I think the talks about the future might be best to sit on the back burner for now. It seems H is getting closer and closer, don't want to send him back two steps with R talk. Maybe say one night do you want to come back home? Or "home" might be a new house, free of the old (bad) memories. If he says yes, shelf it for another time, just say we need to draw up a plan but not tonight and let H think about it.
I guess the difference in our siches is my W wants the D fast. Met with her tonight to look for a Realtor to sell the house, she's going to call two and I'll call two. I was very upbeat had W laughing as was I. She does seem to be more "awake". She was very friendly tonight, a big improvement over 4 or 5 months ago. Getting rid of this house might be a step in restoring our R. I've been thinking the last few weeks about how W has treated me the last year and I don't know if I want that person for the rest of my life. She was so cold and mean, Only visited me after surgery 3 times in the months i was healing and quite an invalid. Even had me served D papers after I was home from the hospital two weeks.
Maybe W hearing or seeing I'm dating will awaken her. I won't be using someone to make W jealous, I will be looking for a R, if W wants to revisit our R after I start dating, it will have to be at the conclusion, if there is one, of the R with whom I'm dating at the time.
I do see some signs she might be poking her head into acceptance, she has had more contact with our sons the last 6 weeks than she has had in the last year. She has visited S27 at his house three tines in that period, the last time she was at his house he told me was 9/06. She has called S26 four times , I even took her to the house he is sharing with his friend, and she went back by herself. One thing she had asked me about a couple of weeks ago was "Did the boys hate her for wanting the D, because they don't call her at all". I told her that I told you twice they have given up on you, this is the third time I've told you this, they've called you 9 or 10 times and you have never returned their calls. sShe said something about her caller ID not working, that might have worked on her old phone, but she has a new one now. Besides that has nothing to do with you calling them every once in a while.
GS says he wants to spend the night at Papaws again, I love it!! He said it in front of W too. D wants me to watch him on the 27th. She has to work, her BF ahas to go to rehab classes fro the weekend, he got a dui that was reduced to reckless operation, but has to do the weekend in therapy visit.
Mike
M 51 W 49 S26 S25 D24 D19 Married 27 yrs T over 30 S 7/12 D-bomb 9/26
It seems whenever I get it in my head that it's the right time for a R talk, the timing w/ H seems off. H has been getting closer, true, but in his phone calls on this trip he feels very far away. I'm trying not to analyze it, but it's hard. Maybe he is remembering all the times before when he was travelling and called OW instead of D and me. He sounds tired and distant, but at least he is calling every day. He hasn't said ILY though in a couple of days - this is unusual, and may be a reflection of his pulling back a bit b/c of the bad memories. Yeah, R talk on the back burner seems a good idea for now.
Funny you mentioned a new house. H has been talking a bit about moving, well I guess he's been telling me about houses he's seen for sale. I think we both feel in our hearts that a new house would be good. I rarely go into his office, which is pretty much as he left it over a year ago, papers all over the place, stuff all over the desk. I did pick up everything from the floor so I could vacuum but that's all. I keep wondering when he is going to go in there and go through his stuff, but he hasn't yet, except for the odd time to get something out of his desk. His office was obviously where he emailed and called OW while he was living here. I asked him a couple of weeks ago what he was going to do w/ his desk & he mentioned selling it. So there are lots of old bad memories here, but there are good ones too. Hard to know what's right.
Strange, you would think if your W wants a D fast, why would she be laughing w/ you? I guess none of us wants the S we had before - my H was also very cold and you would be surprised at some of what my H did to me. They don't even see how much they hurt us, we are not even on their radar, except in terms of how we are affecting them. I mean, you could have died and she visited you twice. This is not a rational, normal person. And to think there are C's who don't believe in MLC. I had one who believed my H was had narcissistic personalty disorder, which almost always develops in young adulthood. My H was a kind, loving, generous person who did everything for his family and me up until about 3 years ago.
Anyway, you are the only one who knows if you are ready to date and move on w/ a new R. You are a very strong to be able to say that you would still consider an R w/ your W if she came back to you after a D. I wonder if I could do that, or if there would be too much damage. Even now I wonder if I am strong enough to do this - there just seems to be such a far, far ways to go b/f we are anywhere close to living together again. It makes me really, really sad sometimes.
If nothing else, at least your W is reconnecting w/ Ss, and that can only be good. I couldn't imagine not seeing or speaking to my child for that amount of time. But if she is peeking out of the tunnel, moving out of replay and depression, then who knows. I've been S for over a year (13 mos), while for you it's been 7 mos. Alot can happen in 6 mos. And maybe selling the house is a step in the right direction for the two of you - it seems to be bringing out some good things in your W.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
My S has been since July 07. I look back and see the things she did/way she's treated me and wonder if she is worth it. I guess these feelings go along with detaching. W visited me in the hospital every day but for only a 1/2 to one hour, the kids were their every day and stayed a lot longer than her. I had said something to a common friend the W said I deserve someone better than her, I told the friend I was beginning to think the same way. It got back to W and she got devensive about it. A lot of little things add up, after surgery I went to D24's house, W made dinner but none for me, little things like that. I had to go to D's house tonight to look at D19's car, exhaust pipe broke apart, just removed the bad pipe, we'll have to take it to get a new exhaust. While there W was friendly, I only stayed about 15 min after W got there. when I left I said goodbye to everyone but her, she said bye to me three times.
Maybe coach is onto something, she said before to only stay 1/2 hour and give W compliment on the way out. Now it's stay only 10 minutes and don't acknowledge her. Step forward , get their interest up then withdraw, get them to come towards us. I did see some of the old W, falling asleep while a commotion is going on around her, the tired, sad look on her face, guess she's bouncing back and forth. I asked my sons today what they thought about their dad dating. They both said I deserve happiness, Mom isn't interested in your happiness, find someone who is.
I have talked to two couples who got back together after D'ing. One was D'd for 15 months, I wished I could have gotten the whole story, who left for greener pastures and then realized they were back home.
Next time H brings up houses again, you might bring up the subject of getting a new house to start a new M, see what he says. He might be waiting for that invitation.
Mike
M 51 W 49 S26 S25 D24 D19 Married 27 yrs T over 30 S 7/12 D-bomb 9/26
It must be hard to be a DB coach, hearing all the sad stories and trying to stay encouraging. I'm glad you have one that you believe in and who is giving you advice that seems to be at least getting your W's attention.
I tried to explain MLC to a friend that I had lunch w/ this week, but even I find it hard to understand most of the time. I guess you never really know what it's like unless you've been through it, and even then you probably only know what was going on when you come out. Imagine becoming the worst kind of person you could imagine, and then waking up one day and realizing what you've done to the people you love. Imagine coming to a place where you hate yourself and can't imagine why anyone would want you. Imagine trying to face the insurmountable task of making up for all the damage you've done, and looking at the person you have hurt the most and trying to believe that you could ever make things right enough to have a future with her/him. I have to remind myself of all that is going on that I can't see and that my H can't talk to me about in order to keep from becoming impatient. It's so easy to tell myself that this should be happening faster, and then I remember something that hurt me so much, something I have somehow been able to push out of my memory for awhile and it hits me all over again, how much damage has been done and how much work it will be to repair the hurt.
Yes we need to create a new R, a new M, and perhaps a new home will help in that process. But we can't possibly believe we can leave the past behind without healing the wounds. Staying solution focused is very hard for me and I think it's probably time for me to reread DR, which I have tucked under my mattress (where my journal used to be). Perhaps I can refocus on my goals and what I want to accomplish, concentrate on the positives and be able to really believe that we are "piecing". Somehow I thought that when we got to this stage it would be easy; not so, it's just as confusing as ever, perhaps more so because now I have to ask myself if I truly believe it's possible to do this, if I have it in me. The past few weeks w/ H traveling so much has opened up some old wounds, has brought back some of the fear of the unknown, has made me wonder if I could honestly trust him again with the amount of travel he does for work. I try to push away those feelings since they don't do me any good. But I think if/when he does move back home, that is when I will face my biggest challenge, b/c by letting him move back I will open myself up again and let myself be vulnerable. It's a thought that makes my stomach flip over. I'm pretty sure H knows this too, and why he has been hesitant about bringing up the subject of him moving back. I guess the ball really may be in my court now, as you suggest, to ask him to come back home. I guess it's me who has to show him that I believe in him and in us enough to take that chance.
You have wonderful kids who love you and want you to be happy. Draw strength from that love as I do from my D7. She's so little and yet she has so much wisdom - my MIL says she has an old soul. I used to believe that the LBSs without children have it easier b/c they can simply start over, but now I realize that w/o my D, I'd be pretty lost. She anchors me and reminds me of what is truly important. Thank God for our children, truly sent from heaven to help us find our way through this mess. I don't think I would be here if it weren't for her.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
I never tried to look at MLC from the MLCer point of view. I don't know if W has hit this wall yet. She denies there was an A, but has said I deserve someone who will treat me nicer. Sounds like guilt speaking.
I've told people that MLC is something that they aren't in control of, sort of like a mental condition, how would they feel about me if I gave up on W because she became bipolar or something?
I understand the hurt and trying to put it behind and it pops up again. We'll never forget the pain or the actions that caused it, the trick is to forgive the actions that caused it and the pain will eventually lessen. I think I need to read DR again myself.
My kids are great, but I'm usually home alone with the dog, the only one who still lives at home is D19 and she stays most nights with her sister. W has not felt this loneliness yet, she's living with D24, there's always someone home, D24, D19, D's BF or GS.
If your H does move back you need to set boundaries, he has to become transparent and let you check on anything, e-mails, phone calls etc. You need reassurance that OW is out of the picture for good. I've read when the S commits to the M again and moves back in is when the hard work begins.
Mike
M 51 W 49 S26 S25 D24 D19 Married 27 yrs T over 30 S 7/12 D-bomb 9/26
. Here's my new thread - you were my inspiration for the name!!