Thank you all for being on the other side of the computer screen. I want to journal as a way of working out how I'm feeling. I've just felt so confused and upset the last couple of days. Crying all the way to work, and then I have to pull myself together.... its been months and months since I felt like that. After H left it was such a relief for it to be over, and it comes as a shock to realise I'm not as strong or as healed as I thought I was.
I think the hardest part of seeing H was how closed he was. Really guarded. There is none of the intimacy, but he is the same person. And that made me feel like I need to protect myself too, to get my guard up. I thought we were further along the stages to reconciliation, but we are firmly in phase one of reducing anger and tension, we are not into phase two of being friends. He is sending signals for me to keep my distance. So I guess my gut reaction to that was anger and to try and find someone who wants to be with me. (I have to choose to accept that H doesn't want me to share in his life right now) Ouch!
I really seriously thought about closing the door on reconciliation because it would stop the pain. If I could get a divorce tomorrow and that would stop all of this hurting, uncertainty and wipe everything out then I would. I know it doesn't work like that, but if only I could start again fresh. If I could make that decision that I would never take him back I think it would give me a sense of control, which is very tempting. I also dont want to spend another week feeling crappy just because I've seen him and I let him make me feel that way. (How do I stop him having that power?) I dont feel like I'm strong enough, or the relationship is worth it enough to be able to push down all the hurt so that I could see him and we can reconnect as friends.
BUT. I am so committed to the idea of marriage and I do want to say that I tried everything, that I cant just shut the door yet (I'm a romantic).... I have to at least wait until the divorce goes through. 6 months down, 6 months to go.
So what to do now. This is where I'm really doubting myself. Nothing appears to be working. I dont even know if I want him back that much.
If we are still in Phase 1, then I still just have to give him space and concentrate on me, and wait for him to miss me and make a move towards me. I'm scared that I feel so hurt and let down by him, that I wont see him making a move unless its big enough to involve diamonds!!
T - I see your questions above and I will have a go at answering them (thanks for asking them and helping me think through things)
Is there any chance he is looking for you to make a move, even a baby step move?? Yes possibly. He's probably stuck feeling guilty. Do I want to make a move? Something in my gut screams NO, its got to be up to him. Will he be stubborn and stick with the decision he made even if he regrets it? - possibly. Can I do anything to change that - I dont know?? Is this time for me to let go more, or to reach out? I dont know.
Do you know if he is "working on his issues" at all, or could you share with us what they were? Appears not. He appears to be pretending to be 18 and pretending his life is fantastic. He reeked of smoke on Sunday. He started smoking post bomb, and it used to really bug me. Not the smoking so much (although I think its a dumb habit), but lying about it and sneaking around. Did he purposely smell of smoke to be rebellious? The smoking thing is perhaps linked with his dad (who died when H was 8 years old) - H's most vivid memory of his Dad is his Dad asking him to go and buy him a pack of cigarettes.
H doesnt show any signs of realising that everything might not have been my fault. His reason for leaving was that he thought that I could make him happy. Apparently I was responsible for everything including H's happiness, and I took the blame....
What are his love languages? Is there any way you could use them in a light and friendly way? Hmmm his are touch and time. And maybe affirmation. On Sunday he made a comment about how the house was falling down without him. It made me so mad (your choice to leave buddy! and I actually thought I was doing a pretty good job), but maybe he just wanted to hear that I missed him and that I did appreciate him....
What ways can you make yourself feel fabulous? I'm working on meeting new people. I've shopped and treated myself heaps, but its starting to feel a bit empty.
What are you goals for yourself right now? I need to increase my circle of friends, so that I dont get too lonely on weekends.
What are your baby step goals for your R? I would love for H to ask to see me outside of an excuse. Just to catch up. That seems like a million years away.
Any ideas about reaching out v. making a move (the slightest bit of pressure and he will bolt)?
