Dear crs, you can do this! However, it will not be easy for either of you. First, she is wanting you to feel the pain that you caused her. I think after the second time you went back to OW that did something to your W and now it is "payback time". She may or may not feel any emotional dependency with this OM b/c I cannot see how they could have much "fun" if she is doing all of this b/c she is angry with you and wanting to hurt you. A woman's wrath....well, you know what they say about that! So, if she is messing around, really, with this OM but is angry as hell with you.....how could she possibly be much of a lover or friend or anything? If she is having sex with him, I bet she is thinking about you all the time she is doing it.....which OM surely would not like to know that (lol). Plus, when a woman is angry...it shows in everything she does. Also, this thing of her not wanting you to know where she is or answering her phone....that may be just to make you think she is with OM. Have you thought of that? She may not be with him at all. I just can't see her that involved with him or she could care less where you were at all times or who was around you, etc. That tells me she is still in love with her H.
You have first got to win her trust back. I think you know that and are doing all the right things to prove that to her. If you have to do anymore contact with OW by email, text, or whatever, I would suggest that you have your W there with you as you talk or write the messages to OW. That shows her that you are being honest and not keeping secrets. Have witnesses anytime you can. Don't get caught alone if you can help it. By that I mean take a buddy with you whenever you go out. It gives you an alibi, so if anything is ever doubted by her, she can check with your buddy (which, of course, if always a male friend, not a woman----unless she is a relative...an old relative..lol).
The affects of both affairs will hang on for quite some time after the two of you decide to make your M work. It is hard for one of the S not to get obsessed about their mate's OP. It is hard when they have sex not to keep from wondering if the other one is thinking of the A, etc. If they are as good as the OP was. If your sex together is as good as the sex with OP. On and on.....it has to be worked on for a long time. But, it can be done if you two love each other enough.
Keep working hard at DB and you will make it. Hope you will hang on and continue to come here to talk to us. It is good therapy.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
