H just here we had a few words Not the best DBing on my part I asked him to limit s6 video time as s6 sees H visit as an open ticket to play video H said I was CONTROLLING as first i said sorry you fel that way then a few more words came out mostly about kids told him some truths I said D 12 is seeing C tomorrow at her request to talk about this emptiness(abandonment she feels b/c of H leaving)
he thinks I put her up to seeing C b/c I AM CONTROLLING
he said I havent abandoned her, I visit just like other Husbands do(his words) I said you are not like other H..you left Other H come home and live with their kids he said other wives ARENT SO CONTROLLING I said Our kids dont have a real dad-you left I know..i said a lot 2X4 again 2 weeks in a row! and Ive done so well for this year keeping mouth shut its all true and he is in some kind of fantasy he really doesnt think he did anything wrong and its all my fault b/c im controlling anyway, he will be back soon with kids and I wont say anything more but next week I may ask him a few qestions about his thoughts and plans peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hello peace- I don't know but quite a few of us are slacking off on our DBing. I wonder if you felt comfortable to let loose a little with your H because you had a positive reaction from him the last time.
I hate that "controlling" thing that they do. Isn't control a marital issue that can be worked on? Is a control issue really enough to break-up a family over?
Good for you getting your D into see a C. Why can't your H should support it?...GUILT!...but I guess that is obvious.
You will be fine. Just back off now and go back to what you were doing before...How is the praise band and the line dancing? Hope you are feeling better.
Upside Thanks H came back and was quiet and distant..no surprize he gave s6 a bath, put him to sleep and left! oh well..I will try to continue as long as I can with my plan but Im not going to worry about a backslide now and again b/c H needs to hear a little bit of what is really going on in real life people are affected and everything is not picture perfect! and the kids dont really care why he left or that he had a controlling wife
I also will try to not so it constantly In reality, I think it makes no difference they are checked out whether I am a perfect steppford wife or whether I am honest and real I think he shoulf know what D12 said and those were her words Maybe D therapist would like dad to come in for a session????? peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
If he's in a crisis, he may not even comprehend the truth of your words. On top of that, men need to feel respected so we women have to be careful with how we convey something. And when he's feeling the guilt, he will want to lash out at you in anger... Have you heard of the book "Love & Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs?
I think he did take to heart at least some of what you said to him because he took care of S6 before he left.
I like your plan to give him the space to heal. Ask God for strength and the words to use in your interaction with your H. -PH
Im not going to worry about a backslide now and again b/c H needs to hear a little bit of what is really going on in real life people are affected and everything is not picture perfect
I agree. It is healthy and reality. And it is for yourself. You are being real to YOURSELF.
I think D amnd H going to the therapist is a good idea.
he said I havent abandoned her, I visit just like other Husbands do(his words)
So in his mind it's only abandonment if he never visits?
Quote:
D 12 is seeing C tomorrow at her request to talk about this emptiness(abandonment she feels b/c of H leaving)
This is so great that she wants to talk to someone. Even if as her Mom you saw she needed it and sent her, that's just looking out for your D12. It's what parents do. I think it's just to hard for them to admit their actions really cause damage esp to their kids.
Your H sure shows how he doesn't comprehend what he is doing to the kids! Unfortunately, he will not comrehend it even when you point it out to him.
Every once in awhile it is probably good for him to hear, but don't let him bait you into those conversations that let him tell you that you are "controlling". I think it lets them reinforce their distorted beliefs for themselves.
Stick with your plan peace! You'll know when and if it is time for NC. It is something that you have to be ready for in order to do it.
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
I left H a VM today just clearing the air..It felt right D did amazingly well in T as I stayed at her request and she shared from her heart I was so happy for her she has my genes there! and I got to listen to her deepest fears and thoughts about H
i am doing ok went to Therapy as well and she always validates what i am doing(her job) I get clearer about my choice to stand and I still want to but I am also clear that while I want to DB and practice unconditional love for H, I also want to allow for some reality talks when it seems appropriate and I no longer fear H leaving for good I am ready for whatever way it goes My T says she believes it will be my choice although she has no crystal ball and has no way to know what results will be, it still felt good to hear that from Her
MY dream about being in a swamp and then seeing this beautiful clear and almost perfect road sit with me daily I see the road as acceptance and although I am not there, I am closer and it is my goal a soon as I kick this cold, I will try to get on the road and get back to GAL and PMA things that are hard to do when your nose is stuffed inside your head peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
