Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

It must be hard to be a DB coach, hearing all the sad stories and trying to stay encouraging. I'm glad you have one that you believe in and who is giving you advice that seems to be at least getting your W's attention.

I tried to explain MLC to a friend that I had lunch w/ this week, but even I find it hard to understand most of the time. I guess you never really know what it's like unless you've been through it, and even then you probably only know what was going on when you come out. Imagine becoming the worst kind of person you could imagine, and then waking up one day and realizing what you've done to the people you love. Imagine coming to a place where you hate yourself and can't imagine why anyone would want you. Imagine trying to face the insurmountable task of making up for all the damage you've done, and looking at the person you have hurt the most and trying to believe that you could ever make things right enough to have a future with her/him. I have to remind myself of all that is going on that I can't see and that my H can't talk to me about in order to keep from becoming impatient. It's so easy to tell myself that this should be happening faster, and then I remember something that hurt me so much, something I have somehow been able to push out of my memory for awhile and it hits me all over again, how much damage has been done and how much work it will be to repair the hurt.

Yes we need to create a new R, a new M, and perhaps a new home will help in that process. But we can't possibly believe we can leave the past behind without healing the wounds. Staying solution focused is very hard for me and I think it's probably time for me to reread DR, which I have tucked under my mattress (where my journal used to be). Perhaps I can refocus on my goals and what I want to accomplish, concentrate on the positives and be able to really believe that we are "piecing". Somehow I thought that when we got to this stage it would be easy; not so, it's just as confusing as ever, perhaps more so because now I have to ask myself if I truly believe it's possible to do this, if I have it in me. The past few weeks w/ H traveling so much has opened up some old wounds, has brought back some of the fear of the unknown, has made me wonder if I could honestly trust him again with the amount of travel he does for work. I try to push away those feelings since they don't do me any good. But I think if/when he does move back home, that is when I will face my biggest challenge, b/c by letting him move back I will open myself up again and let myself be vulnerable. It's a thought that makes my stomach flip over. I'm pretty sure H knows this too, and why he has been hesitant about bringing up the subject of him moving back. I guess the ball really may be in my court now, as you suggest, to ask him to come back home. I guess it's me who has to show him that I believe in him and in us enough to take that chance.

You have wonderful kids who love you and want you to be happy. Draw strength from that love as I do from my D7. She's so little and yet she has so much wisdom - my MIL says she has an old soul. I used to believe that the LBSs without children have it easier b/c they can simply start over, but now I realize that w/o my D, I'd be pretty lost. She anchors me and reminds me of what is truly important. Thank God for our children, truly sent from heaven to help us find our way through this mess. I don't think I would be here if it weren't for her.

FA