How is my little butterfly today? Is she gathering the strength she needs to fly?
I'm not sure why it's taking so long for you to hear back from PWP. I really don't see how they could turn you down anyway.. you are a parent, without a partner. So it fits!!!
Have you looked into online contests for short stories? I think on top of getting it in print.. getting it on the internet is great too!!
By the way.. I think your last line from your previous post puts everything in the right context "I don't hate my husband for what he did. I just have to love myself for who I am." I am trying to do exactly that too!!
Hey GPZ,or, shall I call you GPC? You've been doing a lot of thinking and growing since we first "met". Is there any update on what your H is doing about the D? Perhaps he is not moving forward as quickly as it first appeared?
Also, I mentioned a website a while ago, I tried replying but the computer ate my post. Do a google search for cainer and try listening to a clip of his voice. Even if you are not necessarily a believer you find his advice to be helpful as well as soothing.
ISH
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
I'm sad to learn about your childhood experiences. So heartbreaking. Knowing what you've been through, I'm in awe at how incredible of a person you became. I have elevated YOU to DEMIGOD status!
I hope you have a happy day. Enjoy your daughter.
I wish I could give you a big ole' in-the-flesh hug. I bet you're the B E S T hugger ever.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Yesterday we went for a walk, the first time we've been alone in ages. You wanted to tell me what has really been going on. I went to listen. You spoke telling me of a friend, of dates you went on, of how you ended up living with her when you left. I listened. Some thoughts went shooting through my mind, keeping me from hearing. I silenced them and listened.
Something I thought would destroy me, didn't. I felt relief. Relief that the puzzle pieces fit together. Relief that I no longer had to struggle to believe you'd never ever do this. I just listened as my perceptions of you changed.
At one point I just looked in your eyes. You were talking about something about the divorce and I looked.. not gooey eyed, not sorrowfully.. just looking into the blue of your eyes, much paler than I remembered. When they were that soft pale, it usually meant you were happy, relaxed. I looked and looked but couldn't see you, couldn't see my (insert favorite endearment). There was no connection.
I looked, seeing more of the face, zooming out and felt like sand in an hour glass was just flowing out. It wasn't painful, it was just a shusshing emptying. I didn't know you, but knew you. The person you are now can't hurt who I am.
That night I decided it was a good time to journal. Oh, how I wrote. I wrote what I didn't say while I listened. How the trust was broken. How I'd never imagined you to be a liar. And how even what you told me was just another lie. There was no truth.
And then... ooops. I remembered when I'd hurt you. Oh god. Is this what it felt like for you? How do you trust someone who's lied to you? How do you get past it?
Well, dear, now I know what NOT to do.
Do not hold onto guilt. Do not survive. Do not hold onto pain. Do not be afraid.
I guess DO's are better..
Do turn to each other, regardless of how uncomfortable it is. This pain is but a smidge compared to the pain of divorce.
Do let go of guilt, shame. These are defensive shields that keep you from facing reality. What a horrible way to protect myself by constantly ripping myself apart.
Do forgive.. myself, each other, the other. It takes two to get married, two to fall apart.
Do try different things.
Well, sweetheart, things look pretty grim. The lawyers are lining up, letters flying. My goal is to have a family that is safe for my... our children. My goal is to be the incredible, adorable wonderful person I am. My goal is not to fear, to embrace the change. My goal is to keep the divorce separate from family involvement.
My goal is to forgive you.. to forgive me. And to apologize from the core of my heart for the sorrow and pain I have caused you. What brought us together was magical, spiritual and so encompassing. We would last a lifetime. Thank you for at least a quarter.
So sorry to hear your latest news.. but at least he finally had the guts to talk to you about it. I imagine it was horrible to hear.. but that it probably felt surreal at the same time.
You have the right focus.. yourself and your kids..
I'm just so sorry that you (or any of us on bb) are going through this!!
If you want to escape to central California, you have an open invitation to visit me as long as your heart desires. Spring has sprung in this part of the world and I have an guest bedroom just waiting to be occupied. I know you don't know much about me, but I feel so close to you... I just think you're one of the most special people ever in the history of the world and it tears me apart that your heart is hurting. I am very sincere with my invite.
Much love to you, Rachel
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Oh man, *hugs*.. As I read your notes while I'm working on cocooning while growing, being resilient, facing my goals.. happy tingly warm lil tears spring to the corners of my eyes. You are a balm of calm to my injured soul, soothing beyond words.
Today is my.. our daughter's confirmation. My oldest brother is visiting and will be here until Tuesday. We stay so busy, and I've had so much stuff with my husband and divorce going on that I haven't been here.
With all the emotions, it's been better to DO rather than to WRITE. So you won't see me much until later next week.
Thank you thank you thank you...
*hugs*
PS.. I've heard of gypsy moths.. are there gypsy butterflies now?
