Neecy, I do NOT fully trust my wife now. That has to do with the historial propensity for people who cheat to repeat the offense, but mostly it has to do with her lack of movement back towards our marriage and our pre-A issues. Her detailed cellphone billing still comes to me, and I occasionally check her phone for text messages. Other than the one relapse last year, which she came to me and self-admitted after about five days of re-contact, there has been no other re-contact that I'm aware of.
I know people have done this successfully. I'm just not seeing my wife's actions and efforts as being in congruent with someone who's going to make a go of it, but that's another story.
btw, I skipped over your "actions, not words" thing, and you are RIGHT and I was WRONG. (there, I said it, LOL). You are wise to focus on his ACTIONS.
He does act like Saddam Hussein, though, ACTING as if he has WMDs, even at the threat of his own destruction, which I just find WEIRD.
I am sorry things aren't going better between you and W.
WEIRD - now this is the key term wierd, my H's actions have been weird, issue #1 at marriage counselling was control. I think this is all a battle for control at this point, he got it as soon as I did my DB 180 and now he does not want to lose it by committing to working on anything.
What if Saddam believed that he could threaten anything he wanted because he believed that the opposing side was only "acting" like the would use their weapons if he didn't surrender.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Neecy's H and OW work for the same company, though now in different locations, but for business-related issues, there IS contact that must take place for business purposes.
What should she do then? Insist on her H quitting his job?
Yes, IF he wants to remain married to her,
Sounds awfully controlling to me, but I digress.
Puppy, I don't have any issues as well. Like I said, we can agree to disagree, and as many of us have pointed out to Neecy before (as well as to others), what worked in one sitch may very well backfire in another. There is no 'one size fits all' remedy.
My "pie in the sky/naive" approach, as you choose to call it, is what works for ME . If I continued to go through my days agonizing and making myself sick, wondering and worrying about what my H was/is up to, I would not make it in this R. However, NOT ONCE did I EVER ignore the possibility that my H was still in contact with the OW. I, too, gathered all the 'intel' I could get my hands on. The snooping was good for me, but just awful for the R. Oh well, too bad, right? My H brought this upon himself and had to deal with the consequences of his actions.
But, IMHO, this has to stop. At what point? Well that depends on the sitch and what's happening in it, particularly the actions of the UP. Again, IMO, his/her actions should help to determine when it is time to ease up and focus on moving forward. If there isn't some minute level of faith in your partner,...well....then why even bother trying to save your M if you're going to continuously doubt them?
Forgive and move on, and YES, I agree - "Trust, but verify."
No worries, Neecy. I'm a big girl, too, and I can take the heat.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Good friday night all. H is gone out with buddies for the second Friday night in a row. Hmm the 2 previous he fell asleep at 6:30 - I must not be as entertaining as the boys!
H's birthday is tomorrow. For the past few weeks he has chided me all week with going Par-t-ing on the weekend. He had mentioned nothing about what he was doing tomorrow night. At dinner tonight I asked him what he would like for supper for his birthday, he said I thought we are going to your parents. My parents always make everyone dinner for their birthday. Last week he had said he didn;t want to go there on the Saturday I suggested another day during the week and he didn;t commit, when my mom brought it up I told her not to bother.
I then asked what are your plans tomorrow night, he said I thought maybe we could go to Ridgeways. Ridgeways is the bar I met him at a few weeks ago after I went to the casino and he got a little antsy. It is the only other time we have been there for drinks so I guess he thought it was a nice time.
When he left tonight he gave my daughter a kiss and then asked me for one, just a peck, but still,this is shocking as even pre A this would not happen,(he really only shows affection during ml).
I am going to think of these as positives(even though every time he walks out the door my stomach is in knots)
One more thing I am thinking of as a small, very small positive. Everyday, and I mean every single day, for months H has felt the need to look at ow's facebook page, 90% of the time nothing has changed(since I look too once I see he did)but if someone wrote on her wall ect he checks it out. He has not checked this page since last Saturday.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
One more thing I am thinking of as a small, very small positive. Everyday, and I mean every single day, for months H has felt the need to look at ow's facebook page, 90% of the time nothing has changed(since I look too once I see he did)but if someone wrote on her wall ect he checks it out. He has not checked this page since last Saturday.
Seems like a positive to me too. Have a happy night neecy.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I hope you're right about the little things you're seeing. That's the hard part about all this isn't it? You don't know what's real and what's fake. I know now why everyone says it takes YEARS to regain trust (if we ever get to the point) after something like this.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I worried the whole time he was gone, he was an hour later coming home than he said and he texted me one time while he was out then in the car on the way home. Pre - A there would have been no contact while he was out and he would have probably came home at the same time but he would have said he was coming back 2 hours before that which would have made him 3 hours late. So I guess this should seem more positive but when you don't trust you are always thinking.
This morning he was grumpy before he left for work, could be because so far he has worked 60 hours this week and although he didn't feel tired when it was time to go out last night he is feeling it today.
I need to focus on evening out my moods, I am very up & down hopeful/questioning, looking to the future one minute giving up completely the next and nothing really needs to happen other than just sitting here thinking. I don't think I need AD because I am not crying or really depressed - although there have been moments naturally.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I had a hard time picking out a card for my H's birthday, didn't want anything saying how wonderful he was or how special he made me feel - didn't want it to be funny. This is what I found. Maybe too sappy but I liked it.
Happy Birthday to My Husband
We've been through it all - the good, the bad, the very good , the very bad and the inspiring moments that make it all worthwhile...and through it all I've always been grateful to be sharing my life with you. I LOVE YOU
I just put my name on the bottom, no note, I think it says anything I wanted to say. Too much?
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
ADs were recommended for me, and they helped me IMMEASURABLY. Not just for full-on depression, crying or panic attacks (I had had 2-3 anxiety attacks), but just EVENING OUT MY MOODS.
Talk to your doctor about it; it may really help you.
I'm with ya. And I'm kind of reluctant to say this because it's really about my sitch and not yours, so if you read this and are offended, just tell me to not post anymore....
A couple weeks ago my W started doing those things too, emails at work letting me know what was going on, sending me a few text messages now and then, being more open and talkative at home and I thought GREAT, she's coming out of this and we're making some progress.....then I see the TM's with a GF and they are commenting how yes, things are calming down at home....woohoo I thought....then a couple TM's later and they're discussing the planned meet with OM not working out.
That's where I am with all the trust issues. Let alone W telling me she wanted to separate instead of ending her A and working on our marriage. But those trust issues will take a looooongggggg time to get over, for both of us.
The saddest part for me is, let's assume my marriage does end. Will I ever be able to trust a future partner? I've often thought that if/when I would start dating again that I would want a mate that has had their spouse cheat on them so they would know the pain caused by infidelity.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Sounds awfully controlling to me, but I digress.
. If I continued to go through my days agonizing and making myself sick, wondering and worrying about what my H was/is up to, I would not make it in this R. However, NOT ONCE did I EVER ignore the possibility that my H was still in contact with the OW. I, too, gathered all the 'intel' I could get my hands on. The snooping was good for me, but just awful for the R. Oh well, too bad, right? My H brought this upon himself and had to deal with the consequences of his actions.