They say love is a decision not a feeling, and I truly didn't understand that completely until now. I have to DECIDE to love my husband EVERY day. I have to tell you, it's NOT easy!
Loving the unloveable...
So what are the qualities that he has that makes you want to love him? What about you for him?
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Well, I posted this in Marcum's thread, but I guess it's a mini-update... H hasn't moved back home. We haven't gone to MC, or anything. He came over the day before Sat, and was a complete ass to me in front of my family. Then, got mad and decided not to spend Easter with us at his g'mas house. Guess who he's hurting...not me, he's hurting his kids. He pulled this at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now Easter. I should have known. Then, he comes over all sweet on Mon., gets action from me, and then leaves...nice.
I'm pretty much pissed at this point, and trying to avoid him before I regret all the things I have to say to him.
And I've thought about the questions re what qualities he has that makes me WANT to love him...I'm drawing a blank here. I don't WANT to love him...he's not loveable. Now, the simple fact that I made vows to him, and have told him I will love him forever...that's got to count for something, right? But, when this person makes themselves IMPOSSIBLE to love, what then?? Do I endure what I would consider emotional abuse because I've made vows?
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
no you endure because you want to period. if he is realy beyond the point were your heart acks because you miss him... you may have found your limit. i hope i dont get jumped for saying that but lawdey B all i know about you is what you type, but you seem to be a cvery careing person who wants her M to work. if your H does not see that well then mabey its time for the LRT. go dark and let him persue you. mabey im wrong and i hope other more knowledgeable people resond to this.
you vows included him loving you as Christ loved his church, enough to give his life for her. Ummm, I don't see this happening, your kids are getting hurt, he's jerking you around (by sleeping with him you are letting him) and now you are wondering if there is something wrong with this picture?
He seems to be the same abusive jerk as always, nothing has improved, things seem to be working out just fine for him: he sees his kids when he wants to, comes over when he feels like it to get some benefits, why would he change?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
He told me last night that he needs a for sure answer whether or not I am willing to work on things with him. Very fair that he would ask that...but I still don't know. The past couple weeks, he has been downright cruel to me. He isn't the man I married, and hasn't been in a long time. Do I want him back? Hell NO! I want the man I married back! Is he in there? Maybe...but how long do I spend looking for him?
And the sex part...that's the ONE thing we've always done well at. It's the ONE time when we don't argue, and try to please the other person. We are active and healthy in this area. This area ONLY... That's why I keep it up.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
"Do I endure what I would consider emotional abuse because I've made vows?"
Hi there Ms. Ladybug. If you feel you are enduring emotional abuse, let me assure you that you are dealing with a different ball of wax here. Marriage counseling does not work for situations where one person is an abuser. In fact, if you do not have a therapist trained in abuse, then therapy can make the marriage even worse. In fact I drove myself crazy with the DB book, only to have my therapist (who is very pro Michele W.D.) that the book won't apply to my situation.
MC is for people with mutual issues. Your H is the problem. He has an abusive mentality. Abuse is not because of poor relationship dynamics, it's because of the abusers core values of entitlement and justification.
What I suggest to you is to start reading some different books. Here are some eye openers:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans
The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Mfcc Engel
Then only you can decide if it is indeed emotional abuse. If it is, then you have to listen to what the experts say on it. You cannot get him to change. You are the least likely person.
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Work on our marriage?? Umm, I filed for divorce last week. HE didn't want to work on our marriage until I filed!! NOW, he's saying he's willing to do ANYTHING to save our marriage. INCLUDING, going back to church with me, going to MC with me, and of course, no more calling ex-gf's.
Yeah mine did the same things. When abusers know you are slipping away they'll do every tactic to get you back in their control. Learn the tactics and protect your sanity.
He told me last night that he needs a for sure answer whether or not I am willing to work on things with him. Very fair that he would ask that...but I still don't know.
So the answer he's expecting is Yes-and-i-will-bow-to-your-every-wish? no wonder you dont' know. Have you made a MC appt and told him it is ready, lets go? has he gone to church with you? This sitch seems to be going in circles, with him trying to yank an answer out of you which accepts him emotional abuse and all.
I read your thread on Marcum's one about your car, yikes! talk about a control freak, I dont' think I micromanage my 9yr old that way about his room.
Sienna sounds like she really knows what she's talking about and is on the money, hope you admit he is emotionally abusive, dont' you see yourself in Marcum? too afraid to stand up to his abuse and continue to let him walk over you just so he wont' leave you permanently?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I asked him to show me that I want to work on this. He said he's not going to kiss my ass. I told him that's not what I'm asking for, I'm simply asking for niceness. I also told him that I will not be moving to Tennessee, and it's not open for discussion at this time. I then told him that I won't be disrespected. I will not have a phone conv with him that involves him telling me to "shut the f*** up". If he talks to me that way, the conv is over and I will hang up. I said simply that husbands do not talk to their wives that way. He got angry, hung up, and I haven't heard from him since. That was what Tues night? I feel like I'm standing up for myself a bit more now. I realize that I am worth more. If only he'd see it to.
OK, I'm off to Amazon to buy the book Sienna suggested...
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Well Sienna, thanks for suggesting those books. I went on Amazon and bought Why Does He Do That and the Verbally Abusive Relationship. I bought them used/new condition and it was less than $6 for both. I hope that I can interpret what is really going on here. We had a street fair here to celebrate the rodeo that's coming next weekend. I took the kids and halfway through h calls and asks if the fair is tomorrow too since he's off work. So, when I called him tonight I asked if he wanted to go tomorrow. He said "What's the point. You didn't even include me or wait to go tomorrow. You already went so there's no point in going again. I just wish you'd include me." What I don't get is why wouldn't he jump at the chance to see his kids? He's never offered to take them for an evening since we split. He's had them a couple times when I asked him to if I had someplace to go, and even then, it's his parents taking care of them. The kids had a blast today, and would probably love to go again tomorrow, but he's being pouty because we already went.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Let me know what you think about the books. You can PM me if you want. I don't normally frequent this board any more, but I'll look for your posts. Michelle's principles just don't work for abuse situations, and she states that in the beginning of her DB book. The problem is many people don't KNOW they are in abusive situations. They say, "Well he doesn't hit me and he is good to the kids, etc." That is the scary part. I had two therapists telling me it was emotional abuse, but I just couldn't believe it. I was still in denial. It took about 4 books to confirm it; Lundy's being the biggest eye opener.
I had to read them while he was in the shower or on my lunch break. I hid the books in my sweater drawer. All heck would have broken loose if he found them. I think he knew I was reading something as my attitude was changing, and would claim, "You don't even have an opinion of your own - everything you say it something someone shoves down your throat to believe!"
(regarding the rodeo: I think he was just guilt tripping you. Emotional Blackmail. He may have wanted to go to the rodeo, but once he learned you were already there he used it against you to feel badly for him and think "Aw he does want to do family things! I should take him back!" That's my interpretation.)
