Alimari, sorry but I have to say, work with what you have, and not what should be.
you know what I love this.....
I have been thinking about this comment a lot. My whole life I have been trying to live in a way that pleases GOD and a lot of people would tell me noone else lives in the world you do Alicia, noone else is that open or non judgemental.etc etc etc etc blah blah blah.....
Yes I need to work with what I have and not what should be.... this is the amazingness I am referring to. For me it can be the whole post or it can be just one sentence that pops out at me and inspires me to get even further out of my box and think ..... people have so much beauty in them and with just a few words can help someone else tremendously. So I thank you and I know/think you werent even referring to my R but that I where it is going to help.
I also have done this a looooooooooooooot in my Marriage.
I have been so busy working towards what could be that I forget to enjoy the ~NOW.
The time when I am present with my H I miss it totally. I am their in body but in spirit I am not. And this way of living and also ML is going to change. It has to!
I want it to change my H does too~
I do believe I am ready for it. I do want to get the book Sex Starved Marriage.. I currently am reading a NEW EARTH and have read Passionate Marriage many times.... but what I needed most to see was that I wasnt in the moment I was in the past. Lovingly dragging it with me every where I went. Like the blamket you see toddlers carry around. I know I keep repeating the same things over and over but somehow it is helping me to purge this out of my soul. I have realized that I have done this with many things...
BUt most of all when I was ML to my H where was I ?
Was I really feeling his love for me? I dont think so , I was feeling many others things but not the pure beauty of him with me, sure he wasnt always the Man he should be but if I was there why couldnt I take that as a gift? ..... why did I ? *(*&&&*) I dunno....
I cannot answer that and I dont want to dwell once again .... ......just putting my random thoughts on paper.
I know I did all these things and he was ugly too.
I wonder if I can seduce him , if I can be the sexual being that God created me to be. That with Marrying you..... I am supposed to be, a sexual being, freely without fear. WE are supposed to be one til death and yet sometimes you scare me so much and I scare myself too. I have always loved you.
...... and have always been in love with your being not so much in love with your physical attributes. I have always loved you the essence of who you are and now I need to find the place in me that sees who you are physically and wants to touch that and enjoy you. The solution still eludes me at times cause I felt loving who you really were would be enough. It wasnt.......
and when we are together we ML all the time but how many times did I really take you and take your flesh against mine and feel you? I can say that some times I have and that is when it felt so beautiful I was brought to tears.....
I know you need this and you need me to give myself to you in a way that will be good for us both and bring us closer. And while I was in love with you and your body is also beautiful to me....
.... but it came in second to me.
.... for the love that bursts in me for your being, takes over and has more strength.
.... you seem to love my body so much and I needed you to love me, who I am under all that. Underneath the flesh there is ~A me who was dying for you to touch.... I wanted to feel you ,not just feel you on my skin. I wanted to really feel you touch my soul and love me for that. For who I really am.
So here we are and we are wanting the same thing really.
I know I will help you find me and I will find a way to touch you and make you feel me. I want to find a way to truly feel you and feel you in me in a way I never have before. I want to feel you. I really do. I know God will help me with this... I always prayed for you to open your eyes and ow I have to also open mine.... you need me to love your form and not just your soul and I need the opposite. I have faith we can do this, because now you are seeing. I always prayed for you to be able to see me, not just the breasts and the booty but me, I am not my body after all I am so much more, and I used to ask myself if you ever saw beyond that?
I am sure you do now. And while I want you to transcend and love who I am underneath the D cup Victoria Secret bra... I need to accept that too.
.... it is a part of the way you show me you love me, it is all you knew. I am a Woman above that but I am starting to learn to take it and smile or laugh. But that is why when you call and say I should tell you what I have on for undergarments it is not the first thing I think of ,,,, but I must remember that for you this is important. So one thing at a time but I hope one day you will fully see who I am and look faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar beyond those things that I wear on my body.Or what my Body looks like. I feel like if I get past my hang ups you will also one day transcend who you are now,,,,, I need to guide you and be your teacher. Take you in my hands and make you feel me, show you how to love me too. Not just rock your world but rock every cell you have so you can finally see me and who I really am. Open your eyes even more .....
