A new chapter - do I belong here?

[MuddleThrough]

However, from the logical POV, (you know, all those books we read), there are no promises that a M will ever reach that 100% that you are talking about.

I guess I didn't quite articulate this properly. I'm not interested in promises that our M will be perfect, idealic, etc., I'm interested in being invested in a M where both partners are growing towards the same goals of a functional and satisfying R. As for the distribution of the work, not all work can be quantified in the same way, and as long as there's committment from both sides (honest personal committment, not just a promise to another), then there's work being done in the direction of progress.

I remember thinking that my grandparents, who were married longer than 65 years, were in that catagory where she did all the work b/c I saw very little that he did. However, I didn't see what went on behind closed doors. In the world we live in today, we probably would not have endured some of the aggrivation that she did. But, they loved each other a lot and she was lost without him when he died.

We seldom are able to truly see a R for what it means to others no matter how much we see. The same is true for each participant in a M. The meaning of the M to my W, her experience, that's hers alone. I can never truly understand it, nor can family or friends or doctors, etc. Somehow integrating this meaning and experience with overall life goals and those of one's partner enrich and enhance our lives to the point where total devestation can result from the death of a spouse - moreso than that of any other relation.

I don't think you are going to get that 100% assurance that you ae wanting before you roll up your sleeves and get to work with the mind set that you are going to give it your all. Remember, I know where you are coming from, but we just don't get those guarantees in life.

Again, I tried to make this point myself. I know that unless I give it my all that when I step back to evaluate my perspective will be clouded by my own lacking.

I felt like I was the one doing all the work for so many years. Then I hear my H saying that he has tried everything he knew to do and nothing seem to make me happy! I was never so shocked in my life. I hadn't seen him do anything I considered working on our MR. So perhaps it is in the eye of the beholder.

Doesn't this blow your mind!?! When my W said she tried, I had to really think about it. I wanted to discount it immediately. I did in fact tell her that if she had really tried it would have had to be done in such and such way. The fact is that she did under the conditions as they were. Not really productive efforts, but effort none the less. I suppose this is exactly why communication is so critical. We can each set up our own experiments to guage the efforts of another, but unless we define the parameters of this test together, we come up with nothing but lopsided judgments.