That sounds like a good start for a goal. How about asking for the book back.. and phrasing it in an "I" statement? Could be good practice for communication!
Hi girlfromip, Your comment about some of the goal-setting being more like hope-setting is brilliant. I agree. How can you set a goal that is dependent on someone else's doing something you have no control over? I thought DB was about controlling what you can and not what you can't.
For me a realistic goal would be something like "I want to listen to H talk about his plans for separating without crying and shouting and telling him he's crazy."
The unrealistic version of this is: "I want H to stop talking about separating." Of course that's what I WANT, but how can I control what comes out of his mouth or what his thoughts are?
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Hi girlfromip, Your comment about some of the goal-setting being more like hope-setting is brilliant. I agree. How can you set a goal that is dependent on someone else's doing something you have no control over? I thought DB was about controlling what you can and not what you can't.
For me a realistic goal would be something like "I want to listen to H talk about his plans for separating without crying and shouting and telling him he's crazy."
The unrealistic version of this is: "I want H to stop talking about separating." Of course that's what I WANT, but how can I control what comes out of his mouth or what his thoughts are?
I'm so glad I'm not the only one thinking that way! To be honest, the whole concept of DB goal setting is causing me to doubt the entire technique a tiny bit... but I shall persevere.
Thanks for stopping by, lovemyguy.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I really want to see, "Why Did I Get Married" but didn't want to tell him so I asked him to pick up "Super Bad".
I liked "Why Did I Get Married" quite a lot. "Super Bad" - well the name says it for me.
I'm pretty sure I learned about Why Did I Get Married from reading your thread, KK. Haven't watched Super Bad yet, but I'm not known for my uber-sophisticated taste in movies... so I'm sure I'll like it. I LOVED the show, Arrested Development, and the kid in the movie was in that show.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Hi girlfromip, Your comment about some of the goal-setting being more like hope-setting is brilliant. I agree. How can you set a goal that is dependent on someone else's doing something you have no control over? I thought DB was about controlling what you can and not what you can't.
For me a realistic goal would be something like "I want to listen to H talk about his plans for separating without crying and shouting and telling him he's crazy."
I'm so glad I'm not the only one thinking that way! To be honest, the whole concept of DB goal setting is causing me to doubt the entire technique a tiny bit... but I shall persevere.
Hi girl! Thanks for visiting my thread! I just read your story and about your blaming yourself and you seem to be letting your H off the hook for his EA. That is something I have also been doing and can see clearly in your case that isn't fair to you. (Why is it easier to see in someone else's sitch than your own I wonder!!) Your H is responsible for that--if he was unhappy he should have communicated with you, sought counseling or marriage counseling or something that was positive, not something very negative like an EA. I believe my H started an EA with his coworker about a year or so ago b/c he started treating me horribly then and when I became totally depressed about life and my marriage then it eventually turned into a PA which I think happens probably often. Our Hs are responsible for their affairs and they should feel guilty about that!!!
I agree with love about the goal-setting. I don't like to focus on anything my H does because I think he's in a MLC fog and that is probably a waste of time right now. So since in the past few years I was weak, dependent on my H, and unhappy I've been focused more on trying to make myself happy and totally independent from H. I have not let fear stop me from doing anything I want to do which is something I used to do. That's made me into a stronger person I think. Karen
I agree, my H should have talked to me about his concerns. His excuse is he was worried him talking to me would spur on my (PAST and CONTROLLED) depression. Well, that's a chance he should have taken. Nothing I can do to change what is. I can only change me.
I already feel much stronger and more confident than I did a few months ago. I have lots of goals for myself, too (no hope-setting though!).
Thanks for your support, Karen. I'll be thinking of you and checking in with your sitch. Stay strong and keep doing what you're doing.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I was in the bathroom getting ready for work this morning when my husband knocked... lets just say we enjoyed each other. It was probably more of a need fulfillment than motivated by love, but a girl's got needs too. I really, really, really miss that part of our M. I wish I felt comfortable and secure enough in our relationship to initiate again. I'm just so uncomfortable with rejection from him.
I spoke to my IC this week and he encouraged me to talk to H about his incorrect assumptions made when we were overseas. H's behavior towards me did change dramatically after the baby threw up on me and I kept my distance because I was sick. Maybe he really does believe that I hate kids and his incorrect assumptions helped him drive the proverbial nail in the coffin of our marriage? I just don't think I want to initiate a talk with him. I'd really love it if he would talk to me first for a change.
I've been working on some additional goals to attain. These are more for ME than my marriage, because I'm really not sure how I can set goals that aren't directly related to my actions.
New Goals: 1. If H wants to discuss things with me, I'll remain open and REALLY listen before I respond 2. Be more consistent with weight training: 3 x's per week 2a. Sub goal: lean out my legs/backside 3. Attend Bikram yoga class at least once per month 4. Drink more water and less coffee 5. Organize my closet 6. Treat myself to at least one new outfit/pair of shoes per month 7. Brainstorm new GAL activities 8. Make some new friends that aren't work-related/tied into my M 9. Vacuum my car once per week
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
My emotions are riding a rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel so much love for my husband I think my heart will explode. Other times I feel like the longer things remain as is, my heart will forget how to love him.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
You are dangling on a wire, swinging on the breeze of your husband's approval. Everything he does determines how you feel. This is love, everything revolves around him.
Scenario Two
You're standing on sand by the sea and your husband's actions mimic that of waves. Sometimes they lap, tickling your toes. Other times they smash and engulf you in their power. This is love, you never waver from your devotion, regardless of his actions.
Scenario Three
You're on your love log, saving a space for the one closest to your heart. Your smile fills a room and you let your joy flow, entrancing many, respecting and respected. This is love, you are grounded.
Karen