Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE I'm inspired

This makes absolutely no sense to me at all, and I wish the moderators would better explain their position. Who, exactly, is being HELPED by this policy?

Puppy

Thanks doll... I am hoping too..... I can find my way from the inside out actually too.
I am trying not to try anymore... I need to just do it *( HIM ) and not to steal this thread but my H will be home soon ... so I am going to have to do a lot less talk and a lot more action......

God bless... ~Ali

Hair dog~.....

Well I am not sure if you meant what you said for me or not, but it is too late to edit my post.
I was at work on a break and wanted to read this thread.



I think this is brilliant, and you can look at this statement and I believe it will help you sooo much in your M.

You ~ALONE obviously cannot fix your "broken " Sexual Connection. But at least with this awareness you can begin to heal yourself. I see this pattern in my M and sex life with my H.

When we are not Happy we project a lot of "stuff"... and our H's take it personal.
I have not had time to read your sitch over yet,,, but I think if you can really work on you and make this the staring point it will help tremendously.

All my best to you and you are getting some really great advice here... I am so glad you took the risk to post and are taking the challenge to make yourself a better Human Being~!
One question for you if you dont mind my asking....
Are you living with your H in the moment or are you carrying a lot of hurt around and focusing on that?
God bless,,,

Hi, Tired,

I know how frustrating it can be that your husband won't go to counseling. OTOH, it does seem that he is willing to work on things in at least a limited way. When your spouse won't go to counseling, there is no reason why you can't work on the kinds of things a counselor would want you to work on if both of you were going to marriage counseling. Divorce busting is built on this principle. People get marriage counseling unilaterally all of the time. The reason to do it is to do whatever you can to work on your side of the relationship. Even if you got him to counseling, he might not participate in exercises in any meaningful way.

The fact is, you told him you were unhappy and the level of affection increased. It's not much, but it's something. At this point you might want to try praising him for his effort. That might feel silly, considering it doesn't seem like much, but when you reinforce progress, he will feel good about meeting your needs. It's a basic behavioral psychological approach. Reward good, ignore bad - or at least create boundaries around the bad behavior. You don't want to nag. That can kill things.

I'm kind of in a similar sitch with my wife. We haven't had sex in years. She has all sorts of body image issues, shame, anxiety, the whole nine yards. Your comment about your H not comfortable being naked rang a bell with me. One thing that has happened recently is that I finally got through to W on how important physical affection is to me. She has really stepped up her efforts in this area and it has meant a lot to me. We have also been giving each other massages as a way to increase the amount of sensual touch between us. I think it is a way to desensitize her to her negative issues, and more importantly, to sensitize her to the joys of physical touch.

Do you think this is something your husband might try? Get a good book on massage, get some oil too. You can get some pretty good massage oil at your local drug store. Start by asking him to give you a massage, but insist on making it mutual. It's only fair. Keep breast and genital touching off the table, at least until he can get comfortable.

The kind of counseling you really need is sex therapy. Good luck getting him to one of those! Still, the things you can learn from a good book on sex therapy might help you take the baby steps you need in order to stay on the road to a happy sex life.

I can feel a relationship talk coming on with my wife. I hate these. The moment I even begin to bring something up she looks like should would like to crawl under a rock. This time, the first thing I'm going to do is thank her for her sincere efforts and how much better it has made our marriage for me. I will ask for a little more. I will listen sympathetically to her fears, then I will give her the space to come to me.

Good luck to both of us,


[url=http://EDITED--ADVERTISING NOT ALLOWED/phpBB3/index.php]SolidMechanic[/url]

Wow - I turn my back for a few hours and my thread blew up! lol!

Thanks Hairdog for posting, again. I appreciate it!
Alimari - my whole story is posted on page 1. Yes, my H and I are still together. I've been at this for quite some time and feel that this is really the main issue in our M. Other issues arose because of my H's affair, but we are finally back at where we were pre-A and are primed to really begin working.

Solid Mechanic - thanks for the many reminders!

I don't do enough of this. I read somewhere once that in order to maintain good behavior (in a child) you must praise 4 times to 1 criticism. In order to change behavior (in a child) you must praise 8 times to 1 criticism. That's in a child who is still forming ideals - in an adult it is exponentially more. I really don't praise enough. I'm going to have to sneak in a few of those. Because truth be told, I am appreciative of the changes in him. It gives me hope and it great pleasure. My H needs to hear that!

Neither my H nor I really like massages. But I get what you are saying and I may be able to apply this principle elsewhere. I will not be able to get him into a message though.


this is a good idea, too. I should look up some info on this. I think it would be a good place to start - at least I'll have an idea of the steps to fix this.

Thanks for the insight!!

I too don't really like the R talks. I find that I'm much better now than ever before. I spend a LOT of time listening and little time speaking. And I try my hardest to refrain from judging him. I just try to imagine my H as a good friend, rather than a spouse. It helps.

Good luck SolidMechanic!