Supermom and the Brighter Tomorrow

[W2G]

Bully, bully, bully!!!! I hope it comes back to bite him in the a$$!!! (sorry, did I say that with my outside voice?)

You deserve to be treated with the utmost of respect. Incredibly you attempt to treat your H with dignity and respect even though his actions and words are FAR from being any where near deserving of it.

You are a wonderful human being.. a fantastic mother... and you are definitely not being greedy or selfish.. I think what you've proposed is MORE THAN fair... I'm just so sorry to hear that he is being so closed minded and cruel.

(((JennyF)))
W2G

[Startingover2]

Typing with one hand.....

Stand up for your babies.....hang in there

[JennyF]

Thanks Guys...and yes he has been a bully.

But guess what?? I think my poker face won because he called today and wants to come to a compromise now.
I won't go into the whole conversation, but it started about the house and finances and then he asked if I was going to draft a separation agreement with my L. I said no, he was the one who had decided to go to court so he could proceed how he wanted.
Then he starts talking about what he wants and how he feels and blah blah blah. At least was talking though and not just being mean guy.
It is SO apparent to me now that he was just trying to bully me and I called his bluff. So now he wants to look at maybe coming to an agreement between us on the custody and he mentioned being more flexible this time. I said that was all I wanted. But that if he wants to do it this way he can't get up and walk out every time we don't agree. (kind of like our M).
So he said he wants to start it on e-mail, I'm sure he's documenting for his L's sake...fine with me. We do communicate better that way anyway.
And as for the house and the financial stuff I told him to back off and stop rushing. That I would tell him what I'm going to do once the papers are done. He's all bent out of shape because of all the work involved with getting old financial records and all that. WTF did he think was going happen? He really thought we could just do this without all that. Dumbass.

Well that's my quick update. There is so much to tell like when he's coming to get all his stuff for his new place and all the other things we need to discuss before D meets OW, but I'm exhausted and have to go to bed!
J~

[W2G]

Jenny,

Sounds like the tides are turning! I so hope your H will start acting respectful toward you.. you are the mother of his children.. you have years of history together.. I REALLY hope the new attitude stays!

Hugs,
W2G

[JennyF]

Well, things are moving right along.
H is coming tomorrow to pack up his stuff and we're going to try to negotiate the custody AGAIN. He says this time he wants to compromise, we'll see. I'm going to tell him from the start that the only we're going to get through this is if he doesn't get up and walk away the second we don't agree.

He is definitely moving right along with being friendly again. He thinks he's dad of the year because he's got bedding and stuff for the kids at his new place. I find it hard to hear him go on about it and not roll my eyes. But I don't...I've still got that DB sense about me guess.

H called me on Sat afternoon to tell me that OW was going to be meeting D. She and her S9 were coming and they were going to go to the park. I had a little cry when I got off the phone and then I quickly realized that in a way I was glad it was happening. In less than a month my D is going to be living in a house with her part time and she needs to get comfortable with her. It's easier to accept when I realize that the only important thing in this is that my children are transitioned as well as possible through all of this madness and caos that H has created. I KNOW it is wrong and not what is best for my kids, but it is more important that I focus on making it as right as I possibly can with so much out of my control.

So she met her and her S. H said it went well. I haven't ask D about it and she hasn't mentioned it. I'm going to talk to H tomorrow about having a talk with her together to tell her what is happening. Also, I want to talk about my stipulations for her being there. One of them being that NEVER under any circumstances should D or S be left to be babysat by her kids or anyone else that I don't know for that matter. NEVER.
Unfortunately I have my own brutal story as it relates to step siblings and I swore my daughter would never be put in that position. It's my worst nightmare come true as I promised myself I would always be there to protect her. I know H will protect her...it's really my own insecurity. But H knows it too so I hope he's respectful of it.

I've really been able to step back from H and see this sitch for what it is. I still love him very much, but I'm feeling my love switch to the kind of love that is letting him go. I love him enough to let him go and not have any expectations of him. That's how I know this love is real.

I'm sad about him coming tomorrow to pack. I got a little choked up today talking to him about a couple things. I've been really just allowing myself to feel those emotions when they happen. Just feel them, allow them and let it fade.
I read recently something like this....don't add unhappiness to unhappiness. Why be unhappy about being unhappy? Just allow yourself to be unhappy and suddenly your weight is already lighter.
It seems to be working.
J~

[Startingover2]

((((((Jenny))))))

Your strength amazes me.

[smith18]

Jenny -

You are being so very strong. It is probably best to not fight it, but to accept that your kids are not going to be with you all the time. It is so tough, but we cant control our wayward spouses.

I wont have my kids belonging in a blended family like you are since the OM's kids are about the same age as my W. But, if I happen to remarry, it could be that my future W may have children herself and I will learn all about step sibling problems that can occur. It sounds like you have your own experience to draw from in figuring out how to have your kids cope in this situation.

I want to warn you of something that might happen somewhere down the way which I encountered recently. My D5 has been referring to OM as daddy. And she thinks she now has 2 daddies. This is going to hurt you if ever you hear your D say that she has a 2nd mommy. Just realize that kids have weird perception of reality and some of it is fantasy.

I wonder, in the case of you or I happening to remarry someone else in the future, how our ex-spouses will feel when our kids mention to them that they really like our new spouses and think of them as a second parent.

I've really been able to step back from H and see this sitch for what it is. I still love him very much, but I'm feeling my love switch to the kind of love that is letting him go. I love him enough to let him go and not have any expectations of him. That's how I know this love is real.

Very well said. That is how I feel now about my W.

[JennyF]

Well H came over yesterday to pack up some of his stuff. I got a little emotional at one point, but I looked at S and through my tears he was just beaming back at me and laughing. That put a smile on my face and reminded me to stay present.

We discussed custody and it would seem that he is finally agreeing to do this all gradually with the kids. I'm still not budging on the second overnight during the week with D, but I told him we could relook at it at the end of May and see how D is doing.
Now I have to do some soul searching and find out why I am so opposed to this second overnight during the week. I can see the negatives and positives for D...so I have to figure out if I'm opposed to it more for my own reasons. Which is entirely possible given the circumstances...but definitely not the way I want to make decisions. It is about my children and what is best for them...and I believe that having their Dad in their lives is so important. At least I've bought myself more time to get that figured out.
S will have his first overnight with H on April 18th. Then he will have him for Fri & Sat overnight every other weekend starting May 16th. I feel ok about this. It will give me a chance to get his feedings straightened out and I plan to breastfeed until about the end of May. I do not want to continue to breastfeed strictly for custody purposes...those are the wrong reasons. And I'm ok with weaning over the next month and half. S is almost six months now so I feel good about it.

I'm feeling good. Oddly good actually. I'm working through my emotions over the lack of time with my kids which I feel is my biggest obstacle right now. But staying in the moment is what is helping me. If I stay with right now then I'm able to either enjoy the time I am spending with them, or when they're with H I am staying focused to enjoy my 'me' time.
I can't explain how good it feels to be at this place. I still have my moments and I still feel quite vulnerable at times, especially with all of the crazy important decisions I have to make like selling the house and all that stuff. But I'm actually getting excited about a fresh start too. My real estate agent has started sending me listings so that's kind of fun.

Well that's my update!
I have to jump in the shower before S wakes up from his nap!!
J~

[JennyF]

Kerry,

I want to warn you of something that might happen somewhere down the way which I encountered recently. My D5 has been referring to OM as daddy. And she thinks she now has 2 daddies. This is going to hurt you if ever you hear your D say that she has a 2nd mommy. Just realize that kids have weird perception of reality and some of it is fantasy.

I had this discussion with H yesterday that calling her by anything other than her name is unacceptable. And that as S learns to talk....if he says mama it should be corrected. Just like you'd correct it if he called Grandma that. He agreed.
I know there will be confusion. My hope is that is R with OW self destructs before those things happen...but I am aware of the reality of it. I am much closer to my step dad than my dad...but I can probably blame a lot of that on my Dad and his lack of effort. That won't be an issue for my kids.

I wonder, in the case of you or I happening to remarry someone else in the future, how our ex-spouses will feel when our kids mention to them that they really like our new spouses and think of them as a second parent.

I wonder this too. I told H that I want to meet OW and I need to know more about her and her kids. He thinks I should just trust his judgement, I said I would expect him to want the same if I was moving in with someone. He said he would trust me...that kind of bothers me... and I think it's BS. It's easy for him to say that at this point in time...I like you wonder how he will feel when it actually does happen! Especially because that man will be twice the man that he is!!

Thanks for the feedback.
J~

[blindsided1]

You are amazingly strong Jenny. I don't now how you do it. Your kids are going to be just great because they have a wonderful Mom who is doing right by them. I'm glad to see you in a good place. I'm working on it. I picked "the book" back up again last night. I didn't get very far, I was exhausted. But, I plan on reading more at lunch today. Thanks for helping me through and I'll keep checking on you to make sure things are getting better for you, far better.