exactly the same things last year, was severely depressed, overweight, no energy, and I didn't realize that I was depressed and my H was spending 70-80 hours at work and hobbies. He finally agrees I was depressed which I've conquered with therapy & Prozac--but still is wanting a divorce & having an affair with OW!!! I think you are right that I should stop blaming myself like I have been!!!

[lovelyolive]

Those things are just excuses. Our H's have to have a "reason" for their A's. We could be drop-dead gorgeous, in the best shape of our lives, and have it all together and then, there would be something else wrong with us in their eyes.

So, yes.. stop blaming yourself (easy for me to say!)

[fightingirish]

sues,

Sounds like you have a wonderful boss, they are hard to come by my friend. I thank goodness you have that job to hold on to, finacially and spiritually for yourself. It will keep you going (besides D4 of course).. you have a good support system their with that job, and that is wonderful.

Your H will have to face the daycare things sooner than later.. he's really making himself look like a chump.

You are doing great sue, im so glad.

[SueS]

Hi there!

Olive, you're right. I've come to realize that I did change most of the things that my H had complained about. Then, when those things had changed, he'd come at me with more things that I was doing wrong or he'd pull up things from 2 years ago. Funny, most people think that women are the ones that hold a grudge. Not in my case. It's my H. He'll pull up stuff from years ago. After I made all kinds of changes and things were getting better, he started pushing me to bring a 3rd party into our bedroom. I refused. Well, then I just wasn't meeting his needs, I needed to relax and I just wasn't any fun. WTH?? Just looking for anything that would push me away.

TAL- I do have a wonderful boss. I have 2 and they're both really great guys. They are both married with kids and understand.

As far as the daycare thing goes...... Nope, still won't deal with it. I told him to let me know today what was going on. He called and simply said, I dropped off a check, the Director wasn't there. I asked if he planned on talking to her so I'd know if I was leaving tonight to pick up D4. He said, you do whatever you want. He was very, very rude to me. I tried to push things and make him make the decision. He just said, you do whatever you want and I'll take care of it. So, if I go get her, he'll tell me that he wanted her to say another week. If I leave her, he'll b*tch at me for being charged for another week that she's not there. I CANNOT win with him. I asked why he was angry. He said, do I sound angry? Yes, you do. Again, he just repeated himself....Whatever, do what you want and I'll take care of it. So, something happened or something isn't going quite his way and again, he's taking it out on me. I miss D4 a lot, but I'm still sick. I don't want to be selfish, but I could use the rest. She's better and I don't want to get her sick again.

I did got to the work Happy Hour last night. It was fun. I found myself relaxing and not worrying about anything. H got home just a few minutes after me. Not one word. I said hello. Nothing. I said it again and got a mumbled hi. He changed into his workout clothes and left. I was in the bedroom and when I came out, he was gone. Not a word.

-Sue

SueS

[karen43]

He was very, very rude to me. I tried to push things and make him make the decision. He just said, you do whatever you want and I'll take care of it. So, if I go get her, he'll tell me that he wanted her to say another week. If I leave her, he'll b*tch at me for being charged for another week that she's not there. I CANNOT win with him. I asked why he was angry. He said, do I sound angry? Yes, you do. Again, he just repeated himself....Whatever, do what you want and I'll take care of it. So, something happened or something isn't going quite his way and again, he's taking it out on me.

Sue, since you've realized you can't win with your H, I think you should just do what's best for you and D4. I don't think you should let your H be very, very rude to you or yell at you and those kind of behaviors. Tell him you won't discuss until he is calmer & you don't/will not allow him to treat you disrespectfully. I know it's easy for me to say, but I have let my H get away with that for several years now, and I have decided I won't anymore!!! Karen

[Rob1231]

He said, you do whatever you want. ... Again, he just repeated himself....Whatever, do what you want and I'll take care of it.

What a clown. Sue, honestly, you just need to take him at his word - do what you want, and then (the tricky part!) don't give it a moment's thought when he gets all pissy. Because, as you know, he's gonna get pissy no matter what - and that's HIS problem, not YOURS.

I don't want to be selfish, but I could use the rest. She's better and I don't want to get her sick again.

Seriously, "not being selfish" is overrated. When selfish means taking care of yourself and protecting D4 from illness - I can't think of a better time to put yourself first.

On a related note, I'll tell you that I have been wanting to go work out more myself lately, but keep letting other priorities get in the way of that. I told my W the other night that I am going to go to a spinning class today after work, and started to apologize for that delaying dinner or meaning we wouldn't eat together. She cut me off - and rightly so, as it turned out. She actually used the words that I should BE MORE SELFISH - and when she did, I realized that she was right, putting myself first rather than deferring to her too much is being strong and independent, and what's more - that's attractive.

The more I hear of your H, Sue, the more I believe that it's all going to come crashing down on him someday soon. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. In detaching from that accident waiting to happen, you're doing the right things, for both yourself and for that sweet little girl of yours. ((BIG hugs!))

[SueS]

Sue, honestly, you just need to take him at his word - do what you want, and then (the tricky part!) don't give it a moment's thought when he gets all pissy. Because, as you know, he's gonna get pissy no matter what - and that's HIS problem, not YOURS.

Rob- Thanks so much. What a nice Friday surprise to see you on my thread! I plan on doing what I want. I know if he gets angry later about paying that I'll just keep my mouth shut. He could get to angry. However, the fiesty part of me wants to tell him that his first priority should always be his child. That if he hadn't gone to CA twice this past fall/summer for his own pleasure, he wouldn't have gotten behind on the bill to begin with. That he completely wasted $283 on a framing his Springsteen poster & pictures. Just the side story to that. We saw Springsteen on his HUGE tour back in 2002-2003. H has been waiting to get all this stuff framed. They set it up beautifully. He put one picture in there of the group of us that went. The deposit ($283) was 1/2 of the cost to do it. Well, since he's decided that he no longer wants me in his life, he's decided he no longer wants the frame. Very petty, yes. So, $283 down the drain, a beautiful framed poster with actual ticket stubs and pictures of us & New York....never picked up! And, this framing place out the additonal $283 and with something no one else probably wants.

The more I hear of your H, Sue, the more I believe that it's all going to come crashing down on him someday soon. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. In detaching from that accident waiting to happen, you're doing the right things, for both yourself and for that sweet little girl of yours. ((BIG hugs!))

You know, since I've decided that there are certain things that I don't want to live with any more, I'm actually scared of H actually coming back and wanting his family. To some, especially new people, that may sound horrible. I guess I've gotten to the point where I'm ready to be done. My eyes are open to the cycle I've been living in for years. At this point, I don't see H wanting any of coming back to me. However, he's the type of person that would try to hold on to anything that would help him keep his head above water just long enough to find a new way out.

H even just called again. He got very, very angry with me. He asked what I was going to do.....get D4 or leave her. I said, leave her. He said.....Whatever.....All Right! He did it in a "You're making a mistake" tone. I asked him what he wanted. He said, I asked you a question and you answered it. So, I am screwed. I know now that H will hammer and accuse me of costing him money if I do not go get D4 this weekend. I also feel like I cannot be around this man this weekend. He is too angry. I called my mom and told her that I felt stuck. She offered to pay for next week if I wanted D4 to stay. I told her - absolutely not! I will not allow them to bail him out. I know my H will take full advantage of it. If they pay this time, he'll expect them to pay in the future.

I will call H and tell him I will be leaving work early and heading to my parents. Done!

SueS

[Rob1231]

You know, since I've decided that there are certain things that I don't want to live with any more, I'm actually scared of H actually coming back and wanting his family. To some, especially new people, that may sound horrible. I guess I've gotten to the point where I'm ready to be done. My eyes are open to the cycle I've been living in for years. At this point, I don't see H wanting any of coming back to me. However, he's the type of person that would try to hold on to anything that would help him keep his head above water just long enough to find a new way out.

Sue, if he decides he wants to come back, that is NOT the end of the discussion, it is just the beginning. There are two people in this M, and if the M does continue, that needs to be on the condition that BOTH of them are committed, happy, and having their needs fulfilled.

I will call H and tell him I will be leaving work early and heading to my parents. Done!

Good answer!

[karen43]

Sue sounds like you are making great decisions & I hope you don't let your H guilt you about them!!! That seems like such a shame about the picture--have you thought about contacting the frame shop and getting it from them yourself cause as you say that's something that no one else would probably want??? Karen