She told me that reading the book and examples in it reminded her of all the things I did not do in our M. Reading the book or how it was written was not he problem. Examples in the book just stirred up more old pain for her. She's not mad that I am reading or trying, she's upset that it took her filing for divorce to get me to really see and notice that I needed to do something. She wanted MC 2 years ago and let pride and stubbornness get in my way. I understand why she's angry. Question is, can she truly forgive me and move forward?
M, these are the same things that I hear. Why does it take S before you realize that you needed to change and before you realize what you were doing wrong. This all sounds to familiar. You are still with W, keep that as a plus. You are going to MC, if she didn't think it could be worked out then there is no way she would be going to MC, this is a plus in your corner. Papers have not been served correct, that is another plus, she is waiting to see where all of these changes to the two of you.
My W has not filed either, sometimes I think she is only waiting until the year is up and other times I'm thinking she testing me to see if the changes will really stick or not.
Good luck, keep up with what you are doing, something appears to be working for you IMO.
M, these are the same things that I hear. Why does it take S before you realize that you needed to change and before you realize what you were doing wrong. This all sounds to familiar. You are still with W, keep that as a plus. You are going to MC, if she didn't think it could be worked out then there is no way she would be going to MC, this is a plus in your corner. Papers have not been served correct, that is another plus, she is waiting to see where all of these changes to the two of you.
My W has not filed either, sometimes I think she is only waiting until the year is up and other times I'm thinking she testing me to see if the changes will really stick or not.
Good luck, keep up with what you are doing, something appears to be working for you IMO.
Well, I think you are asking me how I got here? I got here because I let anger with her mothers controlling ways get to me. I shut down when that happened because I saw my MIL do and say things to my W that were hateful, spiteful and disrespectful to my W, me, my M. I let my pride and anger get in the way of our realtionship. I should have been more supportive of my W, gave her a shoulder to cry on when her mother did these things and not gotten angry at her M. I got too comfortable in our M and quit working at it I guess. I took my W for granted. I look back and can see that I was very foolish in the way I thought and acted. I thought it would all work out, everything would be OK. My W saw that as not working at it. I was stupid for thinking that.
It's not all my fault. My W had a big part in this also. We both have communication issues. My problem is I shut down. I came from a very quiet family, my wife came from a family of hugs, kisses and caous. It's hard to mix those two dynamics sometimes.
When I turned 18 and left my parents house I was determined to make it on my own. I felt I did not need my parents to hold my hand and lead me. I felt my parents were there for advice if needed. When I married my W became my primary concern, she became my family. I have never felt this from my W. With my W I always felt that her "blood" (family) was thicker than "water" (me).
I see some of these things as a positive also. The MC, no papers yet, etc. I don't know how this will end up but I can't let myself think that it will end up great and she will fall back in love with me..I can't ever let myself get comfortable again I don't think. I just have to find some way to communicate better. I can't shutdown when I get upset..that has really hurt me and our M.
Update today, My wife has called me at work this morning telling me once again that she is done, can't do this anymore. Can't do any more MC. Says she is smothered, does not want me around. Says the things I am doing around the house now, like, laundry, cooking meals for her, doing dishes and the like only aggrevate her. She had complained that I was not doing any of this before and that pissed her off, I start doing it and it pisses her off. I am at work now so it's hard to read and post on this site. Any responses would be greatly appreciated. You can go back and read my sitch, it's pretty complicated and we have been through a lot.
WAS mindset: I am done, he or she can do nothing to change my mind, I am justified in leaving, he or she will never change. I will be happier by myself or with someone else.
Now what you have done is cause doubt, you have caused her to question her decision that she has worked so hard on for years and come to a conclusion on. If she wants out I would say if you want to move you are free to do so. I respect your wishs, but since you don't want to end the relationship I don't see a reason for you to leave. Keep up the other stuff if she leaves keep the house immaculate and do what your doing you are definitely getting a reaction out of her.
Now it is up to her to sort it out. I believe your improvements have caused her to question her decision, so now she does not want to think she made the wrong one so she will run away so she doesn't she what she will be missing. I hope this helps. good luck
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Update today, My wife has called me at work this morning telling me once again that she is done, can't do this anymore. Can't do any more MC. Says she is smothered, does not want me around. Says the things I am doing around the house now, like, laundry, cooking meals for her, doing dishes and the like only aggrevate her. She had complained that I was not doing any of this before and that pissed her off, I start doing it and it pisses her off. I am at work now so it's hard to read and post on this site. Any responses would be greatly appreciated. You can go back and read my sitch, it's pretty complicated and we have been through a lot.
Well, I posted this this morning from work but little did I know that my W had left me a message on my cell, which was in the car, that basically let me know that she was having th D papers served on me today. She said nothing of this in our conversation over the phone. I am sitting here anticipating the D papers arrival any moment. I have tried to be at peace but am struggling emotionally. It's very hard to hold it together and being a 44 year old man, I know it's not very attractive when I cry. I guess the question is Now What?? When the papers get to me I have 30 days to answer. She mentioned she wants to keep attending MC in order for us to work out our differences for our daughters sake??? I went to MC to save the marriage and to be honest, I don't know if I want to be best friends with her if our marriage is over..I mean, I want to be nice around her with our D, but that's all. I sure don't want to have to deal with her mother if I'm not married to my W. Any Suggestions, comments at all. I'm sort of lost.
Update today, My wife has called me at work this morning telling me once again that she is done, can't do this anymore. Can't do any more MC. Says she is smothered, does not want me around. Says the things I am doing around the house now, like, laundry, cooking meals for her, doing dishes and the like only aggrevate her. She had complained that I was not doing any of this before and that pissed her off, I start doing it and it pisses her off. I am at work now so it's hard to read and post on this site. Any responses would be greatly appreciated. You can go back and read my sitch, it's pretty complicated and we have been through a lot.
Well, I posted this this morning from work but little did I know that my W had left me a message on my cell, which was in the car, that basically let me know that she was having th D papers served on me today. She said nothing of this in our conversation over the phone. I am sitting here anticipating the D papers arrival any moment. I have tried to be at peace but am struggling emotionally. It's very hard to hold it together and being a 44 year old man, I know it's not very attractive when I cry. I guess the question is Now What?? When the papers get to me I have 30 days to answer. She mentioned she wants to keep attending MC in order for us to work out our differences for our daughters sake??? I went to MC to save the marriage and to be honest, I don't know if I want to be best friends with her if our marriage is over..I mean, I want to be nice around her with our D, but that's all. I sure don't want to have to deal with her mother if I'm not married to my W. Any Suggestions, comments at all. I'm sort of lost.
Another question I have is my W has Relay for Life event this Friday. I was going to go to support her because she said that's one thing I never did was to support her during her work events. My D2 will be there so it would be a good opportunity to play with her..Question is Do I go to the Relay for Life event?? The D papers are probably going to be served just any time now. Do I act "as if" or what do I do?? Today has screwed me up bad. I am a wreck.
[quote=M from Tennessee]Update today, M, sorry to hear about the latest drama in your sitch. Did your wife go through with serving you today? Take my advice, do not leave the house, if she wants out, let her leave. I left 4 months ago and have regretted it ever since, once you leave, you have no control of anything with the house. Yes, I'm still paying for the house though I'm not living in it. If I knew then what I know now things would be much different on my end.
As far as MC to be friends, I'm there with you on that also, my W and I have not done any MC but she also believes that we can be great friends after all is said and done. I'm not sure of the rationale behind this, I know if OM comes into the picture which would happen sooner or later, I wouldn't want to be around her at all. Is this selfish, maybe so, but it is the way I feel at this moment, maybe later my feelings will change on this matter but I do understand what you are saying and I'm exactly the way you are on this matter.
I'm sorry your sitch isn't any better, just last week I thought you had a lot of positives going for you. I think this inconsistent thinking with your W tells me that she isn't sure of what she really wants herself. Keep doing your changes. She is in denial right now that they will stick, I know because that is what I hear too. BTW, what is the process in Tenn. on divorce, is it a certain amount of time that you must be seperated before a D can be granted, in NC it is 1 year.
Good luck and keep your head held high, easier said than done but you are not done with this yet, there are too many things going back and forth for you to give up now.
Well, I posted this this morning from work but little did I know that my W had left me a message on my cell, which was in the car, that basically let me know that she was having th D papers served on me today. She said nothing of this in our conversation over the phone. I am sitting here anticipating the D papers arrival any moment. I have tried to be at peace but am struggling emotionally. It's very hard to hold it together and being a 44 year old man, I know it's not very attractive when I cry. I guess the question is Now What?? When the papers get to me I have 30 days to answer. She mentioned she wants to keep attending MC in order for us to work out our differences for our daughters sake??? I went to MC to save the marriage and to be honest, I don't know if I want to be best friends with her if our marriage is over..I mean, I want to be nice around her with our D, but that's all. I sure don't want to have to deal with her mother if I'm not married to my W. Any Suggestions, comments at all. I'm sort of lost.
I have not received papers yet but it's still early in the evening. I am not leaving the house unless it becomes absolutely unbearable. In Tn. the papers are filed, then served, when served you have 30 days to file a response. My first divorce took 6 months. I have known some to be over in 30 days. I have a buddy that has been waiting 2 years, but his STBX in in Cabo , Mexico..
Well, no papers and it's 10:00pm. They are not coming tonight. Not a very good night in this house. No real arguments but a lot of things thrown my way because the papers were not served on me. She's pissed. Constantly threw things up to me, saying why do you care about custody?? You did not want our daughter anyway...Very hurtful things that cut me to the bone..she wants to work our divorce out be amicable, but cuts me and throws things up in my face?? I do not understand.
