Hi girlfromip, Your comment about some of the goal-setting being more like hope-setting is brilliant. I agree. How can you set a goal that is dependent on someone else's doing something you have no control over? I thought DB was about controlling what you can and not what you can't.
For me a realistic goal would be something like "I want to listen to H talk about his plans for separating without crying and shouting and telling him he's crazy."
I'm so glad I'm not the only one thinking that way! To be honest, the whole concept of DB goal setting is causing me to doubt the entire technique a tiny bit... but I shall persevere.
Hi girl! Thanks for visiting my thread! I just read your story and about your blaming yourself and you seem to be letting your H off the hook for his EA. That is something I have also been doing and can see clearly in your case that isn't fair to you. (Why is it easier to see in someone else's sitch than your own I wonder!!) Your H is responsible for that--if he was unhappy he should have communicated with you, sought counseling or marriage counseling or something that was positive, not something very negative like an EA. I believe my H started an EA with his coworker about a year or so ago b/c he started treating me horribly then and when I became totally depressed about life and my marriage then it eventually turned into a PA which I think happens probably often. Our Hs are responsible for their affairs and they should feel guilty about that!!!
I agree with love about the goal-setting. I don't like to focus on anything my H does because I think he's in a MLC fog and that is probably a waste of time right now. So since in the past few years I was weak, dependent on my H, and unhappy I've been focused more on trying to make myself happy and totally independent from H. I have not let fear stop me from doing anything I want to do which is something I used to do. That's made me into a stronger person I think. Karen
Karen