Confused as Ever

[Snow White]

Good morning all.

I would like to make a simple statement. I am not a stupid person. I am not a niave person. If I was it wouldn't have taken me exactly 6 days from the first time I saw my husband flip the cell phone closed when I approached to call up cell phone bills for 2 phones, emails double deleted a week before, addresses in my GPS, a string of status updates on OW's facebook account, and sit and cross reference calls to facebook updates to make a quick and dirty determination.

Why did I search this all out because I happened to see H flip the phone closed? Because I could tell something about him was different. He smoked more often and instead of 3 minutes outside in the cold it was 10. He would leave for work 15 mintues earlier. I knew before I ever called the number on that bill who the phone would belong to because H was constantly talking about the problems this "poor girl" was having.

I have been, against the suggestions of many, a vigilant snooper. I pay very close attention to the credit card bills, the phone bills and the internet. We do not have a lot of disposable income and my H's paycheque is deposited into a common set of accounts, he only has access to one of them that I transfer spending money in for him. Between buying coffee everyday(often more than once and for myself as well) and smoking - now $9 a pack in Canada and having beer with the guys usually about once a week it is amazing that there is enough spending money to make it to the next pay(often there isn't that is why I then see gas about $10 more than normal to fill the tank on the credit card because it's gas plus cigs). Not only this I have-and been chidded about it on here because it is detremental to my mental state and to trying to build any trust- got in my car and drove to confirm H's whereabouts on occassions that I was feeling uneasy.

So what am I babbling on about? I dug for info initially based on my H flipping the phone closed because he seemed different. All I am saying now is he seems different again, I did not decide this because I saw the phone bill and was lulled into a false sense of security I said this because I felt something shift and the phone bill did nothing to jar me out of it. He is smoking less, in fact most nights does not go outside after he gets home, trips to the store and coffee shop are back to 7 minutes.

This month on the 20th I wrote an email to a friend that said
"The oddest thing in my mind is that when my H told me he wouldn't call her anymore and he wasn't talking to her(In january) I felt like he was talking to her more than he is now when he says that he will not stop calling her if he wants to talk to her. It may be my mind playing tricks on me but it really feels different."
This is what I wrote journalling here on the 18th. "My H has been different since Sat night. He has called me Neecy or Denisey a number of times which he has not done post-ow. Everytime I get up he wonders what I am doing now and why I can't just hang out with him. I have not asked if he has called OW, he probably has, but he hasn't left my side while I have been home. Very different, situations keep evolving. "

Do I trust him? Not on my life. Do I think there are other ways he could contact her - of course and I worry about it constantly. Everyone keeps telling me on here that I need to use ACTION not words, action is what talks. Early on this sitch my H used words but his actions said otherwise, now he refuses to say the words I want to hear but his actions have changed.

Is there a possibility that a week from now I will be on here crying that I found out about another phone? Certainly, and I hope there will be no I told you sos.

All cheaters lie - a fact. What are we doing here? I don't even know how to start building trust again if I am going to look for other ways to get around everytime I see something positive. I will likely never trust my husband again, its that simple. Should I just throw in the towel now?

Do any of you that have successfully rebuilt your marriages actually trust your spouses now? Or is this a sick feeling you have to carry around for the rest of your life and live with if you want to stay together?