Just need to vent a little. Let me preface this with these are just my feelings... neither right nor wrong. Also, my feelings today may not necessarily be the same two days from now.
So since Mo2C has announced that she wants to separate, things have seemed to be more tense around the house and the daily hello / goodbye kisses have stopped. I find myself again struggling with how to best interact with W. What is appropriate behavior and what would be unwelcome. How much talking is too much and when does too little look like I'm trying to avoid her. I know the answer is going to be just ask. Neither of you are a mind reader.
Last night, we were in the BR and W was folding clothes. I took my shirts that were on the side and must have huffed or rolled my eyes, because she asked what was wrong. Told her nothing was wrong, but then I thought about it and decided to let her know what was bothering me. The issue was just a difference in how we handle the chore of laundry, but it has been bugging me for a long time. I never complained about it. Thought it was something that would be better left unspoken because I knew it would cause an argument. That is how I would typically handle things in the past, just take the path of less resistance and not bring it up. My holding things in has bothered her in the past so I decided I would let her know how I was feeling. We had a bit of a discussion and she told me that she understood how I was feeling, but I can't help but think that my timing on this was bad. She's seriously considering moving out and here I am making myself oh so attractive by arguing about laundry.
Now this morning I continue my uncharacteristic desire to talk about things. Why can't I just keep my mouth shut??
I took my car to the shop this morning to fix the stupid automatic window, so W and I drOve into work together. Nothing like an hour commute to get the conversation going. I asked her if she was really committed to the moving out and separating. She said she was and wondered why it seemed like I had changed the way I was feeling about it. I mentioned our the money situation and how we had a lot of debt that we needed to pay off and how I thought this was causing her a lot of stress. Moving out and paying for an apartment certainly won't make that any easier. She told me that she felt that this was her only option to figure things out. That she needed to get away from the comfort and security of the house to see if she really wants me. She then said that if we were meant to be together then things would work out.
This is really where I should have shut my mouth, because that triggered something I had seen written to OG. I should cut this post short too, but remember, these are just my feelings and subject to change at a moments notice.
They had known each other as kids and gone to HS together. Never dated or anything, but when they ended up working at the same building and subsequently getting involved, I think W saw this as fate bringing them together and that it was something that was meant to be.
So now I'm thinking about that scenario and what W had just said about if we were meant to be, it will work out. So I asked her if it was fate that brought OG to her, then why did she end up back with me? How much are you going to rely on fate to decide your future? How much faith does one put in fate? I pointed out that I could think of several examples of what could be considered fate having already worked to get us back together. How weird is it that our Retro weekend and follow-ups took place in the church where we were married and the hotel where we had our reception. I do often think that things happen for a reason, but I also believe that we are all responsible for creating our futures. Each of us has a significant hand in deciding what 'fate' has in store for us.
So here I am feeling like I've just pushed W out the door a little quicker and less likely to want to come back because of my ranting. I need to go back to my old ways and just keep my mouth shut, but she did want me to open up more right? Maybe there's some ideal middle ground, or maybe I need to find some filter for my thoughts now.
I just want Mo2C to know that she is free to do what she needs to do. I may not like it, but I will give her as much support as I can.
