I know how frustrating it can be that your husband won't go to counseling. OTOH, it does seem that he is willing to work on things in at least a limited way. When your spouse won't go to counseling, there is no reason why you can't work on the kinds of things a counselor would want you to work on if both of you were going to marriage counseling. Divorce busting is built on this principle. People get marriage counseling unilaterally all of the time. The reason to do it is to do whatever you can to work on your side of the relationship. Even if you got him to counseling, he might not participate in exercises in any meaningful way.
The fact is, you told him you were unhappy and the level of affection increased. It's not much, but it's something. At this point you might want to try praising him for his effort. That might feel silly, considering it doesn't seem like much, but when you reinforce progress, he will feel good about meeting your needs. It's a basic behavioral psychological approach. Reward good, ignore bad - or at least create boundaries around the bad behavior. You don't want to nag. That can kill things.
I'm kind of in a similar sitch with my wife. We haven't had sex in years. She has all sorts of body image issues, shame, anxiety, the whole nine yards. Your comment about your H not comfortable being naked rang a bell with me. One thing that has happened recently is that I finally got through to W on how important physical affection is to me. She has really stepped up her efforts in this area and it has meant a lot to me. We have also been giving each other massages as a way to increase the amount of sensual touch between us. I think it is a way to desensitize her to her negative issues, and more importantly, to sensitize her to the joys of physical touch.
Do you think this is something your husband might try? Get a good book on massage, get some oil too. You can get some pretty good massage oil at your local drug store. Start by asking him to give you a massage, but insist on making it mutual. It's only fair. Keep breast and genital touching off the table, at least until he can get comfortable.
The kind of counseling you really need is sex therapy. Good luck getting him to one of those! Still, the things you can learn from a good book on sex therapy might help you take the baby steps you need in order to stay on the road to a happy sex life.
I can feel a relationship talk coming on with my wife. I hate these. The moment I even begin to bring something up she looks like should would like to crawl under a rock. This time, the first thing I'm going to do is thank her for her sincere efforts and how much better it has made our marriage for me. I will ask for a little more. I will listen sympathetically to her fears, then I will give her the space to come to me.
Good luck to both of us,
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Last edited by sgctxok; 04/09/0804:24 PM.
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
