Neecy, Don't want to rain on your parade, but did you ever consider that maybe he's just found another way to contact her?
When I first busted my WW on her cell calls to OM, she said he's just a friend and the calls/TM's stopped. Did their affair end? Nope, just went further underground.
If he knows you are looking at the cell bill for evidence of him contacting her he's just going to find another way.
Maybe I'm wrong. I'm not there and don't see your interactions with H. I just know from too many other people's experiences (mine included) that just because there are no cell calls/TM's doesn't mean he's still not contacting her.
Hope I didn't offend.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Not at all Hope, and that is not something that I hadn't considered but I am wondering what would be the point in that(not that our spouses require a point). Up until begining of March H said he would make every effort to stop contacting her. Then he would screw up. Now he took a stand said she is my friend and I will call her if I want. Why would he hide it? They do talk at work I know this because 90% of the time I hear the results of the conversation. I would prefer they didn't but this is something I can deal with for now.
Last edited by neecy22; 04/03/0801:34 PM.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Maybe because he can keep up the pretenses that she's just a friend if there are no calls/TM's?
I hate to be so negative, but that's what this crap does to you. And I've been burned too many times with the lies and deceipt that I just don't trust one single word that comes out of her mouth. And I project my sitch to others sitch's.
You know that he's never going to be able to give you what you need in the marriage as long as he's still in contact with her, right?
It's kind of like the OM in my sitch. They were supposedly over, and I saw indications that they were, but then all the sudden the affair indications start again and then I find out they have been trading emails recently and that's all it took for another planned meet. As long as there is contact the potential for a repeat performance is there. Even if there is no contact that potential is there. That's what makes this recovery from affair stuff so scary for us betrayed's.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Now he took a stand said she is my friend and I will call her if I want. Why would he hide it?
Because all cheaters lie, and he wants to make YOU look like the bad guy, Neecy.
I'd be willing to bet that he has found other ways to communicate, probably an "affair phone." That's what TMB's wife did, and it's VERY common.
What is the reason for exposure to OM's parents? "A" to be honest with them, and "B" for them to exert whatever influence that they may have over their son to get him to end his affair. And "C", so that if your marriage doesn't work out, they know the true reason, and know that YOU did everything you could to save it.
When my wife finally ended her affair, it was the exposure to her parents and our adult daughters that made more of a difference to her -- MUCH more -- than MY knowing and confrontation ever did. Never underestimate the power of a woman's parents or her children, and their approval (or DISapproval) of her.
Of course, that's your decision, and reasonable people may disagree. Actual mileage may vary, yadda yadda yadda.
Yes, it IS very common for cheaters to find other hidden ways to communicate with their APs. However, it's not a proven fact in your sitch at this moment, and I understand that others are just trying to help and look out for you. We all want to hope for the best but should at the very least prepare ourselves for the worst, as you did with the phone bill. Good job, btw.
You already know that OW's name is going to come up frequently because she and H work together. They HAVE to have this contact. There's no way around it, but it should be limited to work related matters only, and from what I've read and been told thus far, I'd say, and quite comfortably, that this is the case. At this point, I don't believe there's anything more to their R other than work.
Now, could I be mistaken? Of course I could! There's always that unfortunate possibility, but WHY would I want to focus on such a thought? Something so negative and disheartening.....???
I say no, let it go. Focus on BETTER things. On YOU and what makes YOU feel POSITIVE and GOOD.
All that said, and now that I have a much better understanding of your feelings about your sitch, then tell H's parents IF and WHEN you are ready and feel it is absolutely necessary. Furthermore, if you are honestly ok with the way things are at this particular point in your M, then that is your decision and others should accept and respect this.
Take care of yourself, lady!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Maybe because he can keep up the pretenses that she's just a friend if there are no calls/TM's?
Yes you are right, but, with the exception of a single physical act 4 months ago the only thing there has ever been are text messages and calls. My H is at work or at home 90% of the time. He would go outside to have a smoke and call her, it was/is 99% an EA.
Quote:
You know that he's never going to be able to give you what you need in the marriage as long as he's still in contact with her, right?
They work together, they now work in separate stores but they work for the same chain that interacts with one another, transfer stock pickup each other;s customers ect. They were friends at work, they were both (get this one) honest workers. In the past few weeks 3 of the other 6 staff at the store have been fired based on information the 2 of them found about them stealing from the company. They talk on the phone at work about this kind of stuff.
Quote:
I'd be willing to bet that he has found other ways to communicate, probably an "affair phone." That's what TMB's wife did, and it's VERY common.
This is entirely possible. At this point anything is. But when do I stop looking for other ways?
Quote:
What is the reason for exposure to OM's parents? "A" to be honest with them, and "B" for them to exert whatever influence that they may have over their son to get him to end his affair. And "C", so that if your marriage doesn't work out, they know the true reason, and know that YOU did everything you could to save it.
A - not sure that they would appreciate the honesty, it would hit them like a tonne of bricks and I only want to do that if necessary. They are nice people but my h is a product of his upbringing, they are very closed, very private, not affectionate type people. They have suffered through the death of their 32 year old son while his(very slutty) wife was pregnant with his first child. And they don't need this if we are to stay together.
B - this is something that could be a benefit, or a hinderance, H has always felt like he wasn't good enough for his parents, in fact I think that is how they did their upbringing, in fact while we were dating I picked H up at his house one night when he called me crying because he was arguing with his mother who retorted I never wanted you and you were only born because your father raped me. His now deceased brother became perfect after he died but was also never appreciated, when he died it became he 2 other brother's faults. He was killed in a snowmobile accident by H's(and my) best friend at the time. His oldest brother(10 years older) had to have surgery when he was one for clubed feet becuase his mother embarassed to be pregnant kept tight bands on her stomach and messed up his growth and her mother beat her to try to kill the baby. He is afraid of them knowing but already feels like they will say big suprise - he's a *&&%up just like we always thought he was, looks good on him.
C - trust me, if we do separate they will now the full truth, they may still sometime soon, just not last night, I can do it anyday, but i can't take it back once I do.
Last edited by neecy22; 04/03/0807:14 PM.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Our sitch's are so similar, neecy, except I am very fortunate not to have children and I can't confirm a PA. DEFINITELY an EA. All three of us work together. (Hmmm, I just realized the way our offices are arranged, in a bloody TRIANGLE with me at the tip and their offices parrallel - all within about 15 feet of each other so I get to hear the giggling and flirtations all friggin day.) Anyway, the point of my post was to support whatever decision you feel you need to make right now. I know you don't want to upset the apple cart when things are going fairly well. If my H and I do end up working things out, I will be telling him in no uncertain terms that one thing I will not compromise on is being tied for first place or coming second to any of his/our female friends.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Thanks for stopping by. Our sitches are very similar except for I did not know OW. And you hit your H and regret it, I didn't and sometimes wish I did kidding, a little.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Thanks for stopping by. Our sitches are very similar except for I did not know OW. And you hit your H and regret it, I didn't and sometimes wish I did kidding, a little.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
All three of us work together. (Hmmm, I just realized the way our offices are arranged, in a bloody TRIANGLE with me at the tip and their offices parrallel - all within about 15 feet of each other so I get to hear the giggling and flirtations all friggin day.)
Oh man! I just dont think I could stand that. Girl, you are so strong!!
