I smiled as I read it b/c I think my H and I would both put different interpretations on our sitch. He would definately say he was a WAH. Based on your definition I would say he was MLC WAH b/c although it has slowed down he has checked in a lot over the last two years to spew. Now it's generally just about a D. I'm sure in his own mind he wants a D but he is so sporadic about when and how he conveys this to me that I'm sure that OW is pushing most of the buttons. He has never told me that he has made a mistake or that he doesn't know what he wants so he is quite different to some H/Ws here. However he is still very much in the mode of hoping that I will be the one to file so that he doesn't have to do the hard work.
You have given me something to think about at least. I have seen no returns for my efforts of DBing which is why I am so frustated but maybe I'm just going to be one of those cases for whom there will never be an amicable resolution.
I wish you and your W continued happiness.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Well this week has been different . After our chat last weekend (about helping to free up some of my time so that I have time for fun) S15 has actually tried to do just that . I joked with him yesterday that he has become a wonderful little 'house-husband'. (actually not so much little as he is taller than me ). It has made so much difference to come home to less mess. The dishes being loaded on top of the dishwasher instead of in it always makes me angry but this week there has been none of that. I nearly crashed my car with the shock of seeing the washing hanging out when I came home from work on Thursday. Needless to say S15 will get his reward he has been working so hard towards. He hasn't been perfect b/c he still hasn't been coming in on time at night but I feel I have to show him that I appreciate the efforts he has been making.
D12 has always had the propensity to make me cry as deep down she is the most caring of my children. However, recently she has been a typical 'teenage witch' and I have struggled to handle that. However handled it I have and although I say it myself I have handled it far better than when D17 was at this point in her life. Before I shouted back in frustration now where possible I just refuse to engage in the shouting match or walk away. Those of you who are fellow Arians will know how very hard that is
Yesterday we had yet another incident about clothes. D12 has a wardrobe full of them! She gave away all the hand-me-downs from her sister about a month ago and she still has a wardrobe full! However in her eyes she has no clothes (sound familiar to anyone?). She had sorted out all the clothes she no longer wanted and had put them on her bed so that I could see how dire her need was! I surprised her by telling her to write a list of the most urgent need and I would take her shopping this weekend (the fact that we did the very same last week is neither here nor there at this point!) I carefully explained the miniscule difference between need and want The list was looooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg. It included clothes that she wants for her trip with school in July! I asked why she needed two bikinis in April (and believe me it is a very cold April). Typically, for a teenager, she said if we didn't buy them now all the best ones would be gone by the time she did actually need them. I have to say I can't knock her for trying. A few tears were shed, with D12 saying how she felt less confident in clothes she didn't like (that really tugged at the heart strings b/c I have that feeling myself on a regular basis. I was honest and told her this). She had a tantrum and after giving her a hug and telling her I loved her I let her get on with it and went off to work.
When I got back she was in a much better mood so I was pleased about that. At midnight last night she knocked on my bedroom door. I was reading so was awake. She came in and gave me a note and asked me to read it. I have typed it out below:
' Mum I have come to realise just how badly I treat you when all you try to do is right by me. Lately I have come to a stage where I am always very moody, mainly because I am so confused about the way I feel. Sometimes I feel happy others sad for just no reason. I think this is because over the last few years all the stress from dad leaving has just built up but I seem to be taking that stress out on you and I am truely sorry for that and shall try to stop snapping. I love you D12xxx'
As I'm sure all of you who are parents will realise my reaction was 'Wow!' followed of course by the tears! I went into her room and gave her the biggest hug I could and told her how much I loved her. As it was so late it wasn't appropriate to sit and talk about how she felt but obviously we will do that as soon as she is ready.
If you got this far thank you. It was long I know but important for me that I recognise for myself the changes my children are trying to make to help both themselves and an unhappy situation that much more bearable.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
My D11 dropped off a little note under my pillow a couple of weeks ago telling me how much she loves me and how sorry she was for arguing with me. It really made my day - week - month! I know how meaningful it is.
Love, N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Alison! You had me in tears. I have a D15 so know how rare these little events are becoming, and how precious.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I took S15 to the disused airfield where you can pay to let your kids drive your car on private land. It means they can get a bit of practice before they reach the age of being old enough for a licence. For a first time he did well. We both enjoyed it but we were both exhausted afterwards!
Last night H brought S15 home (he went there for his tea). He came in to see the girls but only D12 was in. He only came as far as the hall and stayed long enough to say hello and goodbye to D12. I stayed in the lounge and he neither said hello or goodbye to me.
After he left S15 came in and said 'Didn't you want to see Dad?' I said I did but it was clear that H didn't want to see me and that was why I had stayed in the lounge. After he went to his bedroom I suddenly thought that perhaps S15 had encouraged his dad to come in so that I could see him. So I called him down again to ask him if this was the case. He said it wasn't, it just that H wanted to see the girls. I said that's ok then I just didn't want you to think that if you had engineered your dad coming in to see me that your efforts had been wasted. He thanked me for the consideration.
This morning MIL came to visit. She comes about once a month now. Gradually she is decreasing her visits but to be honest that is fine. She no longer treats me like a daughter so I no longer expect to see her. Anyway whilst she was here D12 asked if she could ring her dad. I said yes of course she could. She wanted to ring him to ask if she could borrow his two tents for her birthday in May. She wants me to take her and few friedns camping for the weekend to celebrate. It will actually be quite expensive for me to do that but I didn't say anything b/c deep down I knew H would say no to her borrowing the tents. Anyway she phoned him and asked him. He umed and aahed. He said don't you think you and your friends are a little young to be going camping by yourselves? D12 said we won't be by ourselves Mum will be with us. He immediately said in that case no you cannot borrow the tents. They aren't just mine! D12 pointed out how petty that was being and accused him of spoiling her birthday. He said he wasn't, they argued the toss for a few mins and then she hung up.
Our phone is in the hallway and so MIL and I had no choice but to overhear all of this. MIL asked what had happened when she heard D12 slam the phone down and I gave her the gist of the convo. I didn't say anything bad about H I just said that everytime D12 asks H for anything he always says no. I told her how the girls think H is only interested in S15. Before she had chance to say anything I said I knew how hard it was for H b/c the girls don't want to see OW but did say that I thought he should make more effort. She agreed it was difficult but didn't comment on the rest! It was a difficult convo for both of us and so I said 'Well this is his choice, we have no say in the matter so we just have to get on with life'. She mumbled an agreeance and then I changed the convo. It remains to be seen if she says anything to H about this. I doubt it as she has always been a conflict avoider.
MIL also said she might not come to D17s 18th birthday in a couple of weeks as it is fancy dress and she didn't want to feel out of placa. I pointed out to her that the fancy dress was optional and said I didn't think my parents would be wearing fancy dress (although I'm not entirely sure). She said she would think again. I can't believe a grandmother would not attend her eldest granchild's birthday party purely on whether she will feel left out or not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's bad enough that D17 still doesn't know whether H will condesend to attend.
Vent and rant over
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
MIL also said she might not come to D17s 18th birthday in a couple of weeks as it is fancy dress and she didn't want to feel out of placa. I pointed out to her that the fancy dress was optional and said I didn't think my parents would be wearing fancy dress (although I'm not entirely sure). She said she would think again. I can't believe a grandmother would not attend her eldest granchild's birthday party purely on whether she will feel left out or not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's bad enough that D17 still doesn't know whether H will condesend to attend.
Ugh, well IMO this is something to rant about, when the children are hurt or disappointed. They didn't ask for any of this damn mess we all find ourselves in. Bleh. I'm sorry Alison, about the tent and about the party, I surely hope both H and MIL pull their heads out long enough to think of D17.
D17 came home tonight and said H had phoned her today to say he would be coming to her party. That I didn't expect. However he then spoilt things again. He asked her what time I would be attending the party and to let him know and he would attend after me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! D17 told him that I would be there all night, it is her 18th and I am her mother! He said well just let me know anyway. WTF????????? So in exasperation she told him to ring BIL. We already know they are coming but that they won't be staying late as BIL is in a cycle race the next day. That's fair enough at least they know how important it is to D17 for them to just show thier face. So it looks like H will need his little brother to hold his hand to face his big bad wolf of a wife at his Ds 18th birthday party. PPPPPPPPPPllllllllleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaassssseeeeeeee.
We had a late evening meal tonight as I had trouble with my cooker. Just as we sat down to eat H rang S15 on his mobile. He asked if he could ring H back when he had finished eating. When he did H wanted to know when the girls were going on their holidays. D17 is going last week in June and D12 is going second week in July. So H asked S15 if he wants to go camping for a few days in August! To be fair to S15 he did ask me first if he could go. I said yes b/c I didn't want to disappoint him BUT that now means my plan of getting my own holiday whilst they are all away is scuppered. The children could tell something was wrong and I just said well if your Dad isn't taking S15 away at the same time that D12 is away I can't have a holiday. S15 said he would speak to H next time he saw him. I tried to point out to him that by this time H would already have booked his holiday from work and he wasn't likely to change it just for me. S15 lost his temper so I backed off.
All I wanted was the break I deserve. Is that really too much to ask?
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Alison - I'm really pleased you've got yourself to a place where you are going to get teh financails sorted and protect yourself financially. I know that has been a big fear of yours and I am proud of you for the progress you've made.
Now my friend comes the hard part. Girlfriend you gotta detach from that man. It's doing your head in.
Detach. Detach. Detach.
You need to stop giving the decisions he makes any power over you or your life.
I know that's difficult when those decisions directly affect your life - i.e. taking a break with all the kids looked after at the same time - but there are other things he does that you really need to let go.
That stuff about the tents - that's between him and D12. The party - that's about him and D17. Detach Alison, because as long as you are 'attached' or 'affected' by his carry on you give him a whole load of power over your life and you don't need that.
You are so strong now Ally and so smart. I suspect it's not going to be until you detach from him, that he will notice you are alive. He knows that he affects you and he pushes your buttons ... like
Quote:
He asked her what time I would be attending the party and to let him know and he would attend after me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you don't think he knows that won't get back to you? This stuff is designed to hurt you - and until you get to a place where it can't touch you he wins.
You can do this Alison. I know you can.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
). It has made so much difference to come home to less mess. The dishes being loaded on top of the dishwasher instead of in it always makes me angry but this week there has been none of that. I nearly crashed my car with the shock of seeing the washing hanging out when I came home from work on Thursday. Needless to say S15 will get his reward he has been working so hard towards. He hasn't been perfect b/c he still hasn't been coming in on time at night but I feel I have to show him that I appreciate the efforts he has been making.
