I know I myself am really afraid of "pursuing" but he might be looking for signs from you that it's OK to open up. Also, I think we might be going through something similar... we've both put ourselves into a much better place than we were months ago, and then a tiny bit of contact with our WAs totally throws us for a loop and I know I'm thinking, wait, what about all that inner strength and composure I've been cultivating? Even though I had a really positive interaction last week, I was up all night sleepless and crying I think 3 times since then, and have been having a lot of trouble sleeping even when I don't feel weepy. It just kind of sucks to think we've come so far and now there is a whole new stage of actually DEALING with the WA IN PERSON !!! But don't underestimate your strength and capacity to grow! Think about how far you've come. If you have grown and strengthened that much, I am sure that you can grow and strengthen enough to deal with the crazyness of being "friendly" with H! And we are all here to help you do that!
The "guarded" thing hurts so much, but I think they have to put up a huge wall, not b/c they don't care, but because they are feeling so much, they are so overloaded, and this is the only way that they can function/deal with it. I think it is actually a sign that he still really cares about you, otherwise, why would he need to put up his guard?
It sounds like what you want is relief from your situation, and are thinking that getting a D will get you relief. Hm... I am going to support you no matter what you decide, but I really think you haven't tried everything yet, no matter how you may feel! And while in the end a D may bring you relief, I think the process of getting one will put you through massive pain. So... let's see what else we can try first!!!
AFFIRMATION!!! That's GREAT!~!! b/c it is a bit of a challenge to do touch and quality time when you are in little to no contact. Maybe you could focus on affirmation for now! It sounds like his comment about the house falling down was him either putting his foot in his mouth b/c he was nervous OR him looking for reassurance from you that his Manly Skills are still needed and appreciated!!
I hear what you're saying about treating yourself starting to feel empty. B/c money & new things can't meet emotional needs. What GAL activities are you interested in doing that would put you in a new community? Also, are you living a bit far from your family and friends? Do i remember that correctly? Would it be possible for you to go home on the weekend once a month or even more, to tap into the support system that you already have?
In terms of a next step, I'm wondering about sending H another compliment about the work he did on your home. Or -- this might be crazy -- asking him to spend some time with you, something light, neutral, like a cup of coffee. Or, what activity would have a hard time turning down b/c he loves it so much?
Have you read JamesJohn's "coming out of the dark" thread?
((((ESSIE)))
you are doing so well... I am really proud of you!!!
