Please help...need MLC advice

[momof2girls]

Hi
Luckily, the only after effects my girls have had are wanting to be with H constantly. I think D6 worries more than usual about when he is coming home.

I need to assure her that Dad is working and will be home later.

OW sounds like a prize! Why do they all have the same characteristics?? If she is not sure if she wants your children involved in her R with your H then she will run for the hills!

My H's OW "forced" (my H did not have a backbone!!)him to file for D and always pressured him about meeting the kids...thankfully he has the sense to keep them out of it. Part of that I think was the fact he didn't really want any part of his children either. I guess the responsibility interfered with his new life.

I would bite my tongue constantly and I did blow up at him a few times...I told him I hoped and prayed that his daughters never met someone like him...I know now, that really bothered him! At the time I meant it.

I never called him and he missed out on some holidays and birthdays...all of which he regrets deeply now. I am a supportive wife but he needs to work through those guilty feelings on his own. I don't rub it in his face...in a way I do feel bad.

H left when our youngest was 9 months old. He missed her first birthday and only spent about 1 hour with her on her first Christmas. I treasure those memories, he will not have them.

Do everything for you and your children and make memories you can cherish! It makes you feel good!

[tpaschal]

[quote=momof2girls]Wish I could get inside his head.

You need to stop this thinking, it is what it is and you are trying to control his desicions/movements and making yourself anxious trying to change his mind.

You are right, and I know this.

I know there is nothing I can do right now to control him. But I do think my actions now will have an impact on the future. IF he ever pulls his head out of his *ss, my actions now will matter then. I just don't want to do anything that would make the possibility of a R harder in the future.

It's not even that I want to get in his head---I want a crystal ball! LOL!

momof2 gave you wonderful advice. The 4nowH and I went to C one last time after he dropped the D word on me, I vented there and he basically said "i'm just here for you, I just want this (M) over with", so basically your H c ould be going just to humor the court and follow orders and say he went.

The court did not order our C, but I do think it's possible he agreed just so he could show me, the judge and the L's that he "tried." I know he probably is going just to prove to me that it's over, but I hope we can at least learn some communication skills from it to be able to co-parent better.

Don't put too much hope into that session, I know you wish something would light up on his brain, but chances are, after all that has happened, it might not happen at C or at all. Trying to keep your feet off the ground, don't mean to be a sti ck in the mud but honey, it's true.

Thanks, Cat. I know you are just trying to keep me grounded. I think that hope and expectations are different. I'm trying not to have any expectations, but I'm not yet ready to give up hope.

[tpaschal]

Momof2,

Glad your girls seem to be doing okay. I think my S9 and D5 would be both distrustful and clingy at the same time if H ever comes home, but D14 is sooo ANGRY. I'm not sure how she would react.

OW sounds like a prize! Why do they all have the same characteristics?? If she is not sure if she wants your children involved in her R with your H then she will run for the hills!

My H's OW "forced" (my H did not have a backbone!!)him to file for D and always pressured him about meeting the kids...

They do seem to have a lot of similarities, at least the young ones. This one also "forced" the D filing. I'm pretty sure she even found the lawyer and made the initial appt. for him! Right now this bimbo is playing the part of the good little woman who can't wait to be a s-mom to his kids, even to the point of making snarky comments to H and to others about how they will take custody if I can't be bothered to take care of my kids. (This comment came about when I had the nerve! to ask H to take S9 to soccer practice. Guess it interfered w/ her plans for the evening. Too bad!)

But the simple fact that he's not had her around them AT ALL raises flags in my mind. It could just be to keep the relationship lower profile until a D is final (except that they are going out in public), but I hope it's also because H still has the sense to recognize that she doesn't really want to be around them, they definitely don't want to be around her, and it will be a disaster if/when bimbo and D14 come face to face.

thankfully he has the sense to keep them out of it. Part of that I think was the fact he didn't really want any part of his children either. I guess the responsibility interfered with his new life.

YES. I definitely think this is another huge part of why my H doesn't have the kids around more, or around the OW at all. It would interfere with his fantasy.

I would bite my tongue constantly and I did blow up at him a few times...I told him I hoped and prayed that his daughters never met someone like him...I know now, that really bothered him! At the time I meant it.

Yep, me too. Several months ago I asked him if that's what he wanted for D14 when she turned 21. I said I couldn't imagine any mother or father wanting this life for their 21 yr. old daughter---to be an adulterous homewrecker living with a married man who has 3 children who will never accept her. Terrible DB'ing, I know.

I never called him and he missed out on some holidays and birthdays...all of which he regrets deeply now. I am a supportive wife but he needs to work through those guilty feelings on his own. I don't rub it in his face...in a way I do feel bad.

H left when our youngest was 9 months old. He missed her first birthday and only spent about 1 hour with her on her first Christmas. I treasure those memories, he will not have them.

Do everything for you and your children and make memories you can cherish! It makes you feel good!

Sad that they miss out on so much. I would think that more than anything would wake them up, but like we both realize(d)---thinking too much about the kids spoils the fantasy. And for now it seems my H is not ready to give up the fantasy.

[momof2girls]

How did the counseling session go?

[tpaschal]

How did the counseling session go?

Not well. About like I expected. Hmm...knew not to have positive expectations, but couldn't help having the negative ones.

He was basically there to talk about the kids and how to help them, and to reiterate over and over and over again that there was no hope for our marriage, he didn't love me, he couldn't even remember when he last loved me, that he had moved on, and maybe the counselor could help me move on, too.

And he LIED a lot. Trying to make himself seem like Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. I Know What I've Done is Wrong but It's For the Best, Mr. I've Got It All Together.

Rewriting history to the point of absurdity.

Will post more later. Got to pick D14 up from school.

[tpaschal]

So, I think the only positive result of the counseling session was that H agreed to keep going, at least for a little while, in order to help the kids understand and get through this.

I suggested some joint sessions and some private sessions, and he said okay. I know he's going to freak about the cost at some point, though. We have a pretty high insurance deductible.

I couldn't believe how many lies he told. And I wonder---are they purposeful lies crafted to further his own agenda? Lies made to justify his behavior? To get the C "on his side?" To try to prove to me and to the C that leaving behind his M and children was the correct course of action? To prove that he's healthy, well-adjusted, a better dad, and happy with his choices?

Or, does he really believe the lies he's telling? Is he convinced that his version of history regarding our relationship, his actions, things he's said---is real? In other words, is he crazy? Some of the things he said were so far from the truth that if he really believes them, he IS crazy.

I knew he wasn't ready to come out of the tunnel, but.....wow. I didn't know he was going to be digging himself deeper and deeper in.

[tpaschal]

So, now I have a question about NC. I've been fairly dim, only contacting him about kids or bills, and even then I've not been going out of my way to make contact---trying to save up issues for when he's going to be over for the kids anyway. And I've gotten to where I text him instead of calling, because he doesn't seem to want to talk to me and often lets the phone go to voice mail if I call.

But I've been pretty laid-back about visitation schedule, etc. Letting him come hang out at the house with the kids on Thursday afternoons instead of taking them to his apt. or somewhere else. Letting him bring the kids home early on Sunday evenings, etc.

I've been trying to be accommodating instead of firm, because he uses that to say I'm being b*tchy. I also was using it as a 180, because I was very controlling in the past. I was hoping that being dim but friendly would make him feel less pressured and more drawn toward home. Doesn't seem to have helped. He's still digging further and further into his tunnel.

Also have not allowed my attorney to get aggressive. (It's more expensive to go that route, anwyay.)

So, now what? What can/should I do differently? Any suggestions?

[momof2girls]

First off, I am sure you did very well today, congrats for biting your tongue when he started to lie.

He believes his lies...it is his justification for doing what he is doing.

I would only talk to him if you have to, regarding kids only. As far as his visitation with them...well, if you feel like he should take them out of the house then tell him that. You are making things extremely easy, he doesn't have to worry about displacing OW if he stays at your house to visit.

your L is working for you and you need to make sure that you and your children are protected financially. If your H is visiting the kids on a schedule you both agree upon, and you are being financially supported, then I would not do anything but try to ignore (NC) him as much as possible.

At this point anything you do or don't do is not going to change the course of whatever is going to happen. Who really cares if he thinks you are being b*tchy!! In the long run it really doesn't matter.

My H thought I was a B*tch because I stood my ground and he didn't get everything he wanted all the time. He would think nothing of calling 1 hour before picking up the girls with some bogus excuse about why he couldn't come...I finally got so sick of it, I told him if he didn't show up by such and such a time I would bring the girls to him.

H never tested me on this because he knows I am all about follow through. He would get angry, but Oh Well...

Does your H see you as someone who follows through or just threatens?? You may want to do a 180 and stick to exactly what you say. Of course that means you need to think out your responses first. H will know you mean business.

I think continuing the C sessions is good. Keep the focus on the kids if things get ugly and he starts to lie.

Do you feel better that the first session is out of the way?

[tpaschal]

I am in such turmoil right now. I have tried to detach over the past year, but I haven't, really. I was holding on to hope so hard that I am stuck. Don't know what to do. Don't know where to turn.

My MIL has been so sure over the past year that he would come back. She was convinced that the man he was could not do this---leave his wife and children for a ho forever. She and my FIL are devastated at H's actions and are a big support for me and the kids, though we do butt heads often on the WAY to do things.

But MIL is also a realist. She has seen her son do some terrible things over the past few months, and after hearing about yesterday's counseling session, she gave me a couple of 2x4's this morning.

She told me it was time to let him go. To move on with my life. To stop sitting and waiting and hoping.

I have been trying to GAL, made new friends, tried new things, but also tried to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. I wanted to delay a D as long as possible in part to keep them in their home and in the lifestyle they've always known. Maybe that wasn't wise.

I've also been way to focused on how H would react to everything. It's hard to give up all my dreams. It's hard to give up the life that he had promised, the life that we built together. How do I do that?

[tpaschal]

Got a rather nasty surprise today. I called my L's office to tell them the result of me asking yesterday for H to pay some of the bills that piled up over the last 4-5 months (before temp. orders) when he wasn't giving us enough to live on. Said that H told me he didn't have any more money and wasn't going to pay them, and I'd better find a way to make the money he gives me stretch.

Even if I can find a way to cut and cut and cut costs to be able to pay back these bills a pittance at a time, there's no way I can bring my L bill current right now, so told them to go ahead and file the motion they had prepared to ask for interim attorney's fees. But the paralegal told me that if judge doesn't agree, L is saying he's going to withdraw from the case!

I am so angry. He said something along those lines a couple of weeks ago (that he couldn't work for free) and I told him that he knew from day one this was not a big money case, that even though H is a doctor, he's not a specialist and doesn't make huge money, and the only assets we had were our house, our two cars, and H's practice (which is a small private practice with no real hard assets.) Told L he knew from Day 1 that I was a stay at home mom with no rich family and no access to money except from H. Said that when we counterfiled (for adultery and cruel treatment) back in August, that part of the filing was a request for H to be responsible for L fees. Said that I assumed that meant that the judge would determine at the final settlement who was responsible for what. L never told me that I would have to come up with thousands of dollars in the meantime!

I am so p.o.'d.